


Carry on

by hannakin



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Post-Break Up, Talk about mental illness, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-02-03 07:53:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 52,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12744168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannakin/pseuds/hannakin
Summary: In the end it was his stupid insecurities and ugly jealousy that became their downfall.“I’m so so sorry,” He stuttered between his sobs. “P-p-please give me another ch-chance”For a moment Even just looked at him. Beautiful, amazing Even who was the best thing that had ever happened to Isak. There were tears in his eyes too. When he shook his head sadly, one tear made its way down his cheek.“I think I want to break up” He finally whispered.





	1. Don't speak

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Here I am with my second fic which is almost as scary as when I posted my first. But since people were so nice last time I decided that I wanted to give it another shot because I really, really enjoy writing. I have written a few chapters already that need some editing and I am aiming for around 10-12 chapters but I easily get too excited so we will see ;) I keep adding scenes so I might have to add chapters or put them together. I'll try to update 1-2 week but school and work keep be busy so I can't make any promises. Anyway I hope you will enjoy it and are willing to give it a try.
> 
> English is not my native language but I do my very best!

Even had forgiven him for punching Mikael outside of Syng. Maybe it was due to the fact that Elias had punched him even harder that caused Isak’s nose to bleed and his head to spin. But Even had held his hand in the waiting room, and rubbed circles with his thumb across the back of Isak’s hand while a doctor prodded at Isak’s throbbing face with gloved hands and a deep frown on his face. He gives them a stern warning to “come back immediately if Isak started feeling nauseous again or too dizzy or if Even had trouble waking him up” Even let Isak rest his face against his shoulder and pressed gentle kisses to Isak’s hair on their way home to the apartment.

“I’m sorry,” Isak said quietly when they were finally home.

Isak was tucked in bed and Even was scrambling around in their tiny living room trying to sort out a pile of clothes. He hadn’t said anything since they said goodbye to the boys half an hour ago and after situating Isak in the bed he had busied himself with tidying up the small space. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Even whispered and sat down on the bed next to Isak’s curled up body. “I’m sorry you got hurt. I hate seeing you in pain.” Even planted a kiss on Isak’s forehead. “I’m just going to brush my teeth, and then I will join you.” 

“Okay,” Isak said, eyes already threatening to fall shut. His face was not that bad anymore, probably thanks to the painkillers that he got from the hospital. Nothing had been broken, thankfully, but the doctors couldn’t rule out a minor concussion since Isak had been both dizzy and a bit nauseous but as long as he stayed still he was okay. As long as Even wasn’t mad at him he was okay. 

Isak had almost fallen asleep when Even joined him five minutes later but he sank into Even’s arm as the older boy wrapped his arm around Isak and buried his nose in Isak’s neck. 

“I love you so much,” he mumbled into Isak’s neck

“I love you too,” Isak said, closing his eyes. “I’ll try be better”

Even forgave him when he got stupid and possessive again at Eva’s birthday party. It was not like Isak was throwing punches again and he did apologize to Mikael who was completely chill but he was still way too clingy and, well, possessive. Regardless Even forgave him for being in a sour mood and wanting to leave early. Later that night Even told him about what happened at Bakka and Isak felt like the shittiest boyfriend ever and he held Even the whole night and promised once again that he would do better.  


He tried, he really did. He tried not to be jealous and let his insecurities win every time they were out and Even spent time talking to someone else. After all, Even was friendly and everybody wanted to talk to him and he loved getting to know other people and it shouldn’t be a problem. Except it was. Because Isak felt so fucking insecure all the time as soon as he saw Even with someone else. Like it was just a matter of time until Even found someone who was better looking, smarter, nicer, and funnier than him. Someone who knew about stuff that actually mattered. Someone who was not naïve and childish like him. It didn’t matter that Even told him he was beautiful and that he loved only him, that Isak was the smartest person in the world and that nothing could make him want someone else. 

Even started a new job in the summer and naturally befriended a lot of new people. They were all cool, and grown up and not still in high school and so naturally Even wanted to hang out with them. Isak didn’t say anything when Even excitedly announced that he and his co-workers were going out for a few drinks after work on Friday. It would be unfair and unreasonable if Isak objected because he hung out with the boys all the time. And Isak could handle it, really, and it didn’t even bother him that Even had his new friends. It actually felt kind of good to know that they were not that couple that were attached to the hip at all the time and that they had lives of their own. Well that was until Isak came to pick Even up after work and he spot his boyfriend with one of the girls behind the bar. She was beautiful and everything Isak was not. They laughed together at something on the girl’s phone and Even looked like he had the time of his life and Isak hated himself for getting a lump in his throat. 

“Hi, baby,” He said unnaturally cheerfully as he approached them. 

“Hey,” Even said and beamed at Isak while turning to the girl “You two haven’t met right? This is my boyfriend Isak” 

Even forgave Isak when Isak, five weeks later, once again got jealous at how close Even and the girl, Isabell, had become during the course of months they had worked together. They were at a party together but all Isak could see is the way Even and Isabell couldn’t stop talking to each other, or joke and apparently they had a hundred of inside jokes that only they understood and found funny. Isak couldn’t even pretend to be nice to her when she tried to get him to engage in their conversation after he had had to sit there and watch them laugh and laugh and laugh for what felt like hours while he drowned beer after beer. 

“What’s up with you?” Even asked once they were on the tram home. He was clearly annoyed with Isak’s behaviour. 

Isak just shrugged not feeling like explaining but of course Even was not having any of that. 

“You were grumpy and quiet all night and you didn’t even try to get to know my friends,” Even said with not so well contained accusation in his voice.

“It’s nothing” Isak mumbled, looking out of the window instead of meeting his boyfriend’s eyes.

“And now you are lying” Even sighed and let go of Isak’s hand. 

Isak tried and tried and tired but no matter how hard he fought the jealousy always won. It sat deep and ugly deep inside him and surfaced despite him trying to keep it at bay. It surfaced at the times when Even and Isabell were closing the bar together or the times when Even talked about her over dinner or kept texting her when they were watching TV together, laughing out loud at something funny she had just texted. It surfaced whenever Even hung out with her and his other co-workers and despite Isak’s urge to trust Even he couldn’t help but send those annoying texts asking when he was coming home or argue whenever Even said he was going out. It was eating at their relationship and he could tell Even grew more and more angry and frustrated with him. 

“Do you have to go out on Friday?” Isak argued when Even told him yet again that he was spending time with his co-workers.  
Even sighed and rubbed at his face tiredly.

“It’s Mari’s birthday so we are going out to celebrate. I can’t really skip it and honestly I want to spend time with my co-workers.” 

“Yeah I bet you want,” Isak snapped. “All you ever do is spend time with your co-workers.” 

Even rolled his eyes. 

“What the hell is up with you?” he said in an annoyed tone. 

“You spend all most every weekend with them and you talk about them constantly. It’s always Isabell this or Isabell that and you keep texting her even when we are supposed to have a movie night together.” 

Things were quickly escalating into an ugly argument all because Isak couldn’t keep his mouth shut and by the looks of things Even was really pissed off with him. He was angrily shoving the dishes from the dish rack in to the cupboard. 

“She is my friend. They are all my friends and I want to spend time with them. I don’t understand why you dislike her so much anyway. She is really nice but even she can tell that you hate her when she hasn’t done anything.” He spit not even looking at Isak anymore. 

The glasses clinked as Even put them on the shelves and Isak felt himself flinch with every angry movement. 

“You spend time with your friend all the time and I never complain but as soon as I find friends it’s a problem for you.” Even continued. “It’s not like I have a lot of friends so of course I want to hang out with them.”

“Yeah, cause I have so many friends, Even,” Isak said sarcastically. 

“Yeah, maybe you should try to be less controlling or actually give people a chance.” Even spat and it stung. 

“Yeah or maybe you should stop being so damn over friendly the whole time,” Isak retorted. 

Even pushed past Isak and out to their small hall where he put his shoes and jacket on.

“Where are you going?” Isak asked frantically. 

“I’m going for a walk or do I need your permission for that too?” Even said loudly. “You are acting like an asshole and I need some space, can you at least give me that?” 

The door closed behind him and Isak found himself covering his face with his hands as tears spurred to his eyes. 

Even was gone for at least 45 minutes and during that time Isak finished up cleaning their apartment and even changed the sheets. Silent tears kept streaming down his cheeks the whole time and I kept whipping them away. When he heard Even open the door and enter the hall he found himself standing frozen in the living room watching as Even undressed. He could tell that Even had been crying too. 

Even took a step towards him and then another one and Isak found himself unable to stand there anymore so he closed the gap between them and buried his face into Even’s neck as Even hugged him tightly.

“I’m so sorry,” He whispered. “I’m sorry I’m a jealous idiot.” 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Even whispered back. 

 

And then came the time when Even was fed up with forgiving and Isak’s apologies were not enough anymore. 

They were out clubbing again and Isak had lost Even in the crowd of the dance floor. He had left to go to the bathroom and Even had promised he would wait for Isak at the same spot. Promises like that never happened at a night club though so of course Even was nowhere near the place where Isak left him. He soon found Magnus and Jonas though and downed a shot with them at the bar before continuing his search for his boyfriend. 

Maybe he could blame his drunken state. Alcohol always made him more jealous and insecure and also much more impulsive. When he finally spotted Even he was in the middle of the dance floor and he was dancing close to another girl. The girl is all over Even and Even did nothing to take her greedy hands off of him. Isak felt ice cold as he started to make his way over to where his boyfriend currently dancing. His rage was building more and more the closer he got and when he reached them he pulled Even way from the girl, making them both stumble. 

“Stay away from my boyfriend,” He shouted over the music to the confused girl. 

She shouted something back but Isak couldn’t hear her. Her friend gave him a judgmental look as he dragged Even away not letting go of his boyfriends arm until they were almost outside. 

“I want to go home,” He snapped. 

“Fuck you, Isak,” was Even’s response. 

It ended up with a screaming match in their apartment, until Isak was spent and apparently Even was too, only he was tired of Isak altogether.

“I’m sorry okay,” Isak kept rambling, fight all gone and left was only shame for once again screwing up. “I’m sorry but…”

“I can’t do this anymore, Isak,” Even interrupted and it surely shut Isak up.

“What?” Isak’s voice quivered and he finally looked at Even again. 

“This, I can’t do this anymore” Even repeated and he sounded and looked so miserable and exhausted by this whole situation and Isak could feel the lump in his throat grow and the tears behind his eyes burn mercilessly.

“I feel like I can’t do anything without you being jealous” Even continued and even if it was probably true it felt like a slap to Isak’s face. 

Isak had to look away again, shame burning through his body.

“I’m so sorry, Even,” He whispered to the floor. “I promise you it won’t happen again,” he tried but Even interrupted him yet again.

“But you keep saying that, Isak. And it never changes and I feel trapped. I feel like you don’t trust me and it makes me feel really bad when I haven’t done anything wrong. Do you understand?” 

Even if they were standing right next to each other it felt like there was suddenly this huge distance between them and Isak felt as if he was about to collapse. There were tears in his eyes now and they were threatening to fall any second and he wished so badly he could take everything back. Every one of his stupid mistakes. The floor was blurry from unshed tears and his lip quivered and when Even’s hand suddenly touched his face ever so gently and forced Isak to look at him again by tilting his chin up, he couldn’t hold it together any longer. 

“I’m so so sorry,” He stuttered between his sobs. “P-p-please give me another ch-chance” 

For a moment Even just looked at him. Beautiful, amazing Even who was the best thing that had ever happened to Isak. There were tears in his eyes too. When he shook his head sadly, one tear made its way down his cheek. 

“I think I want to break up” He finally whispered. 

Everything was a little blurry from there but Isak knew he was ugly crying and Even was so gentle when he wrapped Isak into one final hug. Isak’s sobs were uncontrollable and snotty and probably stained Evens t-shirt as he clung desperately to Even’s safe arms and buried his head into Even’s neck like he had done so many times before. He could feel Even press kisses to his hair and he almost wished Even wouldn’t be so nice to him. Not when this was the last time he would ever be wrapped in those arms. He almost wished Even would just have shouted at Isak before storming out of the flat and slamming the door shut after him. But that was not how Even was. Instead he held Isak for the longest of times until Isaks sobs were quiet and Evens t-shirt was completely ruined by tears and snot. When he finally let go Isak had no energy left and he ended up sinking to the bed where he sat watching as Even moved around in their tiny flat, trying to collect a few items of clothes. 

“Where are you going?” Isak asked. 

“I’m going to stay with my parents for a few days,” Even answered, sounding calm and collected. 

Isak nodded and felt new tears in his eyes and he looked down at his hands. 

“Hey…” Even said and kneeled in front of Isak. “You are so amazing and I love you so much. But I think we need some time apart and you need to work on you and I need to work on me.” 

Even took Isak’s hand in his and pressed it softly. 

“This is for the best” He concluded. 

Not for me, Isak thought but he couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t even look up again and so when Even kissed his salty cheek before standing up and leaving for the door, Isak didn’t do anything. Even closed the door behind him and took half of Isak’s heart with him. The other half laid scattered on the floor, shattered in a thousand of tiny, sharp pieces. Isak’s chest was broken and caved in and he had to sit down on the floor because he couldn’t breathe. He stayed on the cold floor, curled in on himself and with tears streaming down his face for a long time until he was finally able to move. He tried to look for his phone which laid disregarded on their small table. He wanted Jonas but he realised that Jonas was probably still out and even if he wasn’t he was probably way too drunk to even pick up his phone or being able to provide any sort of comfort. Isak went for the second best option.


	2. People help the people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak tries to cope the next few days and Eskild and Jonas are by his side the whole time. Isak texts Even who never replies, until he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't wait with the next chapter any longer. Hehe. A huge thank you to those of you who left kudos and comments and bookmarked on the last chapter :) 
> 
> This chapter takes place the hours after Even has left and continues the following days. It's going to be though on Isak and it will take a while until it gets better but right now he is very heartbroken and very self-loathing and in a dark mindset. 
> 
> I hope you will like it :) I had a lot of fun writing it though I kept adding things to it up until ten minutes ago.

Eskild showed up within twenty minutes, looking newly wake and ready to fight a battle for Isak. Isak let him in and sat on the bed, drawing his knees to his chest and wrapped his arm around them protectively. He could feel Eskild sit down next to him.

“What happened, baby-Jesus?” Eskild asked gently and looked at Isak worriedly.

Isak must have look like utter shit, teary eyed and all.

 “I fucked up again,” Isak said. “And now Even doesn’t want me anymore. He broke up with me”

Saying it out loud made his chest cave in again and he made a pitiful intake of breath. Eskild wrapped his arm around him and Isak started to cry violently again. He was not sure how much Eskild actually got, between the snotty sobs and uneven breathing, when Isak told him what happened but he stayed quiet through it all and his arms were wrapped protectively around Isak even after Isak had told him how everything was his fault.

When Eskild finally opened his mouth to speak Isak was prepared for lecturing and scolding.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Eskild said gently and tugged at Isak’s arm to get the younger boy to unwrap his arm from his knees.  

Eskild helped him get undressed and ready for bed in silence, preparing a cup of tea while Isak went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. Eskild guided him to the bed by putting a safe arm around Isak’s shoulders and gently tucked the covers around him. Then the older boy sat on the side of the bed and soothingly ran his hand through Isak’s hair. Isak didn’t have the energy to stop him. Instead he let the older boy comfort him while his tears started flooding his eyes again.

“It’s okay,” Eskild mumbled softly. “It’s going to be okay” Eskild repeated the words over and over and over again.

Isak wanted to believe him but he knew things could never be okay again. Not unless this was some horrible nightmare he would wake from the next morning.

It was not.

Isak awoke in the morning to a pounding head. Even was still gone, the bed beside him horribly empty and no text from Even telling him that he had made a mistake and that he would be home soon. Isak closed his eyes against his headache for a little while as he listened to Eskild’s chipper hums coming from the kitchen. After a while he forced himself out of bed despite his aching head and headed for the bathroom, where he locked himself in. In the stale bathroom light he looked even shittier than he felt. His eyes were red from crying and his cheeks stained from dried tears and the reflection of himself starring back at him looked truly pathetic. No wonder Even had ended up leaving, Isak thought sadly.  He forced the thoughts out of his head and stepped out of his clothes and into the shower.

The shower was nice and afterwards he felt both cleaner and calmer.  He dressed himself in the only clean clothes in there which happened to be his old sweatpants and the Jesus shirt Even had worn the first time he stayed at Isak’s place. From that day on it had pretty much been Even’s t-shirt. Now Isak had no idea who it belonged to. Perhaps it was time to give it back to Eskild. He pressed his nose into the worn out fabric, closing his eyes against the memories Even’s scent brought up. Isak bit at his lip harshly to keep himself from crying and walked out of the bathroom and into the tiny kitchen where Eskild was standing. The other boy turned around when he heard Isak entering the room.

 “I made breakfast.”

Eskild smiled hesitantly and nodded at the tray he had prepared. Isak watched him pick it up and followed the older boy silently in to the other room. Eskild set the tray down on the table with a small clank and gestured for Isak to join him. Isak put on a hoodie over his t-shirt before sitting down on one of the chairs and watched in silence as Eskild prepared a toast with cheese for himself.

“I’m sorry I texted you last nice.” Isak fiddled with the string of his hoodie nervously. “You don’t have to stay here with me. I’m fine,” he lied.

He was not fine.

Eskild rolled his eyes dramatically.

“I’m your guru…” Eskild said pointedly and started to make another sandwich which he handed over to Isak. “…and that includes running across in the middle of the night even though I’m way too old for that shit” He added jokingly but Isak couldn’t bring himself to smile and Eskild’s own smile left his face almost immediately.

“It’s going to be okay, Isak,” He said seriously. “I promise you it will be okay”

Isak shook his head because how could it ever be okay again when Even had dumped him and there was an Even shaped hole in Isak’s chest? He had no idea how he was supposed to live without Even or who he even was without his boyfriend by his side. Before Even he was no one special but as soon as Even had stepped into his life he had felt like he was special and that he belonged somewhere in this universe. Now he wasn’t so sure anymore.

The thoughts made Isak feel nauseous and he couldn’t bring himself to take even a bit from his sandwich. He looked down at the table and played absently with his napkin, tearing the layers of it apart and dumping them on his plate. He could feel Eskild’s worried gaze watching him the whole time but neither of them said anything for a couple of minutes.

Isak was the one who ended up breaking their silence.

“I should text Even,” He said, leaving his untouched sandwich on the table and made his way across the room to where is phone was still charging beside his pillow.

“I think you should wait a bit,” Eskild suggested carefully but Isak ignored him and unlocked his phone despite Eskild’s protests.

There were seven unread messages but non for the person he wanted. He ignored the ones from Jonas and the group chat and opened his conversation with Even. He looked at the last sent text from Even to him. “Sure <3” On the question if he could pick up some toilet paper on his way home.  Isak bit his lip harshly because he really didn’t want to cry right now. He then realised he has no idea what to write. Did he want to see Even? Did Even want to see Isak? They needed to talk, right? There were things that needed to be sorted out. What was going to happen to the flat? They couldn’t both live here if they were broken up and Isak couldn’t afford it by himself and even if he could he wouldn’t be able to live here by himself.  Maybe Even could stay here. He had his job and his parents would be willing to support him. But then where was Isak going to go? He didn’t have anywhere else. This was his home.

Isak could feel his heart start to beat faster and his anxiety creep in on him and it was all it took for the tears to start falling again. He clutched at the phone in his hands until his fingers felt numb and tried to breathe slowly. Eskild seemed to sense his distress because he was suddenly at Isak side.  

“Sch…It’s okay,” He said, guiding Isak to sit on the bed and rubbed soothing circles on Isak’s back while Isak tried to get his breathing under control again.

“I don’t know what to do,” Isak sobbed. “He’s my everything. It feels like I can’t even breathe without him.”

“It’s okay” Eskild said once again as if he could convince Isak it was true if he said it enough times. “It’s okay.”

Eskild stayed for a few hours longer before he had to leave for work. He tried to get Isak to eat again but Isak just couldn’t, despite Eskild offering him to go buy whatever he wanted.

He still felt breathless and his stomach was in knots and the mere thought of eating anything made him feel sick.

Instead they just stayed inside. Isak sat propped up in bed mindlessly watching TV, and Eskild sat by the table reading an old copy of Isak’s Science Illustrated. Every time Isak’s phone buzzed Isak’s chest filled with the tiniest amount of hope that it would be Even telling him he was coming back but every time he got crushed when it was from the group chat. He had ignored it the whole day and he knew he needed to reply soon or they would grow suspicious of his behaviour so as soon as Eskild had left he picked up his phone again and read through the conversation. Not much had happened apparently. Mahdi hooked up with someone last night and Jonas was apparently hungover as hell. Then there were questions about him and Even because apparently people had seen them, had seen Isak lose his shit.

**Why you leave so early?**

**Did you fuck each other in the bathroom?**

**Vilde saw you arguing?**

**Are you okay?**

**Hahaha they are probably fucking right now.**

**They always do that.**

**Fight and then fuck.**

**Or only fuck.**

**Haha**

Isak had no idea what to tell them so he left the messages at read and opened his and Jonas’ private conversation instead. He had no idea what to say but he really wanted his best friend and he knew Jonas would be there for him.

**Even broke up with me**

He clicked send then threw the phone on the bed, not bothering to wait for a reply. Then he picked up the phone again and added:

**Can you come over?**

He put the phone down again and lied down on the bed, curling up with his knees drawn to his chest. He closed his eyes against the tears that where yet again threatening to fall and rubbed his hands at the headache that was starting to form. This time it had nothing to do with a hangover. His phone vibrated against the mattress but he didn’t have the energy to check it. It was probably from Jonas anyway and either he was already on his way or he was going to be there eventually. Jonas was like that, had been there through all of Isak’s crisis. When he broke his arm when he was 9 and when his mother lost it when he was 12. When Isak had called him in panic after his dad had left and his mother had turned the kitchen in to complete mayhem Jonas had turned up without hesitation and had stayed with Isak for the next few days. Isak wondered if he was ever going to repay his friend.

It didn’t take long until Jonas was ringing the doorbell. Isak swallowed harshly and rubbed at his eyes. He probably looked horrible but he knew Jonas would never judge him. He stood up a little too fast and could feel black spots in front of his eyes, a tell-tale sign that he hadn’t eaten enough during the day.   He steadied himself against the wall until it felt safe to move and slowly made his way to the door.

“Hi!” Jonas mumbled as Isak opened the door and let his best friend inside.

“Hey,” Isak croaked, stepping aside to give Jonas room to take off his shoes and jacket.

When he was done Jonas looked at him quietly, taking in his red eyes, raw skin, and messy hair.

“How are you?” he asked softly.

Isak looked to the side, not daring to meet Jonas eyes until Jonas was standing right in front of him.

“Not so good,” Isak whispered, feeling the tears well up in his eyes again.

Now that Jonas was here it felt like Isak couldn’t hold back a single tear or sob and it was just all pouring out of him in one ugly mess.

Without hesitation Jonas had him in his arms and Isak pressed his face into Jonas shoulders and held on to his shirt for dear life.  

“Just breathe,” Jonas whispered when Isak’s breaths were threatening to get out of control.

Otherwise he remained silent, allowing Isak to let it all out. It left Isak feeling absolutely exhausted and didn’t do anything good for his headache but having Jonas here made it more bearable. If anyone could get him through this it was Jonas.

“Have you eaten?” Jonas asked when Isak had calmed down and they both sat on the floor in the room, backs against the bed and Isak’s knees drawn to his chest.

Isak shook his head.

“I don’t think I can eat anything,” He said. “I feel like I might throw up.”

Jonas nodded and didn’t push him further.

“What do you want to do?” He asked instead. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Isak bit his lip.

“I don’t think I can right now. Can we just hang here for a bit?”

“Of course,” Jonas said gently. “Anything you want to do.” 

Isak nodded.

“Thank you,” He mumbled.

The rest of the day trickled by slowly. Jonas stayed with him the whole time. They ordered take out even if Isak could barely eat and ended up gagging on his sushi, played Fifa, and watched a ton of crappy movies. Jonas was amazing like that. He didn’t complain or sigh even once when Isak started crying in the middle of one of their Fifa matches. Instead he hugged Isak tightly, letting the tears and sobs die out by themselves even if it took an hour sometimes. He rubbed Isak’s back at night so that Isak could fall asleep and he didn’t nudge when Isak didn’t want to tell the boys. He didn’t even judge Isak when Isak told him what happened when they laid next to each other on the bed, Isak staring at the celling and Jonas lying curled on his side looking at Isak tentatively waiting for his best friend to explain what had gone so wrong. 

“How can I blame him for leaving?” Isak whispered. “I don’t deserve him at all”

“Don’t say stuff like that,” Jonas said sadly and rubbed at Isak’s back some more. “You know that’s not true.“

But it was true, Isak thought, blinking away tears for what felt like the millionths time these past hours. It had always been true and the inevitable had finally happened. Only Isak wasn’t prepared, didn’t know how to do his life alone.

Isak couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night and as he listened to Jonas even breaths he picked up his phone and texted Even. Despite Eskild’s advice to give Even space, Isak couldn’t. He had to at least try to get Even back.

**I’m so sorry.**

**Please forgive me.**

**I love you so much.**

**I know I screwed up but you are the only thing that matters in my life and I don’t know what I would do without you.**

**You mean the world to me.**

**Please forgive me Even.**

**I will do anything.**

**I love you.**

**Please take me back.**

**I know you hate me right know but please forgive me. I love you.**

**Can you come home?**

**Can we at least talk?**

**Even?**

**Please just text me back.**

**Are you okay?**

**I’m so sorry.**

He sent a total of 23 text and Even didn’t bother to answer even one of them. Isak tried to not think about it, hid his phone under his pillow, put it on silent so that he couldn’t hear it go off but every time he did check it to see, if just maybe Even had answered, he was met with the same gut wrenching disappointment every time. Even did want him. His heart broke a little bit more by Sunday night when Even still hadn’t replied.

They had spent the day just like the days before. Watching TV and playing Fifa and doing anything they could to take Isak’s mind off from his heartbreak. It never worked for more than a few minutes at a time because Isak could never forget about the ache in his chest or the feeling of missing limbs or the rushing thoughts in his head.

“Just give him some time,” Jonas said calmly.  “He will text you back when he is ready. Do you want me to go pick up some food?”

Isak shook his head. He hadn’t eaten much of the take out Jonas had brought earlier him and it made him feel bad but the thought of eating still made him feel sick. He had managed to eat a small piece of toast for breakfast but when it was time for lunch he just couldn’t stand it and ended up picking at his kebab silently all while Jonas watched him with anxious eyes.

“I think you need to eat at least something,” Jonas said worriedly. “I don’t want you to pass out. It doesn’t have to be much but you need to eat something. You need to take care of yourself”

Isak shrugged in differently. He just wanted to lie down again but he knew Jonas wouldn’t allow it.

“I’ll make you some toast. Do you think you can eat that? Or something else? I don’t want to leave you alone but I can go pick up some Indian from that restaurant we used to go to when we were younger? Where you always had their butter-chicken. Isak?”

Isak had to smile. Jonas was way too good for him.

“I’m okay, Jonas” He said trying to sound as reassuring as possible. “You don’t have to stay. I know you probably have other things to do”

Jonas just rolled his eyes.

“I’m not leaving, you idiot”

Isak smiled again.

“Thanks,” he said. “I guess I could eat some butter chicken” he added and the smile of relief that lit on Jonas face made it worth it.

By Tuesday morning his phone finally pinged with a text from Even. Jonas was still with him and they were in the middle of a Fifa match but Isak immediately dropped his control to the floor and picked up his phone.  

**Are you at home? Can I come over? We need to talk.**

Isak’s heart sunk in his chest. He knew this was to be expected but part of him wished for Even to text something else. Something that indicated hope. This was the most formal Even had ever been with him. No heart, no love, not even a smiley, and it burned Isak’s heart.

With shaky fingers he replied.

**Yeah I’m at home. You can come any time you want**.

Barely 30 seconds Even replied.

**I will be there in an hour or so.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's that haha. I really hope you liked it and if you did please take your time to leave a comment or some kudos :) 
> 
> As I said before, Isak is in a bad place right now naturally but he will get better eventually with some help from friends and by himself. A huge part of this is him finding his way back to himself and build up his self-esteem again. 
> 
> Anyway thank you for taking the time to read and until next time, take care!


	3. Bang bang - My baby shot me down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi.
> 
> Thank you again for your comments and kudos. It means a lot :) 
> 
> This chapter is pretty short but there was no good point to end it without it getting awkward so it is short. But hopefully I can post the next chapter soon! 
> 
> I hope you will like it.

By the time Even arrived Jonas had left with the promise that Isak just needed to call and he would come back. Isak had taken a long shower and had managed to tidy the flat and made coffee. He now sat waiting for Even to arrive, feeling his heart beat nervously in his chest. He didn’t really know what to expect from this but at least Even was willing to talk.

Even let himself in with his key. For a second they didn’t say anything to each other and Isak could barely look at Even. Even took of his shoes and hung his jeans jacket on one of the hooks on the wall instead of on one of the hangers. It was such an Even thing to do. Isak always tried to make him use the hangers by pointing out that the hooks were for guests but Even never listened and in the end it didn’t really matter. When Even was done, he ended up standing in the doorway hesitantly as if he was not sure he should come in. Isak bit his lip nervously.

“I made coffee” he offered, breaking the deafening silence between them and Even smiled slightly before he entered the living room and sat down on the free chair opposite of Isak.

“So…” He begun but Isak interrupted him before he could continue.

There was so much he needed to say so that Even would change his mind and take him back.  He had practiced while cleaning but when he opened his mouth nothing of that he had planned to say came out.  

“I know I fucked everything up. I know I’m a horrible boyfriend but I will do better and I won’t care who you see or are friends with. Just please, please forgive me. I promise you it won’t happen again.” He was rambling, desperate for Even to forgive him. “I love you more than anything and I will do anything if you just forgive me. I will be better. I will do better. Just please give me one more chance. Please, I promise I will be better.”

At first he didn’t notice Even shake his head. Not until Even spoke.

“Isak…”

And then Isak looked up and met Even’s eyes and he knew. It was enough for him to start to sob violently again and he buried his face in his hands.

“Oh my god” He cried because now it was final. Even would not forgive him.

Even hadn’t changed his mind. Their time apart hadn’t made Even realise he wanted to spend his time with Isak and even though Isak had spent all his time trying to hold himself together, hoping that Even would come back, Even had come to the realisation that he didn’t want Isak. 

“Isak, I’ve made up my mind, okay?” Even tried to sound calm but even through his own sobs, Isak could hear the unsteadiness in Even’s voice. 

“This is not easy for me either but I think this is the right decision. I need to do what is right for me and I can’t live in a relationship we’re I feel like I can’t spend time with people I care about without risking you getting jealous.”

Isak couldn’t look at Even so he stayed hidden behind his hands, still sniffing uncontrollably.

“I can’t live like that I don’t want you to live like that either.” Even explained with a small sigh.

But I could live like that, Isak thought. He could live with being insecure and holding his jealousy hidden deep inside him if he got to have Even in his life.

“Please,” he tried just one more time because it couldn’t get any worse than this anyway. “I’ll do anything.”

“No,” Even’s words sounded harsh and Isak flinched.

“No,” Even said more gentle. “You deserve better than that, Isak. We both deserve better than that. You deserve not to feel insecure and you deserve to be happy.”

Isak could hear Even inhale before he continued.

“You are so amazing, Isak. Don’t ever forget that. You are beautiful and smart and kind and anyone who gets you will be lucky.” Isak thought maybe Even was crying too by now but he still couldn’t bear to meet Even’s eyes.

“I love you and will never ever regret the time we had together, okay? You made me so happy…Isak- Isak can you please look at me?”

So Isak did. He let his hands drop from his face and looked at Even for the first time in minutes. Even was crying too but he was still the most perfect person Isak had ever seen. Still so breathtakingly beautiful.

“Do you hear me? You need to realise how amazing you are,”  

Then why I am a getting dumped? Isak didn’t ask. Instead he cried some more.

“I’m sorry” He sobbed again because that was all he could muster. “I’m so, so sorry”

Even reached out and soothingly took Isak’s hand.

“Hey, don’t apologize. It’s going to be okay. We are going to be okay. You are so strong, sweetheart. Stronger than you think”

They sat in silence for a few minutes until Isak had stopped crying. Even’s hand stayed on top of Isak’s, soft, warm and comforting.

“What you want to do with the flat?” Isak asked croakily. “I really can’t afford to live here by myself.” He added. “I thought maybe you could, you have a job and your parents can probably help you. It’s okay for me if you want to. You can keep the furniture.”

Even looked at him sadly.

“And where are you going to live?”

Isak shrugged. He had no idea. He could probably stay at kollektivet for a while but the apartment wasn’t made for four people and after Isak had moved out the landlord had made that very clear. He could probably stay with Jonas for a while but not for more than a few days. His dad would probably not mind but Isak couldn’t imagine living with either of his parents again. The might have reconnected during the last year but they were far from a functioning family.

“I’ll figure something out” He tried to sound reassuring but failed pathetically.

“I think I will actually live with my parents” Even said. “At least for a little while”

Isak nodded. That made sense. Even’s parents where amazing and would be happy to have their son back.

The both of them sat quiet for a while, until Even cleared his voice.

“I think I should get going but I will text you and we can figure out more stuff but we have already paid rent for the next few months so there is really no hurry.”

Isak stood up when Even did and followed him into the tiny hallway. This is it, Isak thought.

Even reached out to touch Isak’s unruly hair and Isak let him. His body craved the touch even though his chest exploded with pain.  Even smiled gently and leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together.

Isak cried again because this was the last time he would ever get to be this close to Even. He closed his eyes as Even kissed his mouth softly. Isak let his arms wrap around Even’s slender body and buried his nose into Even’s neck, breathing in the familiar sent. Even held him back, arms tightly around Isak’s torso. For a few minutes Isak allowed himself to pretend that everything was okay, for a few moments all he focused was the feeling the warm skin of Even’s skin against the tip of Isak’s nose.

And then Even was gone and Isak’s heart was in tiny pieces again.

Jonas came back to the apartment only a few minutes after Even had left which made Isak believe that he must have been nearby, ready for Isak’s text.

“Get dressed,” Jonas said as soon as Isak opened the door to let him in. “We are getting you out of here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. If you want to feel free to leave a comment :) 
> 
> I promise it feel be better from now on for Isak. It will take some time but it will get better and less angsty. 
> 
> Take care!


	4. Elastic Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak tells Magnus and Mahdi and then the girls. School starts!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, the response on the 3rd chapter was absolutely incredible I feel so spoiled. You are amazing, thank you so much! I love hearing your opinions and thoughts about the chapter or the characters' choices. 
> 
> I said that things will get easier and I think it will from this chapter and onwards. Isak is going to focus on himself and find support in his friends. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

There honestly wasn’t much Jonas could do to cheer Isak up after his and Even’s talk. But he had gotten Isak on a long walk and then to buy some pizza. Even though it did little for Isak’s broken heart but he appreciated it nonetheless and getting out of the apartment to get some help seemed to at least soothe is aching head. Jonas didn’t ask much but instead talked about other things, not minding that Isak barely answered. Isak didn’t mind though, hearing Jonas talk about a stupid colleague of his was good distraction.

A few hours later they went back to the apartment after they had been over at Jonas house to collect some more stuff. It felt horrible to walk into the apartment again. The table was still set, the coffee in the cups cold and the chairs still pulled out. And Even’s jeans jacket was missing from the hook.

“Hey common, lets watch the movies I brought,” Jonas said, not for a second letting Isak have time to feel upset. “I was thinking we could have a Lord of the Rings marathon or Star Wars…or…” Jonas dug into his backpack until he found what he was looking for. “…Harry Potter!!!” He said triumphantly and held out the box with all movies in front of Isak.

“Harry Potter is stupid though,” Isak smirked, knowing how much it would annoy Jonas.

 

 

After a few days he had to tell the boys too. He had been missing in action for almost a week and although Jonas has told the boys to give him some time, he couldn’t hold it off any longer.  They were at Mahdi’s house for once and Isak could tell Magnus and Mahdi knew something was up the moment Isak and Jonas turned up, especially considering how many times Jonas kept throwing worried glances at him. So when the first Call of Duty match was over Isak put down his control and looked up. Suddenly things felt much harder again but Jonas who sat next to him looked at him comfortingly.

“What’s up?” Mahdi asked, noticing the weird interaction between the two best friends.

“I…” Isak started, feeling his throat close up.

“Do you want me to tell them?” Jonas asked gently but Isak shook his head.

This was something he needed to tell them himself. It was just hard.

“Even broke up with me…” He breathed, feeling tears spring in his eyes as soon as he had said those words.

Magnus and Mahdi were absolutely amazing about the break up. Isak knew it couldn’t be easy for them because while Jonas was Isak’s best friend both Mahdi and Magnus were really close to Even too and he didn’t want them to have to give up their friendship with Even just because Isak and Even had broken up.

“You were our friend first” Mahdi concluded.

“And besides. This doesn’t stop us from being friends with Even either” Magnus added. “Unless that is something you want?”

Isak shook his head. He felt bad enough as it was and he didn’t want Even to feel like he had lost some of his friends. Even if Even had made up with his old friends and they were as close as they used to be, Isak still knew how important it was for Even to have friends around him that could support him. Especially now. 

“You will always be our main bitch, though” Magnus joked.

It actually felt better to have them know. Before Even and before he came out he was persistent with keeping his problems to himself, convinced that it was for the best. But then he had realised that he needed his friends and even if he was still getting used to be open he was getting better at it.

Days became weeks and little by little Isak went back to some sort of routine. He woke up in the morning after a few hours of restless sleep, he forced himself to eat some breakfast and went on with his day. Even had stopped by a couple of times to collect more things but Isak had gone out on both occasions. He couldn’t stand to watch his ex-boyfriend collect his stuff and empty their apartment on everything that was his. It was bad enough to come back home after Even had been there only to find more things gone. Even’s drawers were now empty and his books in the book shelf gone. The only things that were left were the drawings above the small dinner table. The drawings that Even had drawn over the months of their relationship. On rainy Sundays when Isak was either doing homework or napping in bed.

Jonas had stayed with him the first two weeks following the breakup and Eskild came by whenever he could. They both had made sure that Isak took care of himself and that he didn’t close in on himself like he usually would do. They took him out for walks and dinners and to the cinema or the bowling alley. They did anything they could to take Isak’s mind from Even but as soon as Isak came back to the empty apartment the thoughts came back and with them the endless hours of tossing and turning in bed.

Eventually school started and Isak was honestly glad to go back to some sort of routine. Now he had to leave bed and go out. The first weeks felt horrible though.

Being back definitely gave him something else to focus on besides the lonely feeling in his chest but it felt like everyone knew he and Even had broken up. He felt the stares of the girls that used do watch him and Even with adoring eyes. He could hear people gossip. He thought they were probably not that surprised anyways. Even was way out of Isak’s league to begin with and it was only a matter of time before Isak would screw up everything just like he always did.

“Don’t think about them,” Mahdi said when they stood by their lockers. “If they don’t have anything else to with their lives besides pointless gossip it’s their loss.”

“I guess,” Isak muttered.

Telling the girls was a little trickier than the boys. He was not as close to them so explaining the break up to them was a bit more awkward. Still, he thought they were all close enough to deserve an explanation. He told them one by one whenever it there was an opportunity.

He didn’t think Noora gave a fuck really, she was busy with William, and neither did Chris. Vilde probably knew the most because she was Magnus’ girlfriend but she was oddly supportive and non-judgmental.  Eva just hugged him when he told her and told him she was sorry but that she would definitely be his wing woman at future parties. It felt weird, having her comfort him when they both knew how he had tried to sabotage her relationship with Jonas. But she was past it and right now it was just nice to have her back in his life.

He was most nervous about Sana’s reaction because she knew Even the best and was sister to one of Even’s best friends. He wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t want to speak to him again. Even if that would hurt a lot because he considered her one of his closest friends. He decided to tell her after school and they went to the bench they had talked on after Isak had confronted Sana about the Instagram account.  

“Uhm, Even and I broke up,” He said nervously and looked down at his hands. “Or, well, Even broke up with me…so”

She didn’t seem surprised but on the other hand, she had probably heard it from Elias, or even from Even himself. Sana nodded slowly, giving him a chance to continue but Isak couldn’t bring himself to continue. He just looked at her hesitantly.  She didn’t look angry with him, just caring and Isak felt a bit ashamed for doubting their friendship.

“How are you feeling?” She asked. “And don’t lie to me”

“Horrible” He said honestly. “I miss him so much. Every day. They say it will get easier, and that I will get passed it but I still can’t sleep and I still have to keep myself from looking at old pictures or try to call him. I know it is stupid but I can’t help it. I just miss him.”

Sana nodded again.

“I know he misses you too” She said.

“Have you seen him?” Isak asked tentatively.

He already knew that the changes of her not having seen Even were minimal.

She gave him a sharp look and he rolled his eyes.

 “I just want to know that he is okay.” He added slowly.

It was mostly true, he did care so much about Even and the last thing he wanted was for Even to hurt.

Sana smiled softly.

“I’m not going to be some sort of messenger between you two. But he is doing pretty well. He has his friends supporting him and he’s working and stuff but I can tell he is missing you too. You are not the only one who lost someone amazing” She said.

“Huh?” Isak asked.

Sana smiled and nudged at his arm playfully.

“You are a great person, Isak. Even if you don’t believe it right now. Of course Even misses you”

Isak still had a difficult time believe that but if Sana said it perhaps it was true. After all she prided herself with being honest with her friends.

“Thanks, Sana”

She smiled again.

“Just don’t make me compliment you again” She joked.

Isak laughed.

“No worries, Sanasol,” He said. “I won’t have to make you when I excel at both biology and chemistry this year”

Sana just rolled her eyes. Then she looked at him seriously again.

“You can do this, Isak. Even if you don’t think it right know you can. You are strong.”

Isak smiled tightly.

“Yeah, it doesn’t feel that way,” He muttered, looking straight ahead.

“You’ll get there,” Sana comforted. “Anyway I’m here whenever you need to talk. It doesn’t even have to be about biology so if you want to talk about it you know I’m here for you.”

Isak nodded. He was honestly glad that he had Sana in his life. She was a good friend, and so was his boys and Jonas, and the girls. Even if it still hurt like hell to wake up every morning and go to bed every night he could do it. The days after the break-up had eaten him whole and those days he was convinced the pain was enough to burn him alive. But he didn’t and the world kept existing and it moved on and Isak moved with it. He could live without Even by his side. He just didn’t want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Feel free to leave a comment if you want to :)
> 
> I'm thinking about having one chapter from Even's perspective towards the end but I'm not sure it would actually be beneficial for the story. I know a lot of you are angry with Even right now which is totally fine. I understand you. But he has his reasons and from his side of things it might look a bit different. Let me know what you think. Even chapter or not?
> 
> Take care!


	5. Fragile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak takes steps in the right direction and the boys come up with an idea to cheer Isak up. It works and it doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> Fifth chapter here! This chapter contains some boy squad which is always fun to write. 
> 
> Thank you for your all your comments and kudos. It means a lot. It seems that a lot of you want an Even-chapter and if I'm able to write it the way I want, I will include it. A lot of people are so angry with him and I just want him to get his part of the story told too. Even if Isak is essentially my baby I feel weirdly protected of Even as well. Especially in this story. 
> 
> Next chapter is quiet eventful and I will probably update in the middle of next week. Hopefully by Wednesday or sooner. In the meantime you are very welcome to check out my little three-shot I published recently. It's called Parallel Universe No. 36. It's quite sad though so it might not be for everybody but if you want to check it out :)

It did get easier though, eventually. Maybe just the tiniest bit better but a few months in to the new school year Isak finally felt like he has more control over his life. His sleeping was not perfect but he doubted it ever would. Now he slept enough to make it through the day which was better than before he met Even so all in all he did okay. He lived with Eskild and Linn again because Noora had moved in with William after the summer. When she had heard about Isak looking for a place again she had decided to move in with William and so far things had worked for them. Isak didn’t mind though because he felt safe back in his old room. Even if it saddened him sometimes too. There were a lot of memories with Even there. Good and bad. All in all it was good to be back and Eskild always made sure he was okay and continued to feed him as if Isak was his long lost duckling.

He had told his parents about the breakup eventually but not the reason behind it. He couldn’t bear to lie and he couldn’t’ bear to see the disappointment in their eyes when they learnt how much he screwed up. Despite not being close to either of them anymore he knew they both had liked Even a lot. His father had immediately offered his son to move in with him but Isak had declined and told him that he was going to stay with Eskild and Linn again

He focused on getting perfect grades and probably spent more time studying than he had in years, much to Sana’s delight. The two of them spent a lot of time studying together even if it wasn’t just biology. They were a good team, good friends but still determined to use most of their study time together to actually study.  Even if they did take brakes sometimes where they talked about other things. Sana asked about how he was doing sometimes and Isak tried to be as honest as possible. There was no point in lying to Sana because she could see right through his charades. So on good days he told her he as doing well and on the not so good days she offered her support.

If the boys found him boring when he declined going out on a Friday night in favour for studying they didn’t tell him. Isak suspected that they were actually glad that he was doing something rather than spend all his time wrapped up in his room until they forced him out.

Isak was currently sitting in the cafeteria, trying to get some reading done on his lunch break. He knew the boys were going to arrive any minute now and by then he wouldn’t get much done so he tried to focus as well as he could on the chapter in his book while nibbling on his toast. He still didn’t have much of an appetite but he was getting there, eating every day and letting Eskild cook dinner for him a few nights a week.

When he looked up from his book, Magnus was on his way over, waving from across the room.

“So I know you are like a nerd now,” Magnus started as he sat down next to Isak at their table. “But, I’m thinking we should do something fun for the autumn break. Like go to Stockholm or Trondheim”

Isak looked at his friend and rolled his eyes.

“Why would I want to go to Trondheim?” He asked.

Magnus sighed.

“Okay not Trondheim but like Stockholm could be fun” Magnus said enthusiastically. 

Isak hesitated.

“I don’t know…” He started.

He closed is mouth as Mahdi and Jonas arrived with a grilled cheese each.

“Isak doesn’t want to go to Stockholm” Magnus complained immediately and Isak rolled his eyes even more dramatically.

“I didn’t say no.” He sighed “I just don’t know if I can afford it.”

 “But, my aunt lives in Stockholm only she is abroad so we can live at her place” Magnus said eagerly “So we only have to pay for the trip and some food.”

“It would be good for you” Mahdi said looking at Isak pointedly.

Isak hesitated. He was not sure he was up for a trip like that. He still had those moments where all he wanted to do is lie in bed all day and cry which happened quite a lot. He didn’t want to damper the mood for the other boys. Besides, he and Even had talked about sometimes going to Stockholm for a weekend. Even wanted to go to Copenhagen as well so they had made loose plans to visit all the capital cities in their neighbouring countries.

Jonas seemed to sense his distress.

“Look, Isak. We only want what is best for you. We care about you and we just want you to be happy and I think this trip might be a good idea but if you don’t want to go we can just do something else.”

Isak shook his head, making up his mind as he went.

“No we should go,” He said trying to match their excited smiles.

If he had only manged to get a tiny bit better in these few months, maybe a trip to Stockholm was what he needed to move on.

The first days in Sweden were quite good actually. The arrived with train in the afternoon and had some late lunch at some random restaurant before they spent a few hours downtown before they took the subway to where Magnus aunt lived. The first evening they decide to just stay in and use the apartment kitchen to make some tacos and afterwards they had plunged into the sofa with a bunch of movies and a shitload of candy.

The following day was spent sightseeing and they spent a few hours in the old town and the castle before Jonas convinced them to go to the photographical museum which was actually much cooler than Isak expected and he found himself actually enjoying himself. Perhaps it hadn’t been a bad idea to go to Stockholm because Isak had not thought about Even or their break up at all. Instead he enjoyed spending time with his friends, laughing and roasting Magnus as usual. The boys did all they could to keep Isak’s mind occupied elsewhere and it succeeded.

When a barista was seemingly flirting with him at a small cafe the boys were ecstatic. Isak wasn’t so sure though, for all he knew the guy was probably just friendly but he smiled at Isak when it was Isak’s turn to pay and asked for Isak’s name which according to Magnus was a clear sign of flirting.

“He didn’t ask for my name,” Mahdi pointed out, taking a huge bite from his carrot cake.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“It was just a question,” Isak muttered.

“Because he was flirting with you,” Magnus said happily.

Isak looked over to his best friend for help but Jonas seemed uninterested in helping him. Instead he smirked.

“He put a heart on your latte,” Isak pointed out to him and gestured to Jonas latte where indeed a small heart wobbled on top of the drink.

Magnus sighed dramatically.

“Every barista puts a heart on people’s latte. It’s like your go to latte art. Why is it so bad that he is flirting with you anyway?” He said.

Isak shrugged. It honestly wasn’t bad and if it was true what the boys said, Isak guessed it felt good even but he still couldn’t imagine dating anyone other than Even.

“You should order something else,” Magnus continued. “And talk to him some more.”

“You go talk to him if you want to so badly,” Isak grinned as he stole the rest of Magnus cookie.

“I will,” Magnus said determinedly. “I’ll tell him all about you,”

The rest of the day past in an instance and all of a sudden is was evening and things didn’t feel so good anymore. They were sitting in the living room of Magnus’ aunt’s apartment and Isak couldn’t stop crying. All he could think about was Even, how perfect Even was and how much he missed him.

“I’m never going to find someone like him,” Isak cried. “He was so fucking perfect and then I ruined everything”

Mahdi touched is arm awkwardly and looked from Magnus and then back to Isak, not sure what to do.

“I hate myself so much” Isak sobbed, trying to reach for his bottle of beer that sat on the table in front of him.

“I think you should drink something else,” Magnus said gently and grabbed the beer before Isak could take it.

They had planned on going out tonight. Magnus and Mahdi had been very eager to hook up with some Swedish girls and couldn’t stop talking about it but Isak had a feeling this whole trip was about Isak finding a pretty Swedish boy to hook up with instead. It wasn’t going to happen anyway because all Isak could think about now was how much he missed Even and how much he wished Even was there to hold him right now. But Even wasn’t there because Isak had fucked up the only good thing in his life and now he was all alone.

“What’s wrong? Why is he crying?”

Suddenly Jonas was next to him and Isak remembered that Jonas had gone out in the kitchen to take a call from his mother.

“I don’t know, he was fine just five minutes ago and then he started crying,” Magnus explained frantically. “We didn’t do or say anything.”

The truth was that Isak had looked through his phone and stumbled upon a picture Adam had posted on Instagram with the group of boys, including Even, hanging out in Elias’ and Sana’s living room.

Best squad ever, the caption read.

Isak, a little too drunk, had trailed is finger against Even’s perfect face taking in how happy Even looked, being all content and happy with his life without Isak in it. And here Isak was, too drunk in Stockholm in hopes that a few days away from Oslo would do anything to make him feel better. But just seeing Even was enough to make him fall apart again. It was pathetic.

“I don’t even understand why he wanted me in the first place,” Isak continued to sob. “I was a horrible boyfriend.”

“Okay, Isak,” Jonas said calmly. “You are just a bit drunk right now so we are going to stay here and watch a movie and eat some pizza.”

Isak shook his head in shame. Now he had managed to ruin everything for his friends too.

“I’m so sorry” He sobbed as fresh tears welled up in his eyes.

The boys looked at each other.

“Why don’t you and I go out on the balcony for a while” Jonas said and Isak nodded.

Jonas lead him towards the balcony and opened the door to let Isak and himself out. Before he got outside Isak could hear Jonas turn to Magnus and Mahdi who still sat in the sofa, both of them clearly a bit bothered by the whole conversation.

“If you want to go out tonight I can stay with him,” Jonas started.

“No,” Mahdi said firmly. “We will stay in too. We can see if we can find some pizza or something”

Jonas nodded and climbed out to sit next to Isak. He but a gentle hand on Isak’s shaking back as Isak continued to sob violently.

“It’s okay, Isak,” he said soothingly.

They stayed out there for at least half an hour in the hopes that he chill air would sober Isak up a bit and make him less of an emotional wreck. They didn’t say anything. Jonas smoked a cigarette and Isak drank the glass of water Magnus brought him before him and Mahdi went out to find some food. After a few minutes Isak’s sob had turned into silent tears and trailed down his cheeks slowly.

“I really miss him, Jonas,” Isak whispered. “I don’t think I will ever stop hurting”

“You will, Isak,” Jonas said “It’s okay to hurt sometimes but it is not forever.”

Isak mindlessly looked at the sky. He wondered what Even was up to right now. If he was happy? At least he had looked happy on the picture.  Maybe had found someone else. Even was so amazing so it wouldn’t surprise Isak one bit if he had find someone else already. Someone with a pretty smile and bright eyes and an interesting personality. Someone that was so much more than Isak could ever wish to be. The thought made Isak sick with jealousy and it stung painfully in his chest. He hated himself for his jealousy. Even after all these months it still clouded his vision despite his wishes to do better. It was not even his business anymore who Even saw or not anymore. All because of his jealousy.

“I’m a horrible person. No wonder Even dumped my sorry ass. He is so much better than me and he deserves someone so much better,” Isak mumbled bitterly.  “You know what?” Isak looked at Jonas briefly. “He has probably found someone already.”

Apparently Jonas was done with his cigarette know because he put it out against the cold ground they were sitting on and put it in his empty beer bottle. Then he gave Isak a serious look.

“Isak, you are a great person who made some mistakes. That doesn’t make you horrible. And if Even thinks he is going to find someone better than you then fuck him okay?”

The sober part of Isak knew Jonas was only saying these things because Isak was stupid drunk and sad but his best friend’s words still made him feel slightly better. The drunk part of him appreciated the words and focused on them.

Fuck Even. Fuck Even.

“Fuck you, Even, for breaking my heart,” Isak said, probably a little too loud. “Fuck you, Even, for telling me I’m amazing and then dumping me.”

It felt a little bit better after that and soon the boys came back with some pizza and they ate and watched movies and Isak could almost forget about Even and the mess he had made of himself. Still when they had all gone to bed and the other boys were asleep the thoughts came back and along with them the feeling of loneliness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. If you want to leave a comment to let me know what you thought! 
> 
> It may seem like Isak is not making much progress and that his breakdown is a major setback. However, he is very drunk and alcohol does not always have the effect we wish for and might highlight emotion in an unexpected way. Isak's reaction is loosely based on a friend of mine which I had to comfort a few years ago when she kept crying. So while Isak has a breakdown he is on his way to feel better. 
> 
> The next chapter is quite eventful and contains some good talks and some big steps out of Isak's comfort zone.


	6. Push Play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak has some good talks with Jonas and Eskild and Eskild makes him a deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks to all of you who have read, commented, left kudos and so on. 
> 
> In this chapter Isak takes some important steps and has some good talkes to his friends. I've come to the conclussion that the story will have 15 chapters and that I will mostly write Even's chapter as a seperate one-shot. I know there isn't much Even in this stiry at the moment but he will appear more soon. It was just necessary to have Isak focus on himself for a bit. And many times I find that you avoid your ex when you want to get over them.
> 
> Anyway here is the 6th chapter. Enjoy!

They didn’t talk about Isak’s breakdown when they got back and Isak was thankful. Honestly it was too embarrassing and Isak wished to forget that night even happened. He knew the boys didn’t judge him but it still felt embarrassing.

The weeks after autumn break trailed by and Isak managed to get back into some sort of routine again. He focused on his school work again, started to work out at a nearby gym and spent more time with the boys. Eskild offered him his Guru-advices and tried to take him out to gay clubs ‘to find him a cute boy to take home’ but Isak felt hesitant. Deep down he knew he should probably go out to see other people but he still couldn’t imagine dating anyone other than Even.

“It’d be could for you, though,” Eskild pressed. “I’m not saying you need to jump into another relationship or jump into bed with a stranger if that is not what you want but I just want you to have fun and realise that there are hundreds of guys out there who would love to date you.”

Isak shrugged but Eskild was as patient as ever with Isak’s faulty mood.

“You need to realise that even if you and Even broke up you are still a good person.”

“I get that, but…” Isak started. “There are just so many people out there who is so much better than me and I just feel like I don’t have anything to offer anyone.” He hung his head in shame. “I’m just whiny and insecure and jealous and lacy and slobby and always say stupid things. It’s not like I’m a great catch.” He sighed, trying to smile a bit to lighten the mood.

When he looked up at Eskild the other boy looked at him with a firm look on his face.

“Isak, you are a lot more than those things, and some of them are just bullshit.” Eskild said. “You are kind and sweet and thoughtful, and you take care of people, and you are funny and smart. You have so many friends who likes you and that should be proof enough that you are a good person who has lots to offer.”

They had talked a lot about this, him and Eskild. That Isak needed to realise that he was amazing and that there was lots of things about him to love. He really tried to think like that but it was difficult. He had never grown up in a family where he felt like he could thrive freely. His parents were always busy and never had time to praise him or really show him their love like he now knew other parents did. He knew his parents loved him nonetheless but their lack of actually showing him had led him to build his self-esteem around accomplishment and unless he did well in school or in other things he didn’t feel good about himself. He had never really felt good about himself and to him it was unbelievable that Even would want him when there was so many other boys and girls that where so much better than him, on all levels. Even was amazing and in comparison Isak was just not that interesting. He knew that his low self-esteem was probably the reason for a lot of his jealousy and feelings that Even would always be able to find someone better whereas Isak was just lucky he got anyone at all. So in the end it didn’t really matter what his friends said, Isak still couldn’t believe them.

“I guess, but it still feels as if I was just lucky with Even and that it was only a matter of time before he would get sick of me and I feel like it will just be the same with other guys. I’m just not worth the effort in the long run.” Isak said eventually.

Eskild sighed and stood up from his chair and went over to fridge and opened it.

“This exactly why you need to go out with me. You need to realise that you are a great catch and that anybody who got to be with you would be lucky.” He said as he poured himself some orange juice.

Isak sighed and warmed his hands on his mug of coffee. He knew Eskild was right when he said he needed to go out and see other people but a small part of him didn’t want to get rid of Even in case he would decide to take Isak back.

“Let’s make you a deal,” Eskild interrupted. “I take you out this Friday and let you meet some of my friends that are really nice and cute, and if you hate it we can just leave and I will do your dishes for you next week.”

He gave Isak a reassuring smile. Isak nodded hesitantly.

“Okay,” He said.

He told Jonas about his plans the following day. The two of them had decided to go for some pizza after school just the two of them.

“I think Eskild is right,” Jonas said thoughtfully. “I think it would be good for you and like Eskild said it doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah, I’m just not sure if I’m ready. Part of me is still waiting for Even to take me back even if I know it won’t happen.”

“Isak if Even called you tonight and told you he wanted you to become a couple again what would you do?” Jonas asked seriously.

Isak bit his lip nervously, feeling stupid for the answer. They both knew what Isak would do.  

“I’d be happy of course.” He mumbled.

“And you would go back to date him?” Jonas pressed.

“Yeah, I guess. Why is that wrong?” Isak said.

Jonas sighed.

“It’s not wrong to want that. I just want you to feel better about yourself before you jump into a new relationship. All this time you have acted like you never deserved Even in the first place which is not true. You made some mistakes but that doesn’t mean that you didn’t deserve him or any other person.”

Isak opened his mouth to defend himself but Jonas didn’t let him.

“I know this break up was hard for you and that you are coming to terms with it. You are doing so much better now that just a month after and I want you to continue to move forward and I want you to feel good about yourself. Jumping back into a relationship with Even would just make you insecure again, and with that you’d be jealous and controlling or you’d let those feelings eat you up inside. Either way it wouldn’t be healthy.”

Isak swallowed. He knew Jonas was right and felt stupid for wanting Even back when he knew it would not lead to anything good. He was still the same person with the same insecurities and flaws. Jonas looked at him, face softening a bit.

“I’m not saying this to hurt you,” He said gently. “You are my best friend and I want what’s best for you and right know I honestly think that you should take a chance and go out with Eskild and have some fun. There is no wrong with that. If anything it could boost your self-esteem. There’s-“

“Don’t say plenty of fish in the sea,” Isak teased.

Jonas smiled.

“I was going to say hot guys waiting for you but okay,” He laughed. “Anyway I just don’t think it’d be good for you and Even to get back together right now. Even if he wanted to.”

“You got back together with Eva though,” Isak pointed out.

“Yeah but after a year and a half and the reason why we broke up was because we had problems we needed to work on. Eva felt lonely and insecure which made her act in a certain way and I didn’t really consider why she was feeling the way she did and acted like a dick to her. We both needed to work on that and if we had gotten together again after only a few months we would still have those issues and it wouldn’t be healthy.”

“Yeah, but… I don’t know. It feels different with us… I…” Isak started unsure of what to say. “I mean we had our fights and all but in the end it was down to what I…” His voice died out again.

“Just because you made some mistakes doesn’t mean that everything is your fault. With the break –up I mean. You keep saying that everything was your fault but there are two people in a relationship and some of it might be on Even too. Jonas said gently. “I mean did he ever consider your feelings and reasons why you were jealous?”

Isak shrugged.

“I guess we didn’t talk about a lot actually, mostly he would be annoyed and all and then we’d make up and he would tell be he loved me and stuff. I don’t know.” He sighed. “I just felt stupid to bring it up so…”

Jonas smiled gently.

“Well there you go,” he said softly.

They sat in silence eating their pizzas for a while.

“I’ll give it a shot,” Isak concluded. “What is the worst that could happen?”

 

Friday seemed to arrive faster than Isak would have liked and he would lie if he said he wasn’t nervous about the night when he walked home from the tram. He had never been on a date before. Well he and Even had been on plenty of dates but not before they got together. Everything had happened so quickly and naturally with Even without the really awkward dates so to be honest Isak had no idea what to do.

He guessed a shower was at least a good start so when he got home he locked himself into the bathroom and took a long shower, using the fact that he was for once alone in the apartment.

When Eskild got home Isak was busy eating some cereal. He looked up as Eskild entered the kitchen.

“Are you ready for tonight,” he said excitedly, looking at Isak expectedly.

Isak shrugged.

“Wow, don’t be too excited,” Eskild said sarcastically. “Might get disappointed.”

“Shut up, Eskild,” Isak said.

Ten minutes later Isak stood in front of his messy closet, trying to figure out what to wear. Was a button down too overkill? A fitted t-shirt too casual? Should he go for just his normal clothes? Even used to love his layers but this was about getting over Even. At the same time dressing in layers was probably the most Isak he could get and if Even had liked it maybe other guys would too.

He ended up dressing himself in a pair of freshly washed skinny jeans and matched them with a grey t-shirt and his white knitted sweater. It was autumn after all and it he got too warm he could always take it off.

There was not much he could to about his hair really and most of all he wanted to just wear his snap back but Eskild refused to let him.

“You should take your blue shirt, the one you wore at Sana’s Eid-party,” Eskild commented as he studied Isak in the hallway. “It really suits you.”

Isak bit his lip.

“This is why I don’t want to date…” he muttered pulling at his sweater uncertainly.

Eskild took a step forward and smiled reassuringly.

“You look good in this too, Isak.” he said. “Let’s just get going. Carl texted and they are already on their way.”

An hour later they were sitting at the bar with three of Eskild friends. Isak nursed a beer and tried his best not to let his nerves show. He sat next to Eskild and Eskild’s friend Sebastian who apparently was also single and therefor Eskild had forced Isak to sit next to him.

They talked for a bit, and Isak actually found Sebastian quite easy to talk to. He was at his first year of university, studying law and had lived in Trondheim most of his life but had moved to Oslo with his family when he was 15 and he too liked Narcos and Fifa. While Sebastian wasn’t very fond of Hip-hop they seemed to share the same sense of humour and it didn’t take long before Sebastian had made him laugh.

“Do you want to grab some air?” Sebastian asked when they had been talking for almost an hour.

Isak nodded and turned to let Eskild know where he was going.

The outside air felt chilly and Isak was suddenly glad he had opted for his knitted shirt. Sebastian lit a cigarette and leaned against the wall. He was slightly shorter than Isak with a lean body, blue eyes and light brown, short hair. He was wearing a black button down and dark blue jeans topped off with a pair of boots and a fancy watch. He looked more out together than Isak had ever been. He looked so casual and effortless even in this situation.

“Want one?” He asked nodding towards his cigarette.

Isak shook his head quietly. Sebastian smiled at him. His eyes where friendly and his smile warm.

“You look nice,” he commented. “Eskild has talked a lot about you actually.”

Isak laughed.

“Not just bad things I hope,” He joked.

Sebastian laughed.

“Don’t worry, he only said good things and so far you have exceeded my expectations.”

“Good for me,” Isak smiled. “I usually do that to people.” He joked.

Sebastian laughed again.

“Yeah I’m not surprised,” He said. “Eskild said that your boyfriend broke up with you,”

Isak nodded slowly. Of course Eskild had told Sebastian. While the break up was hardly a secret it still felt like a sore spot whenever someone brought it up.

“He must be blind and stupid,” Sebastian smiled. “To give you up,”

Isak laughed nervously.

“Yeah…no,” he mumbled shyly.

Sebastian gave him another warm smile and continued to smoke his cigarette while he studied Isak in silence. After a little while Isak went to lean against the wall next to him. Neither of them said anything but after a few minutes Sebastian put his cigarette out and turned to look at Isak.

“You are a sweet guy, Isak and I really like talking to you…” He mumbled.

“I…” Isak started feeling his heart beat picking up as Sebastian moved closer and their legs were suddenly touching.

“You are beautiful.” Sebastian continued.

Sebastian continued to close the small gap between them and Isak heart beat frantically the whole time. By now Sebastian’s was brushing at Isak’s cheek and his breath was warm against Isak’s skin. His lips felt soft against Isak’s own as Sebastian leaned in to kiss him. Isak met the kiss after a second of hesitation and let Sebastian pull him even closer. The other boy hand on the side of Isak’s face.

Isak was tipsy at this point but even if kissing Sebastian felt good, Isak was not drunk enough to forget that his body still wanted someone else.

“I’m sorry,” Isak mumbled. “I’m, I can’t do this. I’m not ready.”

Sebastian pulled away immediately and smiled softly. He reached out to touch Isak’s cheek one last time.

“Don’t apologize,” he said gently.

They stayed outside for a bit more, mostly in silence but Sebastian didn’t seem offended by Isak’s rejection. Instead he kept smiling in Isak’s direction.  

When Eskild and Isak walked home an hour later and after Isak had spent another hour inside talking to Sebastian, Eskild turned to Isak with a curious smile on his face.

“Do I need to do the dishes for you this week?” He asked, still smiling hopefully.

Isak shook his head. Despite his initial hesitation it had been a good night.

“No, it’s alright. It was a good night…”

Eskild nodded, quietly and the both of them kept walking in silence through the quiet streets.

“I’m really glad you had a good night, Isak,” Eskild said eventually. “And it seemed like you had a good time with Sebastian,” He added with a hint of tease in his voice combined with optimism and excitement. 

He had had a good time with Sebastian, no doubt and the hours had passed by in an instance almost. Sebastian was a nice guy and the attention he gave Isak even when Isak rejected him felt good. He just wasn’t sure if he wanted more with him or with anyone else. At least not right now.

“I don’t know, he’s really nice,” Isak concluded. “And we had a great time and all but I just don’t think I’m ready for anything else at the moment.”

“Just take your time,” Eskild said, “There’s no rush. I just want you to be happy, that’s what all of us want.”

“I’m getting there,” Isak said and right now he truly believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Please leave a comment if you want to :) 
> 
> Next chapter Even will make an apperance! Might take a while until I manage to upload because I'm abit uncertain how to progress. I had an idea in my head but now I don't now how to get there. And work and school is eating me alive so I don't have that much time to write. But I have a few chapters pre written so shouldn't be more than a week but hopefully sooner.
> 
> Until then, take care!


	7. Titanium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even reunite but not in the way Isak had expected. As always Eskild provides good advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, the chapter when Even finally makes an apperance again. I know manny of you have waited for this chapter a long time and I'm so scared that I'm going to disappoint you with it. Hopefully you won't be too disappointed with it. There will be more Even from now on, probably in each chapter with the exception from one. I do relalise that I will probably need to make the chapters longer from now one because there are so many things that need to happen to reach the end. So the chapters will probably be a bit longer and more eventful. It's probably not good for the consitency of the story but I don't want to make the story even longer than 15 chapters. I could probably have extended this chapter but I think I found a good way to end it. Oh well, I always lose my confident at one point in my story and this is probably that point.
> 
> Anyway, as always, a huge thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos :)
> 
> I hope you like this chapter!

It’s was day in late November when the inevitable happened. Isak couldn’t believe it had been over four months since he last saw Even and he was not prepared to see him now. Not like this.

Isak was on his way home from the gym and probably looked like shit and Eskild had asked him to pick up some groceries from the supermarket. Isak hadn’t expected to run into Even but has he walked around the aisles trying to find everything he needed he saw him standing there, standing only a few meters away and currently trying to pick out some cereal.

Even looked so perfect, a complete contrast from Isak’s own appearance. His hair was perfectly styled, the way Isak has seen him done it a million times before. He was wearing his green jacket with his usual hoodie, and dark jeans. He took Isak’s breath away in an instant and Isak wished he could run away but he couldn’t because Even had already seen him and was on his way over. Isak only got a few second to control his breathing before Even stood right in front of him.

“Isak, hi!” Even said cheerfully and fired of a dazzling smile.

“Hey,” Isak stuttered and looked anywhere but Even’s eyes.

It ended up being on Even’s neck and the small mole Isak adored.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” Even said still smiling like he was actually happy to see Isak.

That was because Isak has been avoiding every place that Even normally went to, from the pub he worked at or at least used to work at, to kaffebrenneriet where they usually went (Because that place held to many memories anyway.) And now he couldn’t even go to buy groceries at his store without bumping into Even and his stupid smile. I was fine before I walked into you, Isak wanted to shout. Now he felt like crying again.

“Yeah I guess,” He said and tried to smile.

It turned into a grimace and he looked down.

“How are you?” Even asked “You look really great” He nodded towards Isak’s work out assemble.

Isak shrugged.

“I’m okay. How are you?”

It was the most forced conversation they had ever had.

“I’m good,” Even said. “Look I-“

“I miss you,” Isak blurted out and instantly regretted it. “Sorry,” he said, instantly trying to back paddle. 

Even looked a little taken aback by Isak’s words and now his smile seemed more nervous and uncomfortable. Isak could feel himself heat up in shame and he hung his head, focused on the things in his basket.

“I’m gonna go” he said mortified and turned around leave.

“No, don’t go” Even pleaded.

Slowly Isak turned around again and looked at his ex. This time Even’s smile seemed more genuine again. The look in the blue eyes was so intense Isak couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. Even had always managed to do that to him and now was no exception. Even four months past break up.

“I have missed you too.” Even said, looking at Isak with serious eyes.

Sana had already told Isak but hearing it from Even himself felt- Isak was not sure how he really felt about it but some part of him felt good. He smiled slightly.

“So,” They both said at the same time.

Even chuckled and nodded for Isak to continue. Isak took a deep breath. He could do this. He certainly could talk to his ex-boyfriend in the grocery store. It didn’t have to be more than that. He wouldn’t be able to avoid it for ever and sooner or later he would run into Even at some sort of social gathering and then it was better if they had done this awkward talk here. Where none of their friends were here to watch.

“How are you?” Isak repeated, nervously biting at his lip. “I mean, how have you been?”

“Good,” Even nodded. “I’ve been doing pretty well. I still live with my parents and I still work at that bar but I have also been taking this online course at the university so I’m excited about that. It is nice to do something else besides serving beer and stuff.”

Isak rolled his eyes.

“You love it though” He smirked. “Especially the drunk regulars”

They both laughed.

“I think I might save up some money so I can travel next year. We’ll see though but everything has gone really good so far so I think I’ll manage,” Even continued and Isak can’t help himself but feel proud of Even.

For most people travelling wasn’t a big deal but Even had always been a bit hesitant about doing that and especially planning stuff, afraid that the plans would be ruined by a sudden episode or that he would lose control because of his mania.

“That sounds really good, Even” He said sincerely. “I’m happy for you”

Even beamed.

“How have you been doing?” he asked more seriously and looked at Isak.

Isak forced himself to look away, fearing that Even would look right passed his charades because Isak hadn’t been doing good at all. Hell, only a few weeks ago he had gotten drunk and spent half the night crying about Even. And before that he had just gotten himself together remotely. And then there was still those unanswered texts he had sent Even during these months. They both knew it. He was getting there but just standing here next to Even, distance farther than ever before in more ways than one, was fucking terrifying and dreadful. As much as he had craved Even’s presence, the force it took him to hold it together was exhausting.

He ended up shrugging again.

“I’m doing okay,” he said hoping Even wouldn’t ask any more questions. “I’ve just focused on my grades and stuff. Nothing spectacular. You know how last year of school is,” he joked weakly.

“Yeah I did it twice after all” Even laughed. Then he adds “You are a genius, Isak. I know you will do amazing.”

Even’s voice was soft and affectionate and Isak swallowed. It suddenly felt too much.

“I should go,” he mumbled faintly, making a gesture to his basket. “Eskild is waiting for his eggs so.” He took a step back. “But it was nice seeing you and I’m really glad you are doing well.”

Even nodded looking slightly disappointed with Isak’s sudden departure.

“It was nice seeing you too, Isak” He said, taking a step closer to the younger boy. “I’m glad we bumped into each other.”

For a moment Isak was afraid Even was going to hug him so he quickly took another step backwards to regain the distance between them.

“You too,” He exclaimed. “I really have to go now.”

Even looked like he wants to say something more but then he just nodded and smiled one last time.

“Okay, bye, Isak” He said and Isak could practically feel Even’s eyes burn his back as he walked towards the check out.

His mind was a mess during the rest of the way home. Part of him was proud of the way he handled meeting Even, another happy that it happened because Even’s presence always made him happy. A third part of him was panicking because he didn’t know what this meant at all. Even seemed so happy and content with his life and while he didn’t want Even to be miserable he wanted Even to be happy and content with Isak next to him. But still, Even had said that he was happy to see Isak and that he had missed him. One the other hand, maybe he had just said it to be polite. After all Isak was the one who had randomly blurted out that he missed Even and Even probably didn’t want to make things more awkward.

Eskild gave him a weird look when Isak dumped the bag of groceries in front of him without a word before he headed straight to the bathroom.  

He stepped out of the bathroom ten minutes later, freshly showered and ready for bed. He felt tired after tonight’s events and just wanted to go to bed but as soon as he entered his room he realised that Eskild had other plans in mind.

His room-mate was sitting on his bed, cup of tea ready for Isak on the night stand. He patted for Isak to join him in the bad, seemingly unfazed by the fact that Isak was wearing only his towel.

“What do you want?” Isak asked grumpily and frowned at Eskild’s innocent looking face. “Could you move?” He muttered as he tried to reach for his sleep shirt under the pillow that Eskild was currently sitting on.

Eskild rolled his eyes and watched as Isak struggles to put his shirt on and struggled even harder with his boxers, while trying to keep his hold on the towel.

“I have seen you naked,” Eskild pointed out.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Yeah because you never knock and always walk in on me even though you know I’m in the shower,” Isak said and threw his wet towel at Eskild’s face. 

Eskild made a disgusted grunt and Isak smirked in triumph.

“Okay, baby-Jesus,” Eskild started, suddenly more serious. “Did something happen today because you are more grumpy then usual and when you walked in here you looked like you had seen a ghost?”

Isak silently sat down next to Eskild and swallowed.

“I saw Even,” He mumbled. “At the grocery store.”

Eskild stayed silent for a while studying Isak’s face carefully and un-doubtfully trying to figure out what to say.

“So, how did it go?”

Isak sighed.

“Okay, I guess. At least I didn’t start to cry.”

Eskild smiled, encouraging Isak to continue.

“We didn’t even talk that much. Just small talk, I guess.”

Isak looked down at his lap.

“He told me he missed me.”

“But that’s great, Isak” Eskild said but Isak shook his head.

“It’s probably just because I said it first and it made him feel weird and forced to say it,” Isak reasoned and looked up at Eskild.

The older boy shook his head firmly. Then he gently grabbed Isak’s hand.

“Of course he didn’t say it because he felt like he had too. I have no doubt that Even has missed you all these months. Just because you two broke up doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss what you two had.”

Isak smiled sadly.

“I miss him so much,” He whispered.

“I know, Isak, and it’s okay.”

Isak shakes his head in frustration.

“I should be over him by now.”

Even if Even had said that he had missed Isak, by the look of things, Even had moved on. The contrast between them had been enormous; Even happy and cheerful, and Isak barely holding it together. It would be a lie if he said he was ready to let go of Even. Even if he hadn’t started crying in the middle of the grocery store, he still wanted to be with Even with all his heart and he still loved Even so, so deeply. Yet it looked like Even was over Isak.

“There is no time limit,” Eskild mumbled.

“He has moved on,” Isak concluded sadly. “He looked so happy and content with life and seemed to be doing so good.”

He lied down on his bed and Eskild scooped to the side to let Isak crawl under the covers. Isak expected him to leave, especially when Isak turned his back to Eskild, signalising that the guru-advising time was over. However, Eskild stayed.

“I’m still proud of you,” Eskild said. “You are strong, Isak and you have come such a long way. You proved to yourself that seeing Even is not that bad. You can handle it and it’s not going to get any worse than that. It will only get better.”

Eskild ended up staying for a while longer camping at the foot of Isak’s bed. Neither said anything but Isak felt oddly comforted with having Eskild there. Even if Eskild could be a bit obnoxious sometimes he was always there for Isak when it mattered. To be honest he probably owned Eskild more than all of his other friends. After all Eskild had taken him in when he was just a drunk stranger who didn’t want to go home. Now Eskild was the big brother never had and more like his family than Isak’s own parents.

Eventually Eskild left him to go to bed but long after he had closed Isak’s door behind him, Isak stayed awake. He felt restless and his thoughts wouldn’t let him sleep just yet.  He thought about what Eskild had said, that even if he felt like breaking down at the sight of Even and that it hadn’t been easy, Isak had managed. Instead of running away he had manged to stay and do the small talk and joking just like he would do with any friend. Sure it had hurt- especially when he considered how happy Even seemed, but it didn’t hurt as bad as he had imagined it would. Up until now he had kind of feared running into Even because he had been so sure he would never be able to see Even without breaking down. Now he didn’t even fear running into Even again. Because he could handle it. Like Eskild said, it couldn’t get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so hopefully I didn't disappoint you too much. Let me know what you thought.
> 
> Next chapter will have a lot more Even and I think some of you might be happy with it and some might not. I'm divided with what I feel but have decided to go with it anyway. It was part of the plan and I want to stick to it no matter what. But that is the next chapter, haha. 
> 
> I will try to post it in a few days but I'm still very busy so it might take me a week. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and take care!


	8. High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The month of December with all that it means. Christmas, New Years, alchol and the regular stuff. Shit happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said it was probably going to take a while to update but then I thought why not? This chapter is the one I'm most scared and anxious about posting. I don't think it turned out the way I wanted to and I'm afraid that it will disappoint you (again). I know I said the same thing about last chapter but this is actually the chapter I'm most nervous about. The next few chapters I have planned I actually like. Hehe. I'm sure there will be some divided feelings about this chapter which is totally fine. Just remeber we are just half way there. Still lots to come. 
> 
> Anyway fingers crossed that you WILL like it :)

The month before Christmas ran by as fast as it always did. Isak busied himself with school work as usual and hung out more with his friends. This year he actually spent time trying to find good gifts for his friends and family. Usually he would end up with buying boring things such as a gift card for his mom and a new tie for his dad and something stupid and silly for Jonas as a joke. This year he wanted to change that.

Even though Christmas had always been a sore spot for him, he felt like doing the best of the situation. He was going to spend Christmas Eve with his parents and then as usual go to Jonas house where he would spend Christmas day and boxing-day. It had become their tradition and Jonas family was pretty much his own. Still it stung that he didn’t get to spend it with Even. He had imagined waking up in Even’s arms on Christmas Eve, watching Even cook breakfast from the window sill and then go eat lunch with his parents and then in the afternoon go over to Even’s parents and spend the rest of the evening there. It probably wouldn’t have happened like that even if they were together but he had always imagined them like that in the future.

The thought had made Isak tear up in the middle of the store but he had quickly manged to focus on what tea he should buy for his mother instead. Isak had planned it all in his head and even if it was only June he had started to figure out what to buy Even. Even was so amazing at gifts and Isak just wanted to give him something that could match up. After the video Even had made him on his birthday Isak knew he could never measure up. It was just another thing Even was better at.

When he got home he made the mistake of watching the video for the first time since the break-up. Eskild found him an hour later, a sobbing mess on the bathroom floor.

He took his mom to the Christmas concert in church and this year he stayed the whole time and watch his mother’s happy tears with a happy smile on his own face. Afterwards she hugged him tightly and whispered into his ear just how proud she was of him, just how much she would always love him.

“I love you too, mamma,” he whispered.

Christmas turned out to be pretty good after all. His mother was doing really well and the three of them were really trying to make it a good night. His dad was in a good mood and Isak felt relaxed in the company of his two parents.

They had never been big on Christmas food so instead they ended up with some take out but it was okay. They handed out their gifts in the living room just like they always did when Isak was little. Isak’s dad sat in his usual arm chair and Isak and his mother shared the couch. Isak rested his feet in her mother’s lap as she opened her gift from him. A set of some of her favourite teas that she claimed were too expensive to buy for herself, and two new tea mugs.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” She said happily and patted Isak’s legs.  

Isak smiled happily. He was so happy that his mother was doing well and that they were actually able to do this together even if they were far from a perfect family. His dad seemed to be enjoying the moment as well from his place in the arm chair.

His father had always been a bit trickier to buy things for. Not because he was picky or anything but because Isak felt like they didn’t really know each other and he was still afraid that the tiniest wrong turn in their relationship would destroy everything they had so carefully built up during the last year. He ended up buying a subscription of a history magazine he knew his father liked and a few new books and his father seemed happy with his gifts.

Isak ended up getting a new computer from his parents and while he thought it is way too much they both looked so excited when he opened it that he couldn’t bring himself to protest.

Hours he sunk deeper into his mother’s lap and she stroke his back like she used to when he was little before everything happened between them. Isak closed his eyes and for a minute he was six years old again.

“I love you and I am so proud of you, sweetheart,” She mumbled and he sunk deeper into her lap.

It was just the two of them at the moment. Isak’s dad had gone out to the kitchen to collect something and would be back any minute but Isak still treasured this moment with his mother. He honestly didn’t remember the last time they had been alone together and he hadn’t feared for her.

“I know you have had a though year and a tough couple of months,” His mother continued, the guilt evident in her voice.

“Mamma,” He tried but she continued without letting him interrupt.

“I can see that you are sad right now and I know that you miss Even but you are strong, Isak. It will pass, you just have to let it take time and be patient.  You have been through so much in your life that me and that put you through and I know you will be okay. You are stronger than you ever know.”

Isak closed his eyes and just listened to his mother’s calming and soothing voice. Maybe she was right. Hearing her words, made him think he would get there.  Even if it sometimes felt like he was not even close to be okay, on days like this, when he got lie on his mother lap, it felt like he was more than half way there and that someday he would be there for sure. Today it felt like that day was not that far away.

He was almost asleep by the time his father re-joined them in the living room. 

“I’m so happy you are here, my child,” His mother whispered.

The week between Christmas and New Year’s ran by in what felt like a second. Isak spent his Christmas day and boxing-day at Jonas’ as usual and on New Year’s Eve everything went to hell. Or Isak pretty much stuffed up everything. And maybe was Even’s fault too.

Originally Isak and the boys had planned to just use Isak’s flat to have a small dinner and then go out afterwards since no one was at home but then Vilde had persuaded Magnus that they all needed to celebrate together and it wasn’t until Isak had agreed to host, he realised that with everyone Vilde meant the girl squad including the Bakka guys and inevitably Even. At first he had panicked but then Jonas had manged to calm him down and reassured him that everything would be okay. Whatever would happen during the night Jonas would be there ready with some weed so the two of them could sneak away.

“And if you really don’t want to you don’t have to. Everyone will understand,” Jonas had said reassuringly. “Magnus will talk to Vilde, it will be fine.”

“No it’s okay. I really think we should be able to see each other,” Isak had answered smiling to convince both himself and Jonas that it was the right decision.

Having had his conversation with his mother had helped him a lot and made him feel like this was something he was ready for. Something he wanted to do even. If Even had moved on, then Isak wanted to proof to everyone that he was ready too. He was tired of people looking at him as if he was broken and to be honest he was tired of feeling broken too. He really needed to not be broken.

And so when Elias had texted Isak to make sure he was okay with the boys and Even coming Isak had texted back that it definitely was okay.  

He didn’t have time to reflect on Even during the day of New Year’s Eve. Him and Jonas spent the morning cleaning and buying groceries. The boys where going to have dinner before everyone else arrived and Jonas had promised he would help Isak sort it out which was probably a good thing because Isak was still useless in the kitchen. As the hours went by he was starting to become more and more nervous. He was desperate to prove to himself that he was ready to move on completely and he wanted to be able to see Even without it hurting. But he was still scared.

 

The boys managed to distract him with dinner but as soon as they were done and it was merely minutes left until the other were to arrive Isak felt almost sick. He had already had a few beers and some wine but it did little to soothe his nerves.

The girl squad arrived first, all of them but Sana were already pretty drunk and Eva showed it by throwing herself onto Isak’s arms as soon as he opened the door.

“Isak!” She squealed right into his ears and he cringed slightly as her voice cut through his ears.

“Hey, Eva!” He laughed.

They spent some time in the living room, Isak made himself a red bull vodka and set down on the edge of the sofa next to Sana. He smiled happily at her and she gave him a small smile back. Then the doorbell rang again.

Isak stood up to open the door, swaying only slightly.

In his nervousness about Even he had sort of forgotten to worry about Even’s friend that he would now meet. He liked them all but the truth was that he hadn’t gotten to know them all that much before he had Even broke up and he didn’t really know what to expect from them. But then on the other hand, they probably wouldn’t have come here if they despised him.

Elias was quick to give him a hug and a friendly pat on the back, as was Mutta. Adam and Yousef weren’t too awkward either. They were all easy going and never made things awkward. Then there was Mikael who Isak probably knew the least for obvious reasons.

“Hey, Isak.” He said in a friendly tone.

 “Hey,” Isak said nervously feeling fully focused on the person behind Mikael.

Of course Even was going to be the last person to great Isak. He stood hesitantly in the doorway, as unsure of the situation as Isak.

“Uh, hi!” He said awkwardly, clearing his throat.

“Hi,” Isak mumbled as Even took a step into the apartment and closed the door behind him. “So…”

Even gave him a quick, stiff hug which Isak barely had time to return before Even was halfway to the living room where the rest of them were waiting.

Isak took a deep breath to try to collect himself and closed his eyes. He could do this.

 

Isak was drunk, very drunk, and so were a lot of other people. The music was loud and the whole flat was vibrating under his feat. Jonas was currently sitting in the sofa chatting with Mikael and Magnus and Vilde had disappeared into Eskild’s room some time ago. Isak stumbled through the living room drunkenly and grabbed at the doorway to the kitchen to steady himself. He needed something more to drink so he went over to the fridge where he had put his vodka and red bull and tried to pour himself another drink. He ended up spilling half of his red bull on the counter and probably filled his glass with more vodka than necessary.

“Hey,”

Isak would recognize that voice anywhere and when he looked up Even was standing next to him. The room spun slightly. Isak had avoided Even pretty much all night, instead focusing himself on getting drunk enough. Even had always been there though, in the corner of his eyes chatting with Sana or with Mahdi and Magnus but always at the other side of the room. Until now.

“Uh, hey,” Isak said. “Want one?” he asked and nodded towards his drink.

Even shook his head.

“I’m too drunk already,” He said, smiling.

“Oh,” Isak said and took a sip, grimacing at the taste of vodka that over powered the whole drink and made his stomach churn.

“Maybe you shouldn’t drink that either,”

Isak shrugged and took another sip. If he was going to talk to Even he wanted to get drunker.

“Okay I’ll have one,” Even said pointedly and Isak smiled.

“You’ll love it,” He promised and reach for another glass in the cupboard.

“I doubt that,” Even chuckled as Isak made him the drink and handed it to him. “Thanks.”

“Well cheers,” Isak said rising his glass sloppily towards Even.

“Cheers, Isak,” Even mumbled.

20 minutes later they were both sitting on the kitchen floor, the alcohol starting to kick in for sure. Isak was leaning against the counter, eyes closed. The room was spinning even more now and Isak had trouble focusing his eyes.  Even was sitting next to him, almost close enough for their arms to touch.

“I’m so drunk right now,” Isak commented. “I’m going to be fucked tomorrow.”

“Mm, me too, should probably not drink this much,” Even commented.

Isak gave him a reassuring look.

“It’s New Year’s Eve, everyone is drunk” He said with a grin and Even nodded.

“I guess,” he said. “Still feel like I’m make so many people disappointed right now,” He continued. “I’ve been doing so good recently, even with the break up and everything and I’m just waiting to slip up again and coming here made me nervous and I just… I don’t want to fuck up but it’s like everyone expects me to have another episode any day now. It’s just a matter of time and it scares me.”

Isak didn’t like Even talking this way, and it always made him sad to hear how scared Even could be of his own mind sometimes.

Isak struggled to stand up but once he was on his feet he lent his hand towards Even to pull him up.

“Let’s get out of here,” He said.

Outside was freezing but a welcoming contrast compared to the apartment that was overcrowded and the air warm and suffocating. Isak struggled a bit in a pair of shoes that wasn’t even his own and way too big and Even grabbed his arm when he stumbled.

“Woah,” Even commented as he steadied Isak. “Are you sure we should be doing this?”

Isak snorted a bit.

“You are usually the one to say ‘let’s go’ or ‘follow me’ and just walk away I thought you’d love an adventure” he pouted slightly.

Even laughed.

“I do love an adventure but I don’t want you to slip and die. Why did you take someone else’s shoes?” he smiled and watched as Isak struggled to retain his balance by himself which was hard in his too big shoes combined with the amount of alcohol in his body.

“Couldn’t find mine,” Isak muttered. “Because everyone at the party just dumped their shoes on top of mine.”

Even laughed again.

“Besides I won’t fall and die if you hold my arm,” Isak smirked and gave Even a cheeky smile.

“Haha, so when you fall you are going to take me with you so we both die?,” Even smiled

Isak rolled his eyes.

“We won’t die,” He said.

They didn’t walk far until they stopped again and Isak offered Even the joint Jonas had given him earlier that night but Even shook his head.

“I really shouldn’t,” he sighed with a hint of sadness in his voice which Isak did not like.

Isak swallowed.

“Then I won’t have it either,” he concluded with a reassuring smile and put the joint back into his pocket. “I’m sure Jonas will be happy to have it later,” he continued.

Even nodded gratefully.

Isak tried to come up with something else to say the whole time but his foggy brain wouldn’t cooperate with him. Even in drunken state he could feel Even looking at him intensely from time to time and for a few seconds he fell brave enough to meet Even’s eyes.

“Happy New Year, Isak” Even said with a smile and raised the can of beer he was holding.

“Happy New Year,” Isak replied and let his beer bottle touch Even’s.

They walked in silence, Isak trying to keep himself from stumble and to walk in a straight line which was difficult seeing how drunk he was. From the look of things, Even wasn’t doing much better. Once they almost ended up falling on to the cold snow but Even saved them by grabbing a lamp post and Isak clung desperately to Even’s arm.

“I’ve been looking at you the whole night,” Even whispered when they reach the front door again. “You are so beautiful tonight.“

They were standing close enough for Isak to feel Even’s breath against his skin. The other boy smelled like alcohol. Even brought up cold hand to Isak’s face and touched his cheek softly. Isak closed his eyes against the tender touch.

“We should probably go inside,” He said cowardly.

Even nodded.

“Yeah,” he said, looking away.

“Yeah,” Isak repeated. “We should.”

Then Isak felt himself slam against the front door and Even’s body press at him as Even kissed him eagerly. Isak kissed him back, hungrily and sloppily and gasped slightly as a cold hand pressed against the bare skin of his back.

“I…” Even stuttered.

“We should go upstairs,” Isak said before kissing Even’s neck again.

He fumbled with the keys but manged to unlock the door again and held the door open for Even as they both stumbled inside again.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Even mumbled as they both made their way upstairs, stopping every few meters to kiss each other.

“Is there someone else?” Isak gasped, finally asking what he would never dared to ask if he wasn’t so drunk. Asking what he had wondered for such a long time.

He was scared for the answer but needed to know nonetheless. Even stopped kissing him for a second and looked at him.

“There is no one else,” he whispered. “There’s never been anyone else.”

They ran into a surprised Eva in the hallway but barely had time to register the puzzled look on her face before they were inside Isak’s room and Even closed the door behind them. Part of Isak screamed at himself to stop but he couldn’t. Part of Isak knew he would regret this in the morning but right now all he could think about was how much he had craved Even and Even’s touch for the months they had spent apart and at the moment all he wanted was to be feel Even’s hands on his body and those lips against his own.

“Are you sure?” Even asked from his position on top of Isak.

He couldn’t say no to Even, not when all he did was craving his touch.

“I’m sure,” Isak mumbled, letting Even kiss his neck. “Are you?”

“I’m sure.” Even breathed.

It was such a familiar feeling, like he knew every part of Even by heart and that Even knew him the same.

Outside their friends were counting down the New Year. Inside Isak laid on his side, wrapped up in tangled mess of sheets. Even was lying next to him, a small smile on his face as he played with Isak’s hair softly.

“Don’t cry,” He whispered softly, “It’s the saddest thing I know.”

Isak bit his lip and blinked.

“I never want to let you go.” He whispered.  

“Then don’t,” Even whispered and leaned in to kiss Isak again and wrapped their bodies closer again just as the fireworks exploded outside.

When Isak woke up the next morning Even was long gone and the bed beside him cold and Isak wondered if Even had even been there at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah that happend. I just want to point out that they are both drunk and still have a weak spot for eachother and hence they do this. I understand if some of you think it doesn't make any sense why Isak would invite Even but in my mind he is just over being heartbroken and wants to prove to himself that he is moving on. He wants to prove to his friends that he has moved on even if it is not necessary the case. 
> 
> I have had this planned for a really long time and even though I know lots of you will probably dislike the turn it took it was important for me to stick to my plan. It his far from over though and in the next chapter they will have an important talk and Isak will be very brave. 
> 
> Anyways let me know what you thought :)


	9. Everybody's changing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even talk and Isak surprises himself a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my thank you so much for your support after last chapter. I felt a bit insecure about it but you guys were amazing so thank you. This chapter I'm much more happy with and hopefully you will enjoy it too. You could say this is a turning point in the story and even if the events of a last chapter was a bit messy something good might come out of it. 
> 
> Lastly please check out my new story (a very fluffy Christmas one-shot) which I posted yesterday. It contains no hurt or angst only fluffiness.

Isak wasn’t surprised that Even wasn’t there in the morning and perhaps it was for the best. It honestly didn’t hurt has much as he expected it to either. He was sure that pretty much every one at the party knew they had had sex because they hadn’t really stealthy when they made it to Isak’s room and they were both missing at midnight. He wondered what they all thought about them or mostly about him.

It was such a cliché thing to do, hooking up with your ex and at first Isak had felt so stupid over it, and the hungover induced anxiety told him how much he had fucked up. He felt weak and stupid and confused. He knew it probably meant nothing for them, but even though he had been drunk out of his mind, it had meant something to him and he hadn’t been drunk enough to not remember how good it felt to be with Even and how safe he had felt in Even’s arms once they had fallen asleep.  

The kitchen was a mess of empty bottles and glasses and the living room was not better. Isak didn’t mind though, despite is headache and minor queasiness he started clearing both room so dishes and classes, took out the trash and started with the dishes. Isak from a year ago would never have done anything like this the day after a party but he finds cleaning up soothing. It gave him the chance to reflect on last night on his own terms and without anyone judging or prying.

He knew he had been a little too optimistic when he invited Even to the party and expected nothing like this to happen. He had expected it to hurt, and it had but he had expected himself to be able to pre occupy himself until the party was over and prove to himself that he was over Even. But then Even had found him in the kitchen and they had sat next to each other and then he had suggested they take a walk and then… well they both had been too drunk he concluded. And while it had meant something to Isak Even might not even remember it.

He was almost done with the dishes by the time the door to Linn’s room opened and Mutta and Elias walked out. Isak had no idea they had actually crashed there.

“You should have woken us up and let us help you,” Elias commented and gestured to the dishes on the dishrack.

“I don’t mind,” Isak muttered.

He really didn’t feel like talking to them, especially after last night.

“Where’s Even?” Elias asked.

“At home I guess,” Isak shrugged and turned his back towards them.

“Oh,” Mutta said.

“Yeah well it’s fine.” Isak said shortly, still with his back turned towards the other boys.

“It’s okay if it’s not,” Elias said gently. “We care about you and if I had known this would have happened I wouldn’t have asked if we could come.”

“It’s not your fault,” Isak said through slightly clenched teeth as he brought up a hand to his head in frustration.  “I knew what I was doing so…”

He already knew he had done a mistake and he really didn’t need anyone to add to that. He felt awkward enough without their pity. 

“Yeah well I’m sure that Even…” Mutta tried but Isak didn’t want to hear the rest.

“It’s fine… I don’t need an explanation. We had sex, it was stupid. End of story,” he snapped.

The two of them left a short while later and while Magnus and Vilde were still hiding in Eskild’s room Isak didn’t feel like staying there any longer. Jonas had texted him and told him he could come over anytime if he wanted to talk so Isak took him up on his offer and headed towards the tram.

Eva was still there when Isak came over, and now the three of them sat in Jonas small room, just like they used to do when they are little. Not much had changed really, the posters that used to decorate Jonas room had been replaced by guitars and skate boards and the walls had been repainted over the years but the room still felt so familiar that it brought memories back every time Isak visited.

“Have you recovered from last night?” Jonas asked from where he and Eva sat on his bed.

Isak sat in Jonas arm chair fiddling with Jonas’ Rubik’s cube. He shrugged.

“Do you want to talk about you and Even?” Jonas asked and Isak for once appreciated how direct Jonas had become with him over the past year.

“I mean what is there to say?” Isak sighed. “We were drunk, we had sex. It was as amazing as always but I don’t know. “

“But how do you feel about it?” Jonas pressed gently.

Isak shrugged again.

“I don’t know to be honest,” he concluded. “Confused I guess. I mean we are hardly the first ex couple to have sex with each other but I mean it has to mean something right?”

Now it was Jonas turned to sigh and he looked at Isak as if he wanted to say something but was trying to figure out how to say it.

“What?” Isak asked.

“I don’t know. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up or something,” Jonas said honestly and gave Isak an uncertain look.

“It’s not like I expect us to get back together,” Isak said defensively. “I just…”

He looked away, knowing very well where Jonas’ worries where coming from. Only a few months ago he would definitely gotten his hopes up and been ecstatic about the prospect of getting back together with Even. He would probably have been heartbroken too once he noticed that Even had left but during the last month he had done a lot of thinking and spent a lot of time talking to different people about the situation. He was far from over Even and he still had a long way to go.

However, he didn’t expect anything from Even at this point or from their stupid hook up. It was a mistake that would never had happened if they weren’t drunk or of Isak hadn’t made the mistake of inviting Even to the party. He should have known better. He should have given it more time but he was just desperate to prove to everyone that he had moved on. That it didn’t hurt anymore. He didn’t want to be the person who could never get over his ex but seeing Even back in kollektivet had made a lot of memories come back and as he tried had tried to make himself drunk enough so that those memories would hurt less it had only let to him slip and cave in.

“Isak!”

This time Eva was the one who spoke and Isak looked up again. She and Jonas were watching him carefully.

“Sorry what?” he asked.

“I think you need to let it take time,” Eva said as if she had read his mind. “It’s okay for it to take time and no one expects you to suddenly be all fine because some time has past.”

Isak nodded.

“I was doing better though,” he mumbled. “It was starting to feel good and I just wanted to prove to myself that I was making progress. It feel so stupid though. All it took was one drunk night for me to jump back to bed with him and now I have no idea what it even means. Maybe it meant nothing to him?”

 Eva smiled sympathetically.

“I know what you are going through, Isak,” she said gently. “I felt the same when me and Jonas broke up. I wanted to be fine and over him but I still felt like a mess inside and it took a lot of time to get over.”

Jonas looked slightly guilty at Eva’s confession but he soon turned his attention back to Isak again.

“The point is that you can’t beat yourself up because this happened. Besides, Even chose to have sex with you too. So that is on both of you.” Eva continued and Isak nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said.

He swallowed thickly.

“Just talk to him, Isak,” Jonas said. “It will be okay.”

Isak nodded again and closed his eyes.

“I’m just really scared that he’s going to say it didn’t mean anything to him. That it was just a stupid mistake. I mean it kind of was a mistake but it still felt so good to be with him and-”

He didn’t get a chance to continue because suddenly his phone started ringing. When he looked at the screen it was probably the last person he had expected who was calling.

“It’s him,” he breathed panicky and looked and Jonas and Eva desperately.

“Just answer him,” Jonas said calmly. “Eva and I will stay in the kitchen.”

The two of them walked out of the door as the phone kept ringing. When Eva had closed the door behind her Isak answered the call with shaky hands.

“Hi,” he said, voice frail and uneven.

“Uh, hi,” Even answered. “How are you?”

Isak bit his lip.

“I’m okay,” he mumbled.

“That’s good,” Even said. “Look, I think we should talk. About yesterday.”

“Mm,” Isak mumbled.

“I think, maybe I can come over?”

By the sound of Even’s voice he was as uncertain about the whole situation as Isak was. Isak swallowed.

“I’m at Jonas’ right now,” he said dumbly.

“Oh, okay,” Even mumbled. “So…”

“But I could come over later, or we could meet somewhere,” Isak said quickly.  I guess Eva and Jonas will want some time alone soon anyway and Magnus and Vilde might still be at mine so…” He tried to laugh but it failed miserably.

Even was quiet on the other end and Isak took it as his queue to continue.

“I guess most places are closed today anyway so maybe I could come by your place in a few hours?”

“Okay,” Even said, “Just let me know when you are on your way.”

He felt nervous as he rang the doorbell to Even’s apartment two hours later. He hadn’t been there since his birthday when the two of them had been over for a birthday dinner which Even’s dad had cooked. It felt like a life time ago. Even opened the door after only a few seconds and he silently let Isak inside.

“Hi,” he said once Isak was inside.

“Hey,” Isak said, smiling unsurely. “Are you home alone?”

The apartment was quiet which was a tell-tale sign that Even’s dad was not at home and if his mother hand been there she would have greeted Isak in the hall. Now there was just quietness and no friendly embrace from Even’s mother.

Even nodded.

“Did you come here for my parents?” he joked and Isak laughed.

“Yeah, so I’m going to go now,” He retorted and pretended to put on his shoes again.

Even smiled warmly.

“Do you want to go to the living room or?” he asked and instantly the tiny moment when things felt normal was gone and was replaced with the same awkwardness that seemed to hunt them after their break up.

“Sure,” Isak nodded and followed Even into the cosy family living room.

Isak had always liked it there, there was lots and lots of books and cosy arm chairs. It was nothing like his own childhood living room which had been pristine and full of expensive sofas and TV appliances that no one cared about in the end.

Isak took a seat in the sofa as Even had opted for the arm chair and now both of them sat in silence waiting for the other to start talking. Isak felt thankful when Even spoke.

“So about yesterday,” he started. “It was…”

Stupid? A mistake? Nothing?

Isak was waiting for Even to continue with a beating heart but Even seemed to be struggling to put his thoughts into words just as much as Isak.

“I know we were both drunk, and that it wouldn’t have happened otherwise…” Even started and Isak swallowed against the lump in his throat.

“Do you regret it?” he asked timidly and braved himself to meet Even’s eyes.

Even hurried to shake his head.

“No,” he said instantly. “I never regret being with you. I don’t want you to believe that.” he said slowly.

 “You don’t regret it?” Isak asked suspiciously.

Even shook his head.

“I mean it was probably a bad idea in the first place to come to you but the boys convinced be it be okay and I thought it would be okay. But I couldn’t take my eyes if off you for the whole night and then I got really drunk and well… you know. But I don’t regret being with you. “

 “It felt like you did when you just left though,” Isak commented and looked at Even.

Even’s face faltered slightly.

“Yeah I’m sorry, I panicked and I left which I shouldn’t have. Elias and Mutta called me to get my shit together but I swear I was going to call you anyway. I just needed some time to think.”

Even was looking at him the whole time and Isak recognised the look on Even’s face as truly sincere.

Isak nodded slightly and bit his lip.

“I don’t regret it either,” he said. “But I don’t think it should happen again.”

He felt proud of himself for saying it so causally but he knew it was true. They couldn’t let it happen again. Even was still Isak’s weakness and it had turned out how easy Isak would just give up on all of his progress in a heartbeat for a small, indefinite moment with Even.

Even nodded, smiling slightly.

“So what now?” he asked. “Friends?”

Isak shook his head.

“I don’t think I can be just your friend, Even” he said sadly. “At least not right now. I mean you were my best friend when we were together but we were never just friends and I don’t think we can be right now.”

Even gave a small, unhappy nod but Isak stood his ground.

“I’m not there yet,” he said tiredly. “When you broke up with me it destroyed me. It was my deepest fear coming to life and-“

“I never-“ Even interrupted but Isak stood didn’t let him continue.

He needed to say this now or he might never have the courage.

“Just let me finish?” He asked and Even nodded.

“It was my greatest fear coming to life. I was just waiting for that day to happen honestly because I never felt like I was good enough. But when you actually left it felt like I was going to die and I had no idea how to move on without you. It took me so long to go back to some sort of normal where I ate and slept properly and even now I still have nights were all I do is lie in bed and ask myself what I could have done differently so that you wouldn’t leave me.”

Even kept biting his lip as he listened but this time around he didn’t try to interrupt so Isak continued.

“I’ve spent so many hours thinking about the mistakes _I_ did and even though Jonas and Eskild and the boys have told me so many times that I’m good enough and that I’m a good person I still struggle to believe it and up until recently all I could think about was how _I_ screwed up and caused you to leave me and I’m not saying I didn’t make mistakes because I did, lots of them but I mean… Why didn’t you fight harder? If you loved me why didn’t you give me another chance? Why didn’t you try to talk to me? Why didn’t you ask me what was wrong or even consider my feelings or the reasons why I acted the way I did?”

He looked up at Even who looked slightly shocked at Isak’s outburst and he looked away for a little while. When he turned his eyes back to Isak’s he looked slightly sad.

“I don’t know, Isak” he said. “We were doing so well and then suddenly over summer you started acting more jealous I guess. At first it was only small things and I didn’t really mind it but then when it got worse I just felt trapped. I was just really excited about my new co-workers and that I finally felt like I was going somewhere in my life. I was one year behind everyone but then it felt like I had cached up so of course I wanted to meet new people. You kept saying you would change but it felt like I could do nothing right without you being jealous. I never flirted with Isabell and there was never anything going on between us. We were just friends but no matter how many times I told you that and tried to reassure you that I loved you, it only got worse with time. Suddenly it wasn’t just Isabell, it was everyone I ever interacted with. It’s like you tried to find things to be jealous about.”

“That’s not true.” Isak said defensively.

“Maybe not but it made me feel trapped and like you tried to control me and who I could see and I knew you weren’t feeling well but it’s not like you ever talked to me either and in the end I just felt like we were both miserable”

“I felt stupid,” Isak mumbled. “I felt stupid for feeling the way I did and I tried so hard to be better. I tried so hard to let you be you but all I could ever think about was how much better than me all those new people you met were. It felt like I had nothing compared to them and I couldn’t understand what you ever saw in me in the first place. I know you kept saying that you loved me so I tried to believe it but the harder I tried the more I felt like I was losing you and it was like you never even stopped to think about how it made me feel. You talked about Isabell all the time despite the fact that you knew that I felt insecure about her and when we were supposed to have time together you kept texting her. I haven’t really thought about it until now but how did you expect it to make me feel?”

“I’m sorry, Isak” Even said quietly.

“I mean looking at it now it was probably for the best anyway but I just can’t help feeling like you didn’t love me enough to work through it because I believe we could have with just a bit of time. It’s like you didn’t believe in us enough.”

“I did love you, and I did believe in us but I could see how sad and miserable you were and It was me who caused it. At the same time I felt miserable too. And I just wanted to make the right decision for us. I didn’t want it to become like with me and Sonja where we just stayed because it was safe when we both knew we’d only fight harder and more often.  I know that I hurt you and I know that I could have done things differently and that I ultimately left you when you were at your lowest but I never meant to hurt you and I meant every word I said to you. You are amazing, Isak.”

Isak closed his eyes for a moment, trying not to cry. It made sense what, Even said, Isak guessed. And it felt good that they finally had talked without shouting but it felt bittersweet.

“I still miss you, however stupid it might be after all this time. And I still love you.” He said, voice trembling slightly.

“I miss you too,” Even said. “And seeing you yesterday only made me realise how much I still miss you and that I probably still love you too.”

Isak nodded, feeling overwhelmed with emotions.

“I’m really sorry I hurt you,” Even repeated. “Maybe we could…I could have done things differently but…”

“…Here we are.” Isak finished with an unhappy smile.

“Yeah,” Even said.

They both fell quiet and Isak found himself playing with the hem of his sleeve. Even was the one who broke the silence.

“I hope we can be friends someday. I miss having you in my life.”

Isak looked up.

“Yeah me too,” he said. “I don’t want you to be a stranger either, and I don’t want things to be weird and awkward between us.”

Even followed him to the door only ten minutes later. He lent against the wall as Isak put on his shoes, jacket and hat.  Then he took a step forward and gave Isak a quick hug.

“Bye, Isak” he said. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you liked it. If you did please let me know :) Hopefully it gave a small insight to Even's head :) more will come though! 
> 
> I will go through the chapter once more when I have time and correct it if there are some mistakes. But I don't want you to have to wait any longer and I won't be able to update tomorrow.


	10. Nobody's home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak tries to reflect on his and Even's talk but when something else happens, that really doesn't matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late. I had hoped to post earlier in the week but school was crazy so I didn't have the time :/ Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments on last chapter. I love hearing your opinions even if they sometimes surprise me. I had thoguht that Even would redeem himself slightly in last chapter but some of you got even madder with him. Hehe, I love it though! 
> 
> This chapter has no Even in it but it is still important I think and quite eventful. Isak has some time to reflect but then something else happens that shakes is foundation. I'm not sure a warning is necessary but I'll but one in the end notes :) just to be on the safe side. 
> 
> Hope you will like it.

A few weeks had passed since Isak’s and Even’s hook up and their subsequent talk which had left Isak more than a little confused. He had been so sure that Even had moved on but then Even had confirmed that he still missed Isak.

It was not like Isak didn’t miss Even too but for some reason he didn’t feel as excited about Even’s confession. He had worked so hard to get where he was today and he didn’t want Even to ruin that despite the love he still had for the other boy. He wanted to love himself and he wanted to be okay with being on his own. It had taken him so long to even get where he was and if it wasn’t for his friend constantly reminding him of his own worth he would probably still not be here. But he was and he realised that he could live without Even and still be happy.

He hadn’t planned on telling Even everything he had been thinking about recently but then things had kind of poured out of him and he ended up telling Even all of his frustration surrounding their break up.

At first he had blamed himself for everything that went wrong but slowly he had started to realise that Even was to blame too. He could not have blamed Even for falling out of love with him but as that didn’t seem to be the case it did hurt him that Even wasn’t willing to fight more for them and for him. That he wasn’t willing to give Isak another chance. That he gave up and bailed as soon as things got though for them.

If he still loved Isak like he claimed why didn’t he want to fight? Why did he have to leave Isak for them to be happy or for Isak to work on his insecurity? Why couldn’t Even have helped him with that?  After all Even had been the person who made him feel safe and happy and like he finally had a place somewhere.

But Even hadn’t been prepared to stay for whatever reason and even if Isak felt better now and knew it was probably a good thing they weren’t together at the moment, the break-up had still made him feel like utter crap and it pissed him off that Even could leave so easily as if their love meant nothing in the end.

To be honest their talk had left Isak a mess of emotions. He hadn’t talked to Even since he left other than a text that Even had sent once Isak had gotten home, thanking Isak for their talk and hoping they could talk again soon.

 It seemed that Even was willing to be friends again but like Isak had told Even he didn’t think he was ready for that yet.

“Does that make me a bad person?” he asked and looked at Sana who sat on the other side of the table with her lap top and signature green tea.

“Why would it make you a bad person?” she asked.

Isak shrugged.

“I just feel like maybe I’m too harsh. That we should try to be friends because I think I want to someday but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.”

“Then you are not too harsh, Isak,” Sana said gently and gave him one of her dimpled smiles. “You need to look out for yourself,” she added.

Isak nodded hesitantly.

Almost all of his friends had managed to comment his and Even’s hook up in one way or another. Jonas and Eva had shown their support and while Magnus and been ecstatic at first, he too had shown his support when Isak told him it really didn’t mean anything for them. Eskild had barely managed to hide his disapproval and hardly been impressed about their rebound once he got back from his family. Isak knew Eskild wanted what was best for him but sometimes he could be a bit overbearing with his advice.

Sana had been the calmest about it probably. She knew of course because everyone did but she hadn’t asked about it or pressured Isak to confess why he did such a stupid thing.

He found talking about it with her the most soothing. Normally he would go to Jonas or Eskild with his problems but by now they almost felt too involved and Isak found himself wanting someone who would be able to look at things more objectively.

“I feel so torn though. I wished we could be friends or get together again in the future but I’m also sacred that we will end up the same again. I mean no matter how much I change it doesn’t matter if he won’t do it too.”

Sana smiled softly and Isak frowned.

“Why are you smirking?” He asked.

Sana rolled her eyes.

“I’m not smirking. I’m smiling at you because I like that you are not only recognising your own mistakes but Even’s too. That he is responsible too.”

“Yeah, it only took me five months,” Isak muttered.

“Yeah but the way you always think everything is your fault I think five months is a good number,” Sana joked. 

“I don’t always blame myself,” He tried but Sana shook her head.

“Yeah you do,” She said. “But I think it’s getting better.”

Isak found himself nodding. He guessed she was right.

“Let’s talk about something more fun,” He said. “Have you figured out where you are going to apply for university?”

Isak hadn’t thought that much about university over the last six months but he had been studying hard to be able to apply anywhere he wanted and now when things had calmed down more in life he had started to think more about it.  He wanted to be a doctor one day, just like Sana but he doubted that his grades where good enough to get into the best universities. Ultimately he had wanted to go to university in Oslo for obvious reasons. But now he wasn’t so sure anymore. Oslo was still high on his list because that meant that he could stay with Eskild for a year or so but Bergen or Trondheim sounded more and more attractive. He already knew that Jonas would probably not be in Oslo next year because he wanted to take a year abroad to work and meet new people and figure out what he wanted to do in life and if he knew his best friend it would end up with a backpacking trip across Asia or a surfing trip to Australia or something equally adventurous.

“I want to stay in Oslo,” Sana confirmed. “I’m going to apply to university here so that I can live at home and save some money. At least the first year. How about you?”

Isak nodded. Sana had always been set on her goals so he had no doubts she would succeed.

“I was going to apply for Oslo the whole time but now I don’t know. I keep thinking that maybe I should move somewhere else. I mean I can go to university in Bergen or Trondheim.”

Sana nodded.

“It would be so amazing if we were in the same class though,” she said and Isak nodded.

“Keeping the best bud-legacy,” He smirked. “We would be the best students in class.”

Sana frowned.

“I would be the best student,” she said. “You’d be second though.”

Isak snorted loudly.

“We’ll have to see about that.” he said.

 

A week later Isak was resting his head in his hands in exhaustion during lunch. His mother had sent him a lot of texts during the last few days and he hadn’t gotten much sleep over his worries for her. He knew he should probably do more for her but getting those text made him feel all those things he had felt little over a year ago were he would lie restless at night as his phone continued to vibrate constantly for almost an hour. It made him feel weak and scared and lonely and even if his dad was more involved, Isak still felt alone in this. Technically his mother had the support he needed from the people who supported her but he couldn’t help but feel worried and anxious.

The boys noticed of course and at first Isak had just shrugged them off when they asked if anything was wrong but then Jonas had pulled him to the side and begged him to talk so Isak had told him that he as getting texts again.

“I should do something,” Isak whispered guiltily. “I should be doing more for her.”

Jonas shook his head.

“Isak… you don’t have to do anything. It’s not your responsibility. There are people looking after her almost every day and they will let your dad know if anything is bad. You don’t have to do anything.”

“I just have this weird feeling in my stomach,” Isak mumbled. “Like things are going to go bad again. Like it did first year… I can’t go through that again. I really, really can’t.”

He looked up at his best friend with tears in his eyes.

“What if she gets that bad again?” he stuttered.

“It’s going to be okay, Isak.” Jonas said gently. “She has the help she needs now and we will handle things if they happen but right now there is not much you can do that is going to be of much help.”

Isak knew his best friend was right but he still couldn’t get rid of the sick feeling in his stomach. He barely ate his lunch and picked at dinner Eskild cooked for him. He just knew that something was wrong. More wrong than it used to be. In these moments he missed Even a lot. Even always provided support when it came to his mom and was always there if Isak needed someone to talk to.

He tried to push the thoughts into the back of his head as he took the chemistry test he and Sana had studied for so long. He had barely slept at all the night before and felt both exhausted and nervy all at once.  He couldn’t get rid of his anxiety and all the questions he knew the answer to a couple of days ago didn’t make any sense at all and he was pretty sure he had screwed up any chances of getting a six. Probably even a five but right now all he cared about was getting out of the classroom so he could make sure that everything was alright.

As soon as he was done with all the questions he handed in his test without looking it through and hurried to collect his things. When he turned on his phone outside of his classroom he had three missed calls from his dad and a bunch of texts telling him to call back asap.

Isak heart was beating frantically and his hands and fingers shook so badly he could barely manage to call his dad back. He could feel tears prickle his eyes as he waited for his dad to pick up. Eventually he could hear his dad’s voice on the other end.

“Hey, Isak,” he said calmly but it did little to actually calm Isak down.

Instead it made him feel more panicky.

“What happened?” he asked frantically, voice high and pitchy.

His dad sighed.

“You know she’s been unstable for a little while,” he started. “And I got some phone calls from her carers but everything was okay and under control until this morning.”

Isak blinked as a few other student passed the corridor and leaned heavily against the wall. Even his legs where trembling at this point.

“This morning when they got there she had destroyed the kitchen again and she had scratched herself and she was screaming and they tried to calm her down a bit and apparently they succeeded for a bit and offered to take her to the hospital but she refused.”

“Okay,” Isak breathed. “Then what?”

“Then she got upset again and they felt like she might hurt herself and that she needed to go to the hospital so they had to call the police to let them escort her since she was so bad.”

By the time his dad was finished, Isak was full on crying. He should have done something sooner. He should have taken her texts more seriously. If only he hadn’t been so caught up with his own stupid things.

“Isak, buddy. It’s going to be alright,” his dad tried but Isak couldn’t hear him properly.

“She is in the hospital now and they are taking care of her but it is probably better if you come and visit another day because… well she is not good.” his dad said in a too calm manner.

Isak couldn’t bear to hear any more so he hung up the phone with shaky hands and struggled to put it back into his pocket.

People were starting to fill the corridor and Isak found himself struggling for air as the narrow hallway felt more and more suffocating. He pushed himself off the wall and stumbled through the corridor towards the exit. He knew people were staring at him but he could barely register their faces as all of them seemed kind of blurry.

Suddenly someone was standing in front of him and as he struggled to recognize the face through his tears and panic, the person spoke.

Isak’s ears were ringing but he could recognise that the voice belonged to Noora and when he blinked her face became clearer. She looked worried.

“What’s wrong?” she said and tried to grab his arm.

Isak yanked his arm free and ignored her calls after him as he continued down the corridor and made his way down the stairs on shaky legs. He was half way down when he missed a step which almost had him tumble down the rest of them but strong hands grabbed his arms firmly in the last moment and saved him from crashing down on the hard floor.

The hands didn’t let go of his arms as they guided him down the rest of the stairs and to the main floor. Isak felt himself shaking the whole time and the incident had done nothing to calm him down. I it seemed to overwhelm him completely and his found his breathing pick up and his vision starting to grey out around the edges.

Then he was suddenly sitting down with his head pressed against his knees by the same arms and this time the person spoke but Isak wasn’t sure it was even directed at him. It was a man’s voice. Probably one of the teachers because it did not belong to any person Isak knew and it seemed far more demanding than any student would be and Isak could feel the space around him suddenly feel more breathable and his vision wasn’t clouded over any longer.  He looked up and saw that the person next to him was indeed one of the English teachers. Isak didn’t remember his name.

He smiled gently at Isak and Isak noted that the space around the stairs and the floor around them had been cleared but that several students stood a few meters away and watched him with big eyes. Well that was embarrassing.

“Do you think you can make it do the nurse?” The English teacher said and Isak shook his head.

 “I’m fine,” He manged to stutter.

It was a lie of course. He wasn’t fine because his mother wasn’t fine and it felt like it was his fault.

The English teacher frowned deeply and gave Isak a concerned look.

Then they were interrupted by a familiar voice and suddenly Jonas crouch in front of him.

“What happened?” he asked and looked at Isak with worried eyes. “Noora said she ran into you and that something had happened.”

Isak felt tears in his eyes again.

“My mom is in hospital,” he whispered. “She’s really bad.”

That was all Jonas needed to hear to wrap Isak into a hug and Isak sank into his friends arms thankfully. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a rather eventful chapter. I'm slightly scared but don't worry it will be okay. I promise. Even will be in te next chapter and might possibly provide some comfort for Isak. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments :) 
> 
> Please know that I'm in no way an expert on mental illness. However, I do work at a home for people with, for instance, schizofrenia and I will use my experience from work when portraying Marianne. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for talk about mental illness/psychosis and for anxiety/panic attack.


	11. Keeping Your Head Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak tries to cope after the bad news. His friends are worried. He braves himself and calls Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It feels like it was ages ago since I updated but it has not even been a week yet. Haha. Been superbusy so that might be it. Anyway here is the next chapter which is basically the aftermath of Marianne's bad episode. 
> 
> Even will be a huge part of this chapter and I'm really happy with the way it turned out. I actually changed a major part of it in the last minute but I'm very happy with the result. Hopefully you will be aswell. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos. It means the world to me :)

“Are you okay?”

Isak nodded slowly.

“You’ve been so quiet,” Jonas commented. “Since we got home from the hospital.”

Isak bit his lip. Once he had calmed down enough, Jonas had taken him home and he had stayed home the next day too. It wasn’t like him but he felt drained and couldn’t muster enough energy to face school. He really didn’t feel like facing everyone after his meltdown yesterday because people would probably think he was a freak. He had spent the day googling instead and preparing for seeing his mom, determined to see her despite what his dad said. He knew his dad only wanted to protect him but he felt guilty for leaving his mother two years ago so he wasn’t going to do it again.

He had called the psychiatric ward she was at and they had said he was welcome to visit but that his mother was psychotic with all that it meant. So Isak had googled about all the symptoms and tried to prepare himself like he always did. Still nothing could probably prepare him for seeing his mother like that. His own mother locked up in a ward where people sat rocking in chairs, kept walking back and forth endlessly through the common room, or kept talking to themselves and looking around the room for things that wasn’t there. His mother was not any better. She just sat in an armchair, eyes empty and hair wild. Her skin was pale and she had scratches covering her arms, neck and face, angry and itchy. Scratches she had inflicted on herself.

He had tried to talk to her, but she had hardly noticed him being there at all. And when she had started yelling again he had flinched away and scrambled to get up from the chair he was sitting on. One of the carers had led them out again and gently told Isak that things were going to be better soon and that he could come back another day.

“It’s okay,” He had said to a teary eyed Isak who had only managed to nod.

Jonas had kept his hand on Isak’s back all the way through the hospital corridors and down to the tram stop. Now here they were a few hours later, currently sitting in the living room of Kollektivet. Isak lounged on the sofa, restlessly fiddling with a pen. Jonas sat in the armchair, trying to get him to talk. Isak didn’t feel like talking right now though. Not even to Jonas.

“I’m okay,” he said. “I’ll be fine.”

Jonas nodded but Isak could tell his friend didn’t believe him.

“I just need to be alone right now,” Isak said. “But I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Jonas nodded again, clearly a bit unhappy but he didn’t push. Instead he got up from the chair and collected his things.

“You’ll call me though? If you need anything?” He asked as they stood in front of the door, Jonas with his clothes on and Isak leaning against the wall, ready to say good bye to his friend.

“Yeah, thanks,” Isak said.

Once Jonas was gone, Isak locked himself into his room. It was only a matter of time before Eskild would be home and Isak couldn’t stand him either at the moment. He felt so overwhelmed and stressed out and while Eskild and Jonas always provided good help, Isak didn’t want to talk to either of them. He just wanted to hid and forget just like he used to do.  

He really tried to focus the next few days but his mind always seemed to be on his mother. His dad updated him with what the hospital had told him and little seemed to change with her. By the looks of it she would have to stay in there for a while. The stress took a toll on his fragile sleeping routine and he once again found himself not getting more sleep than a few hours a night.

At first he could manage okay but then it became increasingly harder to concentrate in school and he knew his grades would be suffering if he didn’t shape up which ended up with him feeling more and more stressed and it got even harder to fall asleep. When it had been over a week Isak felt desperate. He had tried to exhaust himself but going to the gym later in the evening or go for a long run. He had tried not to drink anything with caffeine after three in the afternoon and had even tried to drink that awful tea Even had bought him but nothing helped.

He could tell that his friends were starting to worry even more about him. He ignored their attempts at deeper conversations and snapped them off when they suggested he should go to the nurse again. He zoned out for the major of their conversations all together and just focused on getting by, day by day, hour by hour. Jonas frowned whenever Isak snapped and Eskild always lingered outside his bedroom, trying to coax Isak out for longer periods than to eat dinner and use the bathroom.  Isak knew that he needed to get himself together before they interfered even more. In a worst case scenario that would mean Jonas reaching out to Isak’s dad and that would never end well. A slightly better option would be Jonas and Eskild forcing him to see someone to talk and although it was better option than having his dad knowing how much he was struggling, Isak did not want to see someone professional. They’d only make him dig into his deeply rooted issues and Isak didn’t have the time or energy for that.

“Please just consider it, “ Eskild pleaded when he and Isak was alone in the kitchen and Isak was picking at the pasta he had cooked for himself. “You don’t sleep and I’m getting really worried about you. It’s almost worse to what it was last year. It’s not healthy.”

“I’m trying, okay, stop nagging me about it all the time,” Isak snapped, watching Eskild’s frown deepen even more.

Before Eskild had time to say something else, Isak stood up, threw away the rest of his pasta in to the bin and put his on washed bowl into the sink. Then he made his way into his room again. It was only a little after seven but Isak knew it was going to be another sleepless night.

Hours later he was still awake. For the past few hours he had kept tossing and turning restlessly. His mind was racing with anxious thoughts and no matter how hard he tried to relax he just couldn’t do it. With a frustrated sigh he reached for his phone. He hadn’t checked it in a while but last time he had checked it had been almost 1 am and it felt like ages ago. The light hurt his eyes slightly and he squinted to be able to read the digits. 2.37 am they read and Isak sighed again, and shut his eyes harshly. His leg twitched slightly in exhaustion. All Isak wanted to do was sleep and right now he hated his brain for always overthinking. The more he tried to relax and think of nothing, the more he thought about his mom and how she was doing and how he was going to fail all his classes because he couldn’t concentrate in them because he was so fucking tired all the time and in addition his friends were now worrying about him even more . There was really only one person he wanted in this moment.

Even had made him sleep better than anyone ever had been able to. On times when Isak had struggled he had held Isak during night or let Isak lie close with his nose pressed to Even’s back. Even had stayed up with him many times, letting Isak rest is head on his chest while soothingly stroke Isak’s back until Isak finally fell asleep. Some nights they had just talked about anything and everything, from the things that bothered Isak to what they were going to eat for dinner the following night. All those little things had helped Isak so much and now he found himself wishing he could have it back. If just for this night. Even if Jonas and Eskild was the most important people in his life at the moment they couldn’t replace what Even had provided Isak on the nights where he just couldn’t sleep.

He didn’t know what made him do it but he reached for his phone again and scrolled through his contacts until he found Even’s name. With little hesitation he pressed call and put the phone to his ear tiredly. He was pretty sure Even wouldn’t answer anyway because the other boy was probably asleep but he just had to try.

“Uh, hello?”

Even’s voice was tired and confused and Isak instantly felt a mixture of relief at hearing Even’s voice and guilt for waking him up.

For a few seconds he didn’t say anything at all.

“Isak? Are you there? Is everything okay?”

Now Even sounded slightly more awake but also worried which wasn’t that surprising since Isak was calling in the middle of the night after they hadn’t talked for nearly a month.

“I can’t sleep,” Isak whispered frailly.

Even exhaled in relief and Isak could hear him sigh on the other end.

“Okay,” Even said calmly. “Okay, tell me what’s on your mind.”

Isak swallowed and rubbed his face. He shouldn’t have called Even because now Even was awake with him and he could hear how tired Even sounded.

“I’m sorry I called you,” Isak said instead of answering Even’s question. “I’m sorry I woke you up. We can hung up now. I know I said I needed space so I’m sorry for calling-“

“Isak,” Even interrupted calmly. “It’s okay. Just tell me what’s on your mind and we will sort it out. Together.”

Isak took a couple of breaths in an attempt to calm down. He could hear Even’s even breaths on the other end and it calmed him down enough to continue.

“My mom,” he said quietly. “She’s really bad again and it feels like it’s my fault.”

“It’s not, Isak, but tell me what happened.” Even said softly and Isak pressed the phone closer to his ear.

Then he told Even what had happened during the last few days and how his mother and gotten increasingly worse without Isak doing anything about it and how she had ended up with the police escorting her to the hospital. Finally he told Even about his awful visit to the psychiatric ward.

“It was horrible, she didn’t even notice me being there,” he whispered weakly.

“I’m sorry, Isak,” Even answered.

“I can’t sleep. There’s just so many things going on right now. Mum is bad and I fucked up my exam and I’m exhausted all the time so I’m going to fuck up everything else to which makes me even more stressed out. I’ve tried everything, even that tea you bought me once but I just can’t fall asleep.”.” Isak whimpered. “I know we are not together anymore and that I said I needed space but you always managed to help me through it when it got bad…”

Even was quiet on the other end and for a second Isak thought that maybe Even had hung up on him or fallen asleep himself but then Even cleared his throat.

“We can fix that, Isak. Just like we used to do. Just tell me what can I do for you” Even said and Isak felt his eyes tear up.

“Just talk to me,” He whispered. “Tell me about your day or something.”

So Even did. He told Isak about his day at work, apparently he had stopped working at the bar and worked at kaffebrenneriet again. He talked about his new short film he wanted to do, and about his aunt who was currently on a trip through Africa. He told Isak about how is mother had gotten promoted at work. Even kept talking to Isak with the same calm, soothing voice and he never stopped. Eventually Isak found himself starting to drift to sleep as his body relaxed and his thought started to calm down. Even continued to talk to him despite Isak’s lack of answers and eventually Isak had fallen asleep.

He was still exhausted when he woke up in the morning but at least it was Friday and he would not have to worry about school the following day which was a relief. He didn’t know if he could handle another day with waking up early. He could vaguely remember calling Even in the middle of the night and new he should probably sent Even a text to apologise for waking Even up so sent a text while he made himself some breakfast.

**I’m sorry about yesterday.**

**Didn’t mean to wake you up**

**I just couldn’t sleep so thanks**

**for talking to me.**

It was probably too weird and formal but he didn’t want to dwell too much so he hit send before he could change is mind. Even was not likely to answer anyway.

 

Jonas and the boys greeted him with the same looks of concerns when he met up with them in school. He knew he still looked horrible but he shrugged them off and didn’t mention his talk to Even to either of them.

 

The day went okay despite his lack of sleep and when he was finally on his way home he felt relieved. He was going to spend the whole weekend sleeping. He didn’t even have homework for a change and if he was lucky Eskild would be going out tonight which would mean he would have the apartment for himself. Well, Linn would be there of course but she never forced him to hang out with him when didn’t really feel like it.

 

Isak kicked off his shoes and took off his jacked and scarf and through himself on the sofa happily. He was just about curl up on it with a blanket when his phone peeped in his pocked. He sighed as he reached for it, thinking it was probably going to be Magnus trying to persuade him to go out with them tonight despite his protests earlier in the day. To his surprise it was not Magnus, not even Jonas or his dad. It was Even.

 

**Don’t apologise**

**I’m glad if I could help**

**Hope everything is okay**

**With you and your mom**

**Text me if you want to :)**

 

Isak smiled slightly as he read the message a few times. Without hesitation he wrote a quick reply.

**She’s not really doing well**

**but she will get there.**

**Thank you again :)**

 

It didn’t take long before a new text from Even came in.

 

**How are you?**

Isak hesitated for a bit and reread the simple sentence a few times before answering.

 

**Really stressed out**

**and tired but I’ll be ok.**

**Don’t worry :)**

Once again Even replied almost instantly.

**I’ll always worry about you.**

Isak bit his lip and closed his eyes but then another text emerged on the screen.

 

**I really mean it, Isak.**

**I always care about you**

**And whenever you need me**

**I want to be there for you**

Isak frowned slightly while he read the text. Even’s words felt warm and comforting but while they tugged at his heart, they also left him feeling something else and he couldn’t quite pinpoint the feeling.  He appreciated Even being there for him last night and he appreciated them texting to each other but now that Even was so open and honest it almost felt like it was too much.

 

The truth was that Isak was scared. Scared that they were rushing back into things without him being ready. That Even would continue to be his loving self and that Isak would fall right back into it. He knew he loved Even with all his heart. Even had said that he probably still loved Isak too. To Isak, the probably had seemed like a safety blanket more than anything else. As if Even was scared too. It sucked.

 

It sucked that they both seemingly wanted each other but that neither one of them was ready to be together.

 

The minutes trickled by as he tried to come up with something to say. Something that matched Even’s words but without indicating that they were taking too many steps forward.

 

**Thank you, Even.**

**I want to be there for you too.**

 

Isak ended up giving in and calling Even again that night. This time he gave up after only a couple of hours and it is half past midnight when he breathlessly waits for Even to pick up. It’s a Friday night and he feels stupid. What happened yesterday should have in a one-time only. He would give in to his needs for Even just that once and then never again. But Isak still needed to sleep and sleep still didn’t just come to him. So he was still calling and on the fourth ring Even picked up.

 

“Hi, Isak!”

 

Even was much more awake this time and there was lots of noise in the background; music and people talking. Isak recognised Elias’ voice.

 

“Hey,” Isak breathed. “Sorry.”

 

Because he shouldn’t be doing this.

 

“Give me a moment to get my coat,” Even said, ignoring Isak’s apology all together. “I was about to leave.”

 

Isak waited quietly, curling himself into a ball under his fluffy duvet as he heard Even zip his coat and say goodbye to all his friends.

 

“I’m outside,” Even said softly. “What’s on your mind?”

 

“Everything,” Isak whispered. “I can’t sleep. I’m sorry for calling you again.”

 

“Don’t say that. I meant what I said in the text.” Even answered.

 

Isak sighed.

 

“Okay,” he mumbled, taking a breath and rubbing at his eyes tiredly.

 

“Okay,” Even confirmed. “What can I do?”

 

“Just talk to me, tell me about your night.”

 

So Even did. As he walked home he told Isak about his night with the boys. How they had just had a chill night with pizza and movies. Isak listened quietly, hearing Even walk hurriedly through the Oslo night. Somewhere far away, Isak could hear sirens through the phone. Otherwise, all he couldn’t hear is Even’s voice and that is all he needed at the moment.

 

Isak called again the next night and then the next and soon it had become an nightly occurrence.  Isak would call whenever he was ready for bed  and Even picked up every time just for Isak to listen to Even tell him about his day. Even would talk about his day and they would talk about casual everyday things until Isak was tired and the restlessness gone. Sometimes Even well a sleep first but then Isak got to listen to Even’s heartbeat’s until he fell asleep himself.

 

Slowly but surely Isak was being able to sleep again and the extra hours of sleep every night made it possible for him to concentrate in school and actually be friendly towards his friends.

 

“You look much better,” Jonas commented when the two of them met up after school one day to have their usual Kebab.

 

Over the last few days Isak had noticed a change in his friend’s behaviour around him. Their frowns weren’t as deep and once he had stopped snapping at them any chance he got and instead gotten back to his normal self that loved to drag Magnus, all of them had joined his laughs in relief. 

 

Isak nodded. He still hadn’t mentioned that he and Even were talking and it made him feel guilty for not telling his best friend. Jonas studied him carefully.

 

“I’ve been talking to Even,” Isak said and gave Jonas an uncertain smile.

 

Jonas looked slightly surprised but nodded for Isak to continue so Isak did.

 

“I just couldn’t sleep and it had been days so I was exhausted and desperate you were all getting worried and all I could think of was calling him because he used to be able to make it easier for me to sleep when we were together.”

 

Jonas nodded.

 

“We talked for a bit, or he talked and managed to make me relax enough to fall asleep. We’ve been talking a few times since then. Just to talk before bed and it has helped me a lot. I mean we are not getting back together or anything. I don’t even know if we are friends but we never really talk besides that and never really about deep stuff…”

 

His voice died out and he shrugged.

 

“What are you worried about?” Jonas asked.

 

“I don’t know,” Isak said honestly. “Nothing I guess. But at the same time I’m scared that we are not ready. I mean with Even everything is just so natural. After all this time we still have these moments when everything makes so much sense. It took us like five seconds to get together the first time around and I’m scared that it will happen again and that when it happens I won’t be ready and things will get bad again and that Even will leave me again because we will have the same problems. Besides with all going on with my mom I don’t really have the time to think about that right now.”

 

Jonas was quiet for a few moments.

 

“Do want to know what I think?” he asked and watched Isak’s reaction carefully.

 

Isak nodded quietly.

 

“Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that you and Even are talking especially if it helps you feel better. Even if it’s just phone calls for now and if it makes you feel better than I think you shouldn’t think so much about it. Just take it like one day at the time and see what happens. Whatever happens we’ll be here for you.”

 

Isak nodded again as Jonas continued.  

 

“I get that you are scared, it it’s completely understandable but I’m not worried about that. You have come such a long way and have no doubts that you are strong enough. But unless you are ready there doesn’t have to be anything else right now. You have not made any promises to Even alright. You asked him for time and he has been giving it to you. I think that shows that he is prepared to wait for you if that’s what you want. When you are ready you are definitely going to have to talk to him again but just take your time.”  

 

It felt like Jonas was always right when it came to him. He knew what to say to calm Isak down and he knew what to say to make Isak not feel terrified. Isak was going to take his time, but one day he would be brave enough to talk to Even again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Please let me know your opinion :) 
> 
> I know many of you are quite unhappy with Even in this fic which is understandable. I just hope that I'll manage to convince you that he can redeem himself if that's what you want to call it ;) here he provides support to Isak but soley on Isak's turn and we will see him take more steps in the next few chapters. He knows what he wants now and he will try to show Isak. We will have to wait and see Isak's reaction but I'll try to make it as realstic as possible with regards to the progress Isak has had.


	12. Don't dream it's over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even knows what he wants and they talk. There is some carrot cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and happy boxing day! 
> 
> This chapter was a though one to write. Not because it is particularly sad or anything but I struggled to but the words together. As we are nearing the end I struggle a bit with tying everything together and making everyone happy which I know is impossible. Haha. 
> 
> The feedback on last chapter was amazing so thank you so so much for that :) hopefully you will like this chapter as well. I didn't have time to read it through (I didn't take the time) sufficently but I'll do it in a day or so. So bear with me if there are many mistakes. Haha.

Things started to look up for Isak a few months later. He and Even continued to keep in touch even after Isak’s battle with insomnia.. They texted a few times a week and if Isak found a funny video that made him think of Even he would simply send it to Even and if Even found a new meme he would send it to Isak. They still hadn’t seen each other in person since after the New Year’s Eve Party but it worked for them. It was like the both of them was happy with this set up.

Isak sent in his applications for university and decided to put Oslo as his first hand choice. It made the most sense because he already had somewhere to live. If he didn’t get in Bergen or Trondheim would be good options as well. Sana had also applied for Oslo but while Isak had put both Bergen and Trondheim as second and third options, Sana was adamant about going to Oslo. Isak admired her determination.

Magnus was going to take a gap year and Mahdi seemed to be contemplating doing the same. Isak already knew Jonas was going to be away from Oslo next year but it still made him feel a bit sad. He had Jonas had been best friends since they were five and he had no doubt Jonas would remain in his life after. With Mahdi and Magnus it was a bit different.

Over the last year and a half they had all gotten so close and now that they would soon graduate, Isak was scared that they would drift apart. He hadn’t told anyone about his worries, not even Jonas. They had all been so great when he had been struggled. First before he came out and now after his break up with Even and his mother’s declining mental health. They had been there for him even though he had been an awful friend in return. Isak doubted he would ever find friends like that again.

Isak was so deep into his own thoughts he barely heard his own phone until an angry old lady gave him a grumpy look on the tram and he realised his phone was ringing and probably had been ringing for a little while. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and saw that it was Even calling him. He didn’t think about it much, as he answered.

“Hello,” He answered and grabbed hold of the pole he was standing next to keep his balance as the tram stopped.

The line was quiet for a while.

“Even?” Isak tried again as he could hear Even breathing on the other end.

“Hey,” Even finally answered but then he didn’t say anything else and Isak felt his heart beat faster.

What if Even was depressed and that was why he was calling Isak.

“Is everything alright?” Isak asked carefully and unconsciously pressed the phone closer to his ear.

There was a toddler a few seats away who kept screaming and squealing and Isak casted an irritated look in the mother’s direction. She didn’t seem to care though but just kept her nose into her own phone. There was a sigh on the other end which didn’t help with Isak’s racing heart.

“I’m…” Even started. “I really miss you,”

Isak exhaled in relief. At least Even didn’t seem to be depressed even though something was clearly bothering him.

“I miss you too,” Isak started, “Did something happen?” he continued.

“No, not really. I just miss you. I want you back in my life for real. I don’t want it to contain of phone calls and us sending memes to each other. I know maybe it’s selfish but I really, really want you back in my life. I want you as a friend or as something more, whatever you want me to be.” Even said on the other end.

Isak could hear the weakness in Even’s voice and he bit his lip.

“Hold on,” he said. “I just need to get of the tram. There’s this kid that won’t stop screaming and the mother just cares about her phone. Reminds me of why I never want to have kids.”

He vaguely heard Even chuckle on the other end over the toddlers screams as he walked past the small boy and his mother to exit the tram.

“I’m off,” he said.  “No more screaming toddlers interrupting. What were you saying?”

“I miss you,” Even repeated. “I can’t stop thinking about how much I want you in my life.”

Isak sunk down on the nearest bench and wrapped one arm around himself against the cold. He tried to come up with something to say but his mind was blank.

“Just say something?” Even pleaded and Isak closed his eyes, feeling tears burn behind his eye lids.

“I’m here,” He said. “Sorry I just… I don’t know what to say.”

“Sorry,” Even said, sounding very defeated. “If you are not ready to talk about these things I understand. I shouldn’t just have called you like this. I-“

“No,” Isak said sharply. “I mean it’s okay. I’m just. I’m on my way home and can hardly think straight but I think we should talk. I want to talk. I think it’s time for that,” he rambled.

“Okay,” Even breathed. “Let’s talk.”

“Yeah,” Isak answered.

“I work all week but maybe Sunday afternoon?” Even suggested.

Sunday was four days away but it would have to do.

“Sunday is okay,” Isak said weakly.

“Good, I’ll text you,” Even said, sounding a bit more cheerful compared to a few minutes ago.

“So I’ll see you on Sunday,” Isak said. “Bye!”

“Wait,” Even said before Isak had the time to hang up. “Thank you,” he said and Isak smiled softly even through his teary eyes.

“See you on Sunday,” he repeated.

Isak walked the rest of the way home despite it taking him almost 30 minutes. Even though it was already March the wind was still bitter and cold against his cheeks. He didn’t mind though, the walk gave him time to reflect what he had just gotten himself into. Part of him was glad that Even had taken the first step, because Isak doubted he would have found himself brave enough to do it anytime soon. The other part of him was nervous about it. They had spent a few months working around a routine that worked for them. It was neither too much nor too little. Or maybe it was too little for them, as Even had suggested but it worked and no one got hurt. Now whatever Even wanted Isak just wasn’t sure he could give. He was sacred that he still didn’t have enough to offer. He was scared that they wouldn’t work despite the work he had done to be in a better place. He was scared that Even was going to leave him again when things got though.

Sunday came way too fast for Isak’s liking. He had tried to prepare himself for seeing Even, prepared what he wanted to say, talked it through with both Jonas and Eskild and managed to convince himself that everything was going to be okay. Yet, here he sat in a small, empty café, heart pounding and stomach fluttering nervously as he grasped his coffee between both of his hands. He was a little early and in just a few minutes Even was bound to walk through the door. Isak was ready and he wasn’t. He wanted to stay and he wanted to go.

Then the door opened and Even stepped inside. The other boy looked around the small room until he spotted Isak in the far corner and he smiled happily. Isak smiled back. He watched Even order himself a coffee and also point towards a huge piece of carrot cake and the girl behind the counter nodded.

A minute later Even walked towards him, coffee in one and a plate with the carrot cake and two spoons in the other.

“Hi,” he said as he sat down at the table. “I bought this,” he continued as he placed the plate on the table and handed Isak one of the spoons.

Isak smiled.

“Looks great,” he said.

“So how have you been?” Even said slowly as he took a piece of the cake with his fingers and put it into his mouth, his eyes never leaving Isak’s.

“I’m okay,” Isak said honestly. “Better than before,” he added as Even nodded.

“That’s good,” the other boy said.

For a minute neither of them said anything. Isak took another sip of his coffee and Even continued to nibble at the carrot cake without looking at Isak. When he looked up he looked serious and slightly sad.

“I want you back,” he said and Isak swallowed thickly, taken aback by the bluntness of Even’s confession. 

“I miss you every day and I want you back in my life.” Even continued, looking straight into Isak’s eyes the whole time.

“I know I’ve hurt you and I’m so, so sorry for that. When we broke up I kind of thought it was for the best. We were fighting and you were sad all the time and I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle how you reacted whenever I talked about my new friends and I was just so excited about all these knew things in my life that it hurt a lot when you responded in the way you did. To me it felt like you were trying to control me and it made me feel trapped. You made me feel guilty when in my mind I hadn’t done anything wrong. You kept saying how you were going to change but you never really did and in the end I was just tired of it all. We were going downhill so fast and it scared me so I did what I thought was for the best and I broke up with you.”

Isak felt like he was broken up with all over again and had to fight hard to not break down in tears.

“I was convinced that it was the best for both of us but mostly for me. I was convinced that I was being rational by taking a step back before things got really bad. I was convinced that I was doing the right thing for me and for you as well. But Isak, walking away from you that night was the most difficult thing I’ve had to do and I’ll never forget the look on your face or the sound of your sobs. It broke my heart to see you like that but yet I was still convinced that I was doing the right thing.”

Isak looked down at his lap. It really hurt to hear Even’s reasons once again. As if Isak hadn’t thought of them enough. As if he hadn’t spent weeks upon weeks focusing on the flaws and faults that drew Even away. He knew better now but deep down he would always blame himself for making Even leave.

Suddenly he felt Even’s hand over his as it rested on the table. Even covered Isak’s softly clenched fist with his bigger hand and rubbed at the dry skin tenderly. Isak looked at their joint hands and then back at Even.

“I should have fought for us. I shouldn’t just have broken up with you. I should have made you talk instead of waiting for you to open up. I should have tried to see it from your perspective but I never did. I just saw the things that irritated me and never really the cause of it. I should have made you open up and I should have told you all the reasons why I loved you. I could see that you were hurting but I was so convinced that I hadn’t really done anything wrong so I ignored it. It took me a long time to realise that it was my fault too and I’m so fucking sorry. In my head I blamed everything on you because it was easy when I had as much to do with the break up.”

Isak cleared his throat.

“Okay,” he said.

“It’s not okay though,” Even said sadly. “Because I was a jerk to you when I kept bringing Isabell up even though I knew that you felt insecure about it and when I texted her when we were supposed to be just the two of us. I should have considered your feelings and I didn’t.”

Even squeezed Isak’s hand tightly.

“You know, at first when we broke up I felt like I was doing okay. I was sad of course and I missed you like crazy. But overall I was doing okay. I had my job and my friends and I kept going with my life. I could tell that everyone was waiting for me to crash but I didn’t. I was doing okay… as okay as anyone was expecting. I stayed so long with Sonja because I was scared to be alone. I was scared that I couldn’t handle things without anyone by my side. It was different with you from the beginning. You remember what you said right?” Even said and looked at Isak.

“Only you can feel what you feel,” Isak mumbled and Even nodded.  

“I love you, Isak,” he whispered. “I love you so much and I want you back in my life. You make me happy and safe and it’s all that matters. Breaking up with you didn’t make me happier in the end. It proved that I was capable of doing it by my own but I wasn’t really happier. And seeing you in that grocery store and then again on New Year’s made it impossible to deny it. Even these few weeks when we were just calling and then texted has been better than not having you in my life at all. I made me realise how much I want you. I know I gave up on you and on us before and I know how much I hurt you but I’ll fight for you now… if you let me.”  

Isak force himself to look away. He had no idea how to respond. He wanted Even back into his life too, he knew he did, but he was still scared.

“I…” he started, finally looking up at Even again and locking eyes with Even’s.

Even looked at him pleadingly.

Isak didn’t find the words to say anything else.

“I’ll show you how much I love you and how much I want you… I’ll be your friend if that is the only thing you want. I’ll be your meme buddy if that is all you want. And if you don’t want any of that I’ll…I’ll forever regret letting you go.”  Even continued.

Isak slowly withdrew his hand from under Even’s and looked away.

“I don’t want to let you go but I’m scared. We broke up for a reason, Even. We can’t just forget about that. I’m in a better place but what if it happens again? I can’t promise I won’t mess up. What if you leave me again? I don’t want to go through that again.”

“You don’t have to make any promises, Isak. Just like I can’t make any promises I won’t mess up again but I love you and you said you loved me too. And when I was depressed and we didn’t now where things would go that was enough. Maybe it can be again?”

Even smiled slightly but Isak could see the hint of sadness behind Even’s eyes. Isak closed his own eyes as tears burned behind them. The café was mostly empty but he did not want to cry in public. Isak looked at Even again. God he was so beautiful and god Isak wished he could get rid of all his insecurities and fears. He wish he could just take Jonas’ and Eskild’s advice and not be scared. But he still was. He still was scared that they would end up the same again, broken.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I’m not ready yet. I want to be. I want to be with you too, Even.  I’m just not there yet.”

Even’s smile grew as he reached out and touched Isak’s cheek with his thumb.

“Don’t be sorry,” he whispered. “We can take it slowly. Just one day at a time. Whatever you want.”

Isak bit his lip and nodded silently.

Even took his hand gently again and intertwined their fingers.

“You are amazing Isak, and I’ve never met anyone who makes me feel like you do. When I met you I felt so incredibly happy. Like I couldn’t believe you wanted me. I want you to know that. You deserve to be happy and I want to be the person that makes you happy. Someday.”

Isak looked down at their joint hands. Even’s hand was warm and soft in his. Isak’s was slightly dry.

“Someday,” he repeated. “Okay.”

Even nodded.

“Okay,” he said. “Let’s take things slowly, like day by day or minute by minute.”

Isak half laughed half sobbed.

“Minute by minute sounds really nice.” he said.

“So what will we do this minute?” Even asked softly.

Isak looked down at the lonely carrot cake that had stayed untouched since they started talking. He took his spoon and took a bite.

“This minute we will eat our carrot cake,” he smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think :) did you like it? 
> 
> So yeah, Even now knows that he wants and he is promising Isak to do anything he can to prove it and do it on Isak's terms. Isak is still a bit wary but Even is patient with him. 
> 
> Maybe this chapter was a bit boring with basically only conversation but I think they got a long way in this chapter and Even finally took the steps he needed to take if he wants Isak back. They still have things to sort out but they have come a long way since they broke up. They need to trust eachother again but much like when they fell in love the first time they have weakness for eachother and in the end the major problem in their relationship was communication issues.


	13. Radioactive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are looking up for Isak and he starts to be more attentive to his surroundings and his friends. Mostly everything is good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the wait, guys. I've been so busy with two papers to hand in in two different courses and when I finally found some time to write I couldn't come up with anything to write. But then I sat down two hours ago because I can't sleep anyway and wrote this. It is a bit shorter than I would have liked but it ended in a good place. I might have to add another chapter or two, ooops. Hehe. Because this chapter is so short and the story took a slower turn a few chapters back. Anwyay hopefully you won't mind. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your comments and kudos.

So they were taking things slow, whatever that meant. The first few days after their meet up it apparently meant silence, not even a meme or a funny Youtube video, no late night calls or spontaneous texts and Isak was left wondering if maybe Even had already changed his mind.  At first it had made him really worried about it, contemplating texting Even himself. But they had agreed on taking things slow for a reason. Because Isak still needed time for himself to reflect on everything that had been said between them. He understood Even better know, and while he still struggled with his own guilt he could now think about their break up as a mutual mistake. He knew he had done mistakes and he was ready to work on them to be a better person but there had been so much more to it than he had realised. He was jealous and perhaps he could be controlling because of that but deep down almost all of those decisions he had made back then had been due to his own insecurities. Due the fear that someone else would come along and make Even realise he could do so much better than a whiny, lazy, and sloppy boy that on top of it was a jealous asshole with no interesting traits. In his eyes most people were better than him, and above all, Even was so much better than him.

Isak knew now how dependent he had been on Even since they got together. Even was his first real love, and his first relationship and he was the first person who made Isak feel like the most important person in the world so the fear of losing all that clenched at him painfully with an icy cold grasp. He had tied a lot of his happiness and well-being around Even and their relationship without really noticing. He knew better now. He had his friends, he had Eskild who took him in a second time without hesitation. He had Linn who didn’t mind him moving back in even if they weren’t as close. He had his parents and even if their relationship was frail they loved him.

Now he was sat in the  living room to his apartment with the boys. They were pre partying and while  Isak had decided to not drink too much both Magnus and Jonas was already wasted and Mahdi was not far behind.

Isak watched them amusedly as they argued about the rules to a certain drinking game as he sipped on his beer, the second for the evening.

“You okay?” Mahdi asked and Isak looked up at his friends.

“Yeah,” he said and smiled nodding towards their two friends. “Wonder how they are going to feel tomorrow though.”

Mahdi laughed.

“I’m glad that you are feeling better than a few weeks ago,” he said seriously and Isak nodded.

The last few weeks or months possible had been a lot and Isak knew he hadn’t been a good friend to either of them.

“Sorry I’ve been a mess,” he said.

He had apologised to Jonas as well a few days ago but Jonas had just shrugged him off like he usually did. Mahdi smiled.

“It’s cool. I mean, at least you are not being violent. Yet,” he joked and Isak found himself laughing with his friend.

Mahdi had always been easy going and forgiving which was what Isak appreciated the most about him but it was also something that people tended to take for granted. Isak swore to try his best to never do it again.

“How are you?” he asked still feeling ashamed that he barely had any idea how his closest friends were doing.

He had been a mess for so long but know that he was in a better place he was starting to be more attentive to his friends. Or so he wanted to be.

Mahdi smiled, looking a bit secretive so Isak raised his eyebrows questioningly.

“What are you so smiley and secretive about?” Isak asked which only made Mahdi’s grin wider.

By now both Magnus and Jonas had ended their rather heated discussion and joined the conversation.

“What are we talking about?” Magnus asked curiously and looked from Isak to Mahdi and back again.

“Ask Mahdi,” Isak smirked and leaned back on the couch watching amusedly how both Jonas and Magnus turned their attention to Mahdi who was now seemingly blushing.

“There’s-a-girl-I’ve-been-talking-to,” he blurted out and Magnus faced turned into complete excitement.

“Who is she?” he asked.

“She’s actually from my church. She just moved here a few months ago with her mom and two little brothers and at first they were kind of friends with my little brothers and she came over once or twice to collect them and since then we’ve been talking,” Mahdi said.

“That’s so awesome, bro,” Jonas said and leaned in to give Mahdi a high five.

“I’m mean we have just been talking but I think I kind of like her,” Mahdi said shyly.

“You need to ask her out,” Magnus said eagerly. “Let’s text her right now. Remember when we helped Isak with Even and Even came running five minutes after?”

 “Yeah, let’s do it right now,” Jonas said equally eagerly.

Mahdi hurriedly but his phone away and shook is hear violently.

“Nope,” he said.

“Why not?” Magnus pressed.

Mahdi rolled his eyes.

“I don’t need your help, anyway I don’t even know if she likes me back so… I don’t want to make things awkward and weird.”

He took another sip from his drink.

“But you can’t really know until you ask her, bro. Like if you have been texting you she has to like you right?”

Magnus was getting more excited by the minute and Isak in his somewhat sober state could tell that Mahdi wasn’t really all that eager.

However, neither Jonas nor Magnus seemed to notice their friend’s hesitation at this point, the both of them way too drunk all ready.

“Help me, Isak” Mahdi pleaded as he tried to keep his phone in his grasp as both Magnus and Jonas tried to grab it from him ‘to see what that poor girl had written and trying to analyse each text’

“Magnus!” Isak shouted. “Vilde is calling you,” he continued and it worked like a charm.

Magnus instantly gave up the battle in favour of turning to his own phone which still lay on the couch. As Jonas lost his momentum Isak used the opportunity to take Mahdi’s phone himself and put it into his own jeans pocket. He gave Mahdi a reassuring wink and smirked at Magnus disappointed face when he realised that Vilde was not calling him.

“You traitor,” he said as he turned to Isak with a disappointed look on his face. “Why you do that?”

Isak gave him a smirk and high fived Mahdi.

“Us single bros needs to stick together” he said.

All three of them were looking at him now, Magnus seemingly forgetting the betrayal. He could see the look on their faces and they seemed relieved that he had actually managed to make a joke about being single.

“But like you and Even are gonna get back together soon,” Magnus said.

Isak shrugged.

“Yeah maybe, but I just don’t want to talk about Even all the time. We are taking things slow and in the meantime I want to try to focus on other things. Like the fact that we still don’t have a Russ bus and Vilde will kill us if we don’t have that stupid buss.”

“Maybe we can ask Vilde to be on the bus again,” Magnus said eagerly and the rest of the boys sighed.

“Sana would never allow that,” Isak pointed out.

“We could probably just sneak on to Julian Dahl’s bus,” Jonas commented. “He’s like the more people that see how rich he is the better.”

“Or we could just have a smaller bus like the girls,” Mahdi said. “I mean to be honest I just want to hang out with you and go to parties and enjoy finally being free. I don’t really care about the busses all that much.”

“Me neither,” Jonas said and Magnus nodded.

They went quiet after that looking at each other in silence. Isak suddenly felt weirdly sentimental about school ending so soon and the thought about not seeing them every day as he was so used to. To be honest they all looked like they were thinking the same so instead of letting it damper the mood he raised his beer.

“I think it’s going to be awesome,” He said smiling.

 

A few days later Isak was about to leave school when he spotted a very familiar face sitting by the benches. Even was looking down on his phone but as Isak approached him he looked up, smiling brightly.

“Hi,” he said happily when Isak got closer.

“Hey,” Isak said confused, “What are you doing here?” he asked.

“To see you of course,” Even said. “Is that okay? I was thinking about sending you a meme or something but I really wanted to see you in person.”

Isak smiled.

“It’s okay. What’s up?” he asked still standing in front of Even.

Even stood up and closed the distance between them.

“I’m here to ask you on a date,” he said. “A friend date I mean.”

Isak raised his eyebrows.

“A friend date?” he asked suspiciously. “What does that even mean, Even?”

Even just beamed at him.

“It means that we are going on a date as friends and our friends will be there to. So it’s like a friend date in a double sense. Like we are obviously friends-” Even continued to babble nervously and Isak found it endearing.

“I think I get the concept,” he smirked.

Even gave an exaggerated sigh of relief.

“That’s good,” he said. “Actually the boys and I were thinking about playing some football or something on Saturday. It’s meant to be sunny and there is a barbecue near a football field near were Adam lives so we were thinking of grilling and playing football but we need more players.”

“So this double sense friend date is just so that you can have more players on the teams?” Isak joked.

Even laughed.

“Yeah well the boys suggested it but it is also so I can see you,” he said.

“You do know I’m the master of football right?” Isak asked as the two of them started walking towards the tram stop.

“Yeah so I’ve heard,” Even said teasingly. “Can’t wait to see you play.”

“Fuck you, I’ve played until I was 15,” Isak said. “On a real team, with matches every weekend.”

“A real team?”

Isak nodded.

“Yeah and Mahdi used to play too which means that we are going to beat your asses.” Isak laughed.

“So you mean that it is going to be like the kids versus the adults or something?” Even smirked. “Because then I know for a fact that we would win.”

“Fuck you,” Isak repeated. “We would definitely win.”

Even just beamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is super late but I really hope you enjoyed this. Please let me know what you thought in the comments.
> 
> So yeah next chapter will contain the "friend date" with the boysquad and the ballonsquad and Even and it will be nice I think. Isak is probably going to be very competative. 
> 
> I had stort of forgotten about the russ things but in my defense it has been the last thing on Isak's mind in this last crappy months and Jonas kindof dislikes the whole concept too so they have been prettyy chill about it. And I don't know anything about it apart from Skam. Oh Well...


	14. Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friend date!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the friend date :) I hope you will like it. I can't believe this fic is almost finished. Just a few chapters left. It's either going to be 16 or 17 plus Even's and then it is all done. I just want to say thank you to all of you who have read this story and those of you who have left kudos and taken the time to leave amazing comments. It means the world. 
> 
> I kind of feel like I'm way better at angst than fluff and this chapter is not very angsty at all. But hopefully you will like it. As I said we are nearing the end and they are finding their way back to eachother.

The boys were thrilled when Isak told them about Even’s invitation and now that it was only a day away Isak felt really excited about it. He looked forward so see Even but with the laid back setting he didn’t feel nervous about it either. Yet.

In addition his dad had called him yesterday to tell him that his mother was doing a lot better and even if she was probably going to stay in the psychiatric ward for a while she was now allowed permissions during the day and Isak’s dad had suggested that the three of the could have lunch together on Sunday. Isak was relieved to hear that his mother was doing better. This time around had been though. Almost as bad has the first time and while he was a lot better at handling it now it still teared at him knowing that she was doing bad, locked up in ward and him unable to do anything about it. He had not visited her as much as he would have liked but had made sure to answer her texts and text her himself every other day.

Magnus had suggested they spent the evening together to get into the right mood for ‘the game’ on Saturday and it left Isak wondering if Magnus was even more competitive than him. When Jonas, who was probably the least competitive and the worst at football out of the four of them, had pointed out that it was just for fun, Magnus had been fast to point out the seriousness of the game.

So they were currently hanging out in Magnus living room with the pizza on the way. Magnus parents had gone out to dinner and Magnus fourteen year old sister was locked up in her room so they had the entire house for themselves.

Currently Isak was playing Madhi on Fifa and Mahdi was beating his ass. Jonas and Magnus were stretched out on the couch behind them.

“We should probably talk strategies,” Magnus said seriously. “Like how are we going to play?”

Even with his back turned towards the other boys, Isak could practically feel Jonas roll his eyes.

“It’s just a day in the park. We are doing it for fun and just to hang out” Jonas said. “It’s not really that serious.”

“Yeah but winning is important though,” Magnus insisted. “Right, Isak?”

Isak laughed and has the match ended he put the control down and switched places with Jonas.

“Sure, Mags,” he said. “But with you and Jonas on the team is going to be pretty difficult.” he continued with a smirk.

 

Isak woke up on just before nine on Saturday. They were supposed to meat Even and the boys in the park at eleven which left Isak plenty of time to get ready. He ate breakfast alongside Linn and though they were both silent he enjoyed her company. Eskild had a guy over and the two of them had come home late the night before so Isak guessed they would not be awake for another hour or so. Isak was eating his oat meal while watching a YouTube video on low volume to not bother Linn when a text from Even popped out on his screen.

**I hope you are ready for**

**today. Can’t wait to see you** **J**

Isak smiled and opened his camera and snapped a picture of his oatmeal which he attached to his answer.

**Getting ready to kick your ass ;)**

It didn’t take long before Even replied with his own picture. It looked like they were in Sana and Elias’s kitchen and the table was covered in food and in the background Isak spotted Sana sit with a tea in her hand, completely focused on the book she was reading.

**We are having a team breakfast.**

**And talking strategies ;)**

 

Isak smiled widened as he looked at the picture of Even with all of his friends in the background. They all looked happy and Even’s smile was just radiant. Isak looked at the picture for another minute the same smile playing on his face and when he looked up Linn was looking at him curiously.

“What?” he asked.

She just shrugged.

“You and Even are getting back together,” she said, offering him a small, neutral smile.

“We are just friends,” he commented.

“Yeah you said so the first time too,” Linn said. “Does this mean you are moving out again?”

“No what the fuck?” Isak exclaimed.

Linn took another spoon of cereal, completely unfazed by Isak’s outburst. She chew silently before she spoke again.

“I like living with you. I mean we are not as close as we are to Eskild or as close as Noora and I but I like to live with you. You are a bit messy like me and you leave me alone and won’t if I eat your food sometimes. And Eskild really likes having you here.”

Isak smiled softly. He and Linn were not that close, they just lived in the same apartment and sometimes stole each other’s food. He was also pretty sure Linn missed having Noora as a flatmate.

“I like living here too,” he said honestly. “I don’t think I’m moving out anytime soon. I want to stay here for a while even if Even and I were to be together again.”

Linn nodded and just like that the two of them went back to eat in silence and turned their attention to their phones.  Isak looked at the photo Even had sent again.

**You’re gonna need it**

**Mags is pumped**

 

He pressed send and finished his bowl of oatmeal before he got back into is room to change and collect his things. It was a beautiful day, just like Even had said it would be and it felt like spring was finally around the corner as the sun warmed his face when he walked towards the tram.

30 minutes later he met the boys at the bus stop only 5 minutes away from the park. Mahdi was dressed similarly to him, in sort and a long sleeved football shirt. Magnus had gotten a little overboard with the head band but he was smiling excitedly as he greeted Isak with friendly hug. Jonas was carrying a plastic bag in his head and Isak remembered that he had promised to buy some stuff for the barbecue.

They walked the short distance to the park and Magnus kept talking constantly. Now that it was only a matter of minutes before he would see Even, Isak did feel kind of nervous. Or perhaps not nervous but there definitely were some butterflies in his stomach. He walked a few steps behind the rest of them and when Jonas turned around and noticed he slowed down his pace until Isak had caught up.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“Just a bit nervous I guess,” Isak said. “About seeing Even.”

Jonas nodded.

“But you want to do this?” he asked.

“Yeah of course, I’m just excited and a bit nervous I suppose.” Isak said honestly.

The others were already there when they arrived. Mutta and Elias were kicking the ball between them and Even, Mikael and Adam sat by the benches by the barbecue.

They all turned as they heard the boys approach and Even smiled happily and looked straight at Isak. Isak found him smile back just as happily and he turned to walk towards the bench. By now Elias and Mutta were also on their way over and they all greeted each other. Isak tried to focus on the others and what they were saying but the whole time he could feel Even’s eyes on him and he couldn’t help but cast looks the other boy’s way the entire time.

“Uh, I brought some stuff,” Jonas said and held out the bag he was holding.

“Awesome,” Elias said. “We were thinking we could play some and then maybe eat? Is that alright?  Even has promised to be the chef today.”

Isak looked at Even again who nodded slightly.

“As long as it is not Isak,” Mahdi teased. “Then we know for sure we won’t have anything to eat.”

Everybody laughed and Isak scowled grumpily.

“It’s not like you are any better though,” he retorted.

They decided to start off with Isak and they boys against the others since both Mutta and Elias had played football as kids just like Isak and Madhi. It turned out Even was just about as bad at football as Jonas and while he was taller than Isak, Isak could easily dribble past him and did so several times.

“You need to be faster,” he joked when he had run past Even for the third time.

“Faster? Is that so?” Even smirked and grabbed Isak’s arm and yanked him towards him so Isak fell into the muddy grass.

Isak let out a surprised yelp as he landed on the dirty ground. For a second Even looked slightly guilty but then he smiled triumphantly.

“That’s cheating,” Isak pouted. “Yellow card at least.”

Even laughed.

“Do you think you are making the rules here?” he smiled and held out his hand to let Isak up.

Isak took it and stood up with the help of the other boy.

“Definitely,” he smirked.

“If you two are done looking at each other like that can we continue?” Adam muttered.                         

They continued playing and it turned out that both Mutta and Elias were really good.  Even though the game was pretty even Isak and the boys lost by one goal by the time Magnus complained that he was hungry. 

“We are definitely getting a rematch though,” Mahdi said as all of them walked off the field and Mikael and Jonas went to light the fire.

Immediately everyone seemed to have something to do and Isak found himself trying to come up with something usual he could do. Suddenly Elias looked up from where packing up things from the bags they had carried.

“I’m sure Even could use some help,” he said and nodded towards were Even was standing next to his own bag, definitely not in need of any help.

“Really?” Isak said and Elias nodded.

“Yeah and Magnus and I have this covered so…”

Isak sighed.  

“You now I can’t possibly destroy the food by simply unpacking it, right? he said but Magnus shook his head firmly.

“Just go, Isak. Even needs you.”

So Isak picked up his water bottle and put on his jacket before he walked over to Even.

 “Hey,” Isak said as he approached the other boy. 

“Hi,” Even smiled. “Everything okay?”

Isak nodded.

“Yeah, this is a nice friend date. It’s nice to do things all of us.”  

“Yeah?” Even said as he dug through is bag. “Even though you lost your first game?”

“That was not my fault though,” Isak said and Even smiled.

“No, you are really good actually, you didn’t lie when you told be you were the master of football,” he said softly.

“I never lie,” Isak said.

“That is literally a lie,” Even said and nudged Isak’s shoulder playfully.

Isak tried to look offended but failed as Even touched his arm and he wished the touch would linger for only a few more seconds.

“Anyway the boys are forcing me to help you so here I am. I can be your apprentice.” he said with a small smile.

Even handed him a stack of paper plates and another with plastic cups and stood up.

“Sounds great,” he said. “You were such an amazing apprentice when we made out cheese toasties.”

Isak laughed.

“That was not my fault,” he protested weakly. “You egged me on with all those spices. And we didn’t have the cardamom either.“

“That’s too bad,” Even said playfully. “I’m pretty sure Elias did not bring the cardamom today either.”

Isak laughed and Even smiled and if felt just like it had before they got together the first time. When Isak was sitting in Even’s kitchen drinking beer and watching Even make cheese toasties and spending hours in Even’s room smoking weed and talking and rapping. It was such a similar feeling but also so different. Isak back then and Isak now were so different from each other. Isak back then had been falling so hard and completely head over heels for Even. This Isak held back because this Isak had experienced heartbreak much worse than Isak back then ever head. But this Isak was also stronger and he wasn’t as scared.

They walked over to where the others had lit the barbeque and were now sitting around the fire waiting for it to be ready. Isak and Even took a seat next to their friends.

“We have burgers and buns, ketchup and mustard and Even insisted we need like tomatoes and cucumber and onion too so we have that as well,” Elias said and nodded towards the table where they had set everything up.

Eventually burgers had been grilled and they were all sitting at the table eating. Isak sat next to Even, their legs touching.

“So are you excited for graduation?” Mutta asked.

“So excited,” Mahdi said. “Can’t believe it’s finally over. It feels like we just started and now we are graduating and then who knows what we will be up to in two years.”

“What are all of you going to do?” Adam asked and dug into his second burger.

“I’m going to take a gap year,” Jonas said and Isak tried to not look bothered by it. “I really want to go to Australia or Asia and surf and stuff. I just need to work a bit first.”

All of the boys hummed excitedly.

“That sound so cool,” Mikael said. “I wish I could surf,”

“Dude, you almost died when you tried to skate when we went to Bakka,” Even pointed out and everyone laughed again.

Isak smiled tightly. As happy as he was for Jonas he also felt a bit sad that they weren’t going to see each other every day like they had since they were five. At first it had been so far away but now it was only a matter of time until they would all be going their separate ways,

“What are you going to do, Isak?”

Isak was brought back to reality and he looked up.

“University, I think. If I want to have a chance to get in I feel like I need to take every chance I get. Besides I don’t know what else to do.”

“Sana said you were also applying for Oslo,” Elias commented.

Isak nodded.

“Yeah, I mean if I get in I’ll be really happy…”

“You are a genius,” Even said warmly and Isak felt Even touch is knee lightly.  “I believe in you.”

Isak smiled gratefully.

“We’ll see,” he said.

20 minutes later they had finished their burgers and cleaned up and were ready for a new game.

They decided to mix up the teams and Isak ended up on the same team as Mutta, Adam, Magnus and Jonas this time around. They played for almost half an hour and Isak had managed to score three times before they decided it was a draw. By that time they were all pretty muddy and sweaty and Mahdi had manged to knock Isak on the nose with his elbow.

“I’m really sorry,” Mahdi said but Isak shook his head.

His nose was still a bit sore but it hadn’t even started bleeding.

“It’s fine, Mahdi,” he said and smiled reassuringly.

They collected all their things and made sure they hadn’t left anything before they all headed home.

“I’ll wait with you until your tram gets here,” Even said softly as they got off the bus.

“You don’t have to…” Isak started. “…Unless you want to.”

“I want to,” Even said.

They stood close together without saying anything for several minutes.

“I had a lot of fun today,” Isak said finally, “Thank you for inviting us.”

Even gave a small smile.

“I had fun too. It was nice that we could do things as friends you know,”

Isak nodded.

“Yeah…” he breathed. “Friends are good, friend dates are good,”

“I’m really glad we are doing this, Isak,” Even said. “I’m glad we are friends again and I’m glad that we can talk to each other and to things.”

“Me too,” Isak said.

“What are your plans for the rest of the weekend?” Even asked.

“I’m going to have lunch with mom and dad tomorrow” he said slowly. “She has a permission,” he added as he spotted the slight confusion on Even’s face.

“I take it she is doing better then?” Even said.

“Yeah I mean she is probably gonna be admitted for several more weeks but yeah she is doing better. I just wish there was more I could to for her but… “

“Hey, it’s okay.” Even shushed lightly.

“Yeah I know. It’s just heard sometimes,” Isak sighed and shivered slightly.

He had been warm once they left the park and on the bus ride but now he was freezing waiting for the tram.

“Are you cold?” Even frowned.

Isak shrugged a bit.

“It’s okay…” he said. “The tram will be here any minute so…”

“Yeah but I don’t like to see you cold,” Even said. “You’ll get sick.”

“You can’t get sick from the cold.” Isak pointed out and Even rolled his eyes.

“Forgot you are almost a doctor,” he said. “Can I at least give you a hug?”

Isak nodded.

Even wrapped his arms around Isak and Isak found himself burying his nose into Even’s neck, wrapping his own arms around Even’s back. He closed his eyes and focused on Even’s scent. He could feel Even tightening his arms and sunk deeper into the other boys embrace. In this moment everything felt right. Like no matter how they ended up things would be okay.

Then he heard Even groan unhappily and as he opened his eyes he saw the tram approach. Reluctantly he let go of Even. Suddenly he felt nervous.

“Thanks for today,” he said sheepishly. “It was really great.”

Even nodded, biting his lip.

“I really want to ask you on a real date,” he mumbled. “But I’m a bit scared you will say no. I’m sacred we’ll mess it up if we are not ready yet but at the same time I just want to be with you.”

Isak swallowed thickly.

“We’ll be okay,” he whispered. “I know we will. We won’t mess it up this time.”

Even nodded and tried to smile but Isak could see the slight sadness in his eyes. Isak hated that look on Even’s face.

 “I will say yes, you know,” he said comfortingly. “We just need to take our time but if you ask me I will say yes.”

People had started to enter the tram and Isak didn’t have much more time.

He gave Even a small smile and a quick hug.

“Okay, I’ll ask you on a real date real soon.” Even said.

 With that Isak entered the tram watching as Even walked away as the tram started moving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. If you want to let me know what you thought in the comments :) 
> 
> Next chapter is going to be another step. I'm a little concerned about the pace of their relationship and the pace of the story but at the same time I think it would be boring if they didn't make much progress for several chapters. I still think it shows that they are trying to take things slow and be ready.


	15. Somewhere Only We Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even struggle to be just friends and Even finally asks Isak out. Real date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so sorry for the long wait. I know I've been saying that a lot lately. I've been quite busy in the month of January and combined with writers block I didn't really get much writing down. 
> 
> I'm gonna be honest and say I'm not completely happy with this chapter and have some mixed feelings about it. I don't want to feel like I let you down with this but I feel like it might be a bit all over the place. At first I had planned a fun angst free chapter but it got a bit angstier than I wanted but also a bit cheesy. 
> 
> I'm just a bit worried about it being a bit messy or sloppy. (Just like this note) I really tried my best though. I have just breifly proofread but I really really wanted to post something so there is bound to be many mistakes. Just don't go look for them ;) 
> 
> Anyway I hope you will like it!

The following weeks it became harder for them to keep being just friends. At first it felt okay. They kept doing their friend dates and Even started hanging out with Isak and the boys again. They played Fifa in Mahdi’s living room, went out for a beer at the pub or hung out at kollektivet. In between they texted and called. Even sent his memes and funny YouTube videos and Isak replied to every single one of them with a smile on his face.

_I’ll ask you on a real date soon_

_If you ask me I will say yes_

It was their agreement, Even would ask and Isak would say yes. Sometimes they’d look at each other from across the room and Isak would give Even a reassuring smile, nodding slightly towards the other boy and Even would smile back. They were both determined to make this right, to not fuck it up when they had finally found their way back together. 

_Soon._

With time it became harder and harder to keep up with their little charade and pretend that friendship was enough. It was easy and safe but they both wanted something else. Every time they hung out, whether alone or along with their friends, Isak found himself so at ease in Even’s company and it felt almost like when they had first met and Isak wanted more of that.

He tried to busy himself with the end of school, Russ and spending time with his friends to pre-occupy his mind.  The only thing was that Even was now part of his friends which meant that they saw each other all the time. 

Today was one of these nights when Even joined the boys at kollektivet to just have some beers and order take out and maybe watch a movie.  Noora was with the girls and Eskild was going out with his work friends and Linn’s mother had come for a visit and the two of them had gone out for dinner.

The whole night Isak and Even had been looking at each other, sitting a little too close on the couch, brushed against each other while they were both setting the table together and now that they ate their food they both kept stealing food from each other’s plates just like they used to.  

“What are you both waiting for?” Magnus asked bluntly as he watched their interaction “Like, you are both so frustrating.”

Mahdi and Jonas sighed but Isak and Even just smiled at each other dumbly.

“We are just waiting for the right moment,” Isak said, still smiling fondly at Even.

“Why? You are both obviously in love with each other;” Magnus continued. “What’s the problem?”

Magnus was probably their biggest cheerleader, eager for them to get back together and while he could sometimes be a bit annoying about it Isak knew he had their best interest at heart. Even continued to look at him, his smile less bright now. Isak wondered if maybe this friend thing hurt him. Even had been so clear about his intentions. Yet he was so patient with Isak, allowing Isak to take his time to find trust again. Even had said he would wait, that he would be just Isak’s friend if that was what Isak wanted and while it felt good to know that Even was prepared to do that for him, Isak didn’t want to be the reason for Even to be sad and he knew Even felt the same way.  They had hurt each other enough, each in their own way. Maybe that was the problem. Like this, they’d never be able to hurt each other like that again. One the other hand just being friends would never be enough for Isak when it came to Even. They had never been just friends, and now that they tried, they had to work so hard to keep it that way.

Isak wanted to put everything behind them so that they could start over and be brave again.  Were they ready for that?

Isak knew that Even hated himself a bit for the mistakes he had made then just like Isak hated himself a bit for his. Isak didn’t want Even to feel like he had to allow everything to be on Isak’s terms just because he had hurt Isak. He wanted it to be on both of their terms, and he had thought that it was but sometimes when one of their friend’s teased them, Even’s smile would falter the tiniest bit so that it no longer reached his eyes. Isak doubted that anyone but him noticed but every time it happened, Isak was left wondering if the friend thing was what Even wanted or what he just settled on because that was all Isak could give at the moment. They hadn’t talked about it again since they stood at the tram stop and Even told him he was scared to ask him on a date and Isak ensured him that he would say yes. Isak still meant those words, he would say yes whenever Even asked.

Even stayed after the rest of the boys had left, helping Isak clean the kitchen before Eskild would get home. Isak did the dishes while Even did the dried them and put them back in their cupboards. They worked mostly in silence for a while before Isak could feel Even’s breath on his cheek and looked up. Even was standing just next to him, smiling gingerly and looking straight into Isak’s eyes.

“Oh, hello,” Isak chuckled slightly.

“Hello,” Even whispered.

Even took the glass from Isak’s hand and dried it slowly. When he was done he put the glass in the cupboard and put the towel on the countertop. His breath was still warm against Isak’s face as he moved his hand to rub his thumb against Isak’s cheek.

 “What are we waiting for, Isak?” the other boy asked quietly. “What is the problem?”

“I don’t know,” Isak said honestly.  

He put down the last glass and put his hand on top of Even’s and leaned his forehead against Even’s.

“I don’t want us to be scared anymore, I’m tired of waiting for the right moment.” Even mumbled.

Isak closed his eyes and focused on Even’s breaths and the familiar scent of the other boy. His heart was pounding slightly in his chest but he knew he couldn’t spent the rest of his life waiting for the right moment to come.

“Then don’t,” he mumbled.

When he finally opened his eyes Even was still looking at him intensely.  

“Do you want to go on a date with me?” Even asked, biting his lip nervously as if he didn’t know the answer all ready. As if he wasn’t sure that Isak would still say yes.

“A real date?” Isak teased softly and a small smile appeared on Even’s face.

 “Definitely a real date. The best real date you’ve ever had.” Even said softly and ran a hand through Isak’s hair.

“You’ve taken me on some very good dates already,” Isak murmured and leaned closer to Even’s touch.

“Yeah?” Even asked.

“Yeah.”

“So will you go on a date with me?” Even asked again, smiling gingerly.

“I’d love to,” Isak mumbled.

 

A week later Isak stood in front of the mirror trying to get himself ready for when Even was going to pick him up in less than ten minutes. He felt stupidly nervous about their date. They had gone ob plenty of dates before and had even lived together so he shouldn’t be nervous about it really. Still the butterflies in his stomach fluttered. Eskild was lounging on the bed behind him, studying Isak silently.

“You know that Even will like whatever you wear right?” The he boy said.

“Yeah, I just want it to feel special,” Isak said as he re-adjusted the snap-back on his head.

He had opted for his burgundy one, the one that was originally Jonas’ but had pretty much become Isak’s.  Even hadn’t given him much clues on what their date was supposed to be but had texted Isak to dress for a day outside so Isak had put on a pair of skinny jeans and a grey hoodie. Since it was now mid-May, the air was warm and nice especially today when the sun was out.

“You look good baby-Jesus,” Eskild said . “You know I’m happy for you, right? And proud.”

Isak smiled in the mirror.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m happy too.”

Five minutes later the doorbell rang and Isak’s stomach fluttered nervously as he hurried to open the door. Even looked as beautiful as ever as he stood in the doorway. He was dressed in Isak’s favourite white t-shirt, the one that fit Even’s body perfectly, and a grey hoodie similar to the one Isak was wearing. On top of it all he had his jean jacket.

“Hey,” he smiled. “This is for you,”

He held out a single red rose to Isak.

“Hi,” Isak said as accepted the rose and smelled it gingerly. “This is nice, thank you.”

He took a step backwards to let Even into the apartment at the same time as Eskild appeared in the doorway to Isak’s room.

“Hi, Even” he said cheerfully and leaned against the doorframe.

“Hi, Eskild,” Even smiled.

It wasn’t the first time they had seen each other since the break-up because Even had been to the apartment several times during the last few weeks but Isak suspected that Eskild was beyond the moon excited for this particular visit. Since Isak told him about the date a few days ago, Eskild had been thrilled especially after making sure Isak was excited for it as well.

“I’ll just go find something for this,” Isak said as he gestured to the rose in his hand and made his way into the kitchen to find something suitable.

He could hear Even and Eskild talk and laugh in the hallway as he looked around for something to put his single flower in. In the end he settled for in of Eskild’s tall glasses hoping that the other boy wouldn’t mind. He filled it with water and put the flower in. The glass was probably a little too wide to hold one single rose and unless he leaned it against the wall it was probably going to fall over but it would have to do. It was not like kollektivet had a wide array of different vases for any occasion.

When he entered the hall again Eskild and Even was in a deep discussion about a movie Eskild had just seen at the cinema and Even seemed to have seen it as well. As Even spotted Isak again the smile grew on his face causing Eskild to turn around.

“I’ll take that,” Eskild said hurriedly and promptly took the glass out of Isak’s hand “And I’ll find you a real vase. You two have an amazing date waiting for you.”

Isak looked at Even and smiled nervously.

“You look good,” he commented.

Even beamed.

“You look amazing,” he replied. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah sure,” Isak said and put on his jacket and sneakers. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” Even smirked as he took the lead down the stairs.

It didn’t take Isak long to figure out where they were going when Even, ten minute later, made them catch the tram towards Nissen. They stood close together, Even slightly behind Isak.

“Are you taking me to school?” Isak said. “On a weekend?”

“Wow, you figured it out,” Even said sarcastically, a small smile playing on his lips. “Yeah we are going to Nissen.”

Okay, now Isak was curious. He knew that it wouldn’t be an ordinary dinner date since Even had picked him up at 11 am but he definitely hadn’t imagined them going to school either for their date. He looked up at Even with a puzzled look on his face.

“Why are we going to school?” he asked.

He tried to read Even’s face but it was impossible.

“You’ll have to wait and see,” Even said.

Isak sighed.

“Why?” he pouted.

Even rolled his eyes dramatically.

“You are so demanding,” he laughed.

“I’m not demanding…” Isak tried but broke into a smile halfway through.

As the tram came to a stop a few minutes later and it was time for them to get off Isak felt Even’s hand on the small of his back. It was such a small gesture, one that Even had done countless of times before but Isak welcomed the familiar feeling as they walked towards the school.

The yard was empty of course since it was a Saturday and Isak doubted they would even be able to go inside but that wasn’t Even’s plan apparently because he walked with long steps towards the side of the yard coming to a stop by one of the benches were he sat down. Isak quietly sat down next to him, still a bit confused. He looked at Even in silence, waiting for the other boy to speak.

“On my first day here I sat down here for a while. I just needed a moment for myself. I kept thinking that I had screwed everything up and while all my old friends were out there living life I was still stuck in school repeating my third year.”

Even didn’t look at Isak but Isak could sense a slight sadness in his voice.

“I didn’t know anyone and it felt so daunting knowing that I was facing this all alone. I didn’t have my friends and Sonja and I were fighting all the time. I just tried to convince myself that this would be a fresh start.”

When Even looked up he smiled slightly.

“And then I saw you. This is where I saw you for the first time.”

“Oh,” Isak breathed.

“You were walking across the yard towards were Jonas was standing. You had a pair of skinny jeans on and your grey snap-back and I couldn’t take my eyes of you. You looked absolutely beautiful and when you approach Jonas you smiled and I kind of thought you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen.”

 Isak felt Even’s hand in his and let their fingers intertwine. As he looked down at their joined hands the other boys continued.

“After that I started look for you everywhere and tried to figure out your schedule so that I could come up with an excuse to just talk to you. I kind of stalked you a bit I think,” Even chuckled.  “I used to sit in the cafeteria with a few of my class mates and watch you sit with the boys but you’d never look back.”

Isak smiled, thinking back at the first month of his second year at Nissen. He couldn’t quite believe that Even had seen him the first day of school and that he had only joined Kosegruppa to meat Isak. They had talked about it a few times but never like this. He also remembered briefly locking eyes with Even a few days before the first meeting with Kosegruppa, the one that Sana had been very adamant of him going to.

“I did look back though,” Isak mumbled, moving closer to Even’s body.

“Yeah, after weeks of me trying to get your attention,” Even answered. “You have no idea of how fast my heart was beating when you looked at me for the first time.”

Isak smiled.

“I think I can imagine,” he said.

“Then when Sana talked about Kosegruppa I saw my chance. I mean it sounded like a pretty boring group but I just had to go if there was just the tiniest chance that you would actually be there.”

 

“I was so happy when you were actually there and I couldn’t really focus on anything else and I promised myself that this was my chance to finally speak to you.”

Even didn’t say anything else and he really didn’t need to say anything else. Isak knew the rest. Knew how he had pinned for Even painfully not knowing that Even was feeling the same and then how they had finally got each other.

“I’m telling you all this because I want you to know just how much you mean to me. I felt so hopeless on my first day but then I saw you and all I knew was that I wanted to get to know you. I had just had the worst year of my life and I felt really down and bad about myself but meeting you made my year at Nissen the best one ever and nothing can take that away. I was unhappy before I met you but you made me feel like the luckiest person ever by just being you.”   

Isak had to swallow, suddenly overwhelmed with emotions. He could feel a tear escape his eye and roll down his cheek. Eve quickly captured it with his finger.

“Don’t cry,” he mumbled.

“You made me happier too,” Isak said. “So much happier.”

Even pull him closer until he was pressed tightly against Even’s chest and he wrapped his arms around Even’s back. He could feel Even press his nose into his neck, and felt the even breaths against his hair.

“I love you, Isak,” Even murmured. “I love you so much.”

 

Isak pressed his own nose into Even’s shoulder.

 

“I love you too,” he said shakily, more tears escaping his eyes and he let out a snotty breath.

Even finally pulled away and put his hands on either side of Isak’s face and put his forehead against Isak’s.

 

“Don’t cry, sweetheart. I want you to be happy and we have so much more things to do on this date.”

Isak took a deep breath and managed to smile.

“Okay,” he said.

Even stood up and held out his hand for Isak to take. Isak stood up and took it without hesitation. Together the two of them walked across the yard again.

“Where’s our next stop?” Isak asked as they walked towards the tram stop again.

“Always so curious,” Even smiled. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

 

“This is nice,” Isak whispered. “So much better than friend dates.”

“Friend dates are overrated,” Even agreed.

“Yeah,”

They were curled up on Isak’s bed, lying close together with Isak’s head resting on his favourite spot on Even’s shoulder and his hand resting on Even’s chest. Even drew circles on Isak’s back causing a shiver to run down Isak’s spine.

Outside it was getting darker. They had spent the whole day together and Even had dragged Isak across Oslo, taking him to all places that meant something to them. They had had lunch at kaffebrenneriet, and even bought two bottles of beer at the store where Even had forgotten his id. They had stepped by Even’s house and spent an hour sitting at Even’s window sill, sharing a joint.

Then Even had ended up buying Isak sushi and they had taken it back to kollektivet, eating it in front of the TV. And now here they were, laying on bed together wrapped up in their softest hoodies.

“Do you think there is a universe were we never broke up?” Even said. “Were I never left you, and we still live together?”

He sounded sad, even after this amazing day they had had together. Isak didn’t want him to be sad anymore.

“Yeah,” Isak said. “Maybe there is. But in that universe I never learned to love myself and you never learned how amazingly strong you are and how much you can do on your own.”

“Probably,” Even sighed. “I still feel like we could have had so much time if we had just talked to each other back then. If I hadn’t just let you go.”

Isak moved his hand to Even’s face and traced the other boy’s jawline.

“We both messed up, We both made mistakes but we are here now,” he said quietly. “And that’s all that really matters.”

Even smiled and cupped his cheek.

“There is probably a universe where we never reconnected too, and then I like this universe more.” Isak continued.

“Me too,” Even mumbled, pressing a kiss between Isak’s eyebrows.

Isak tilted his head back, allowing Even’s lips to meet his. The kiss was soft, simple even, but at the moment that was all Isak needed.  He felt Even smile into the kiss and hug Isak even tighter against him. Isak sunk deeper into Even’s embrace, closing his eyes and sighing contently.

“I don’t want to let you go.” he whispered.  

“Then don’t,” Even said.

 

When Isak woke up the next day the bed beside him was empty but there was a drawing on his pillow and Even was in the kitchen wearing Isak’s hoodie and drinking coffee with Eskild.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you liked it or not :) 
> 
> As I said a bit all over the place with different feelings. To those of you who hoped for Even to take Isak out on an amazing date I hope you like him some more now. I've always struggled with finding the balance because I stand put that the break up was both of their faults and I didn't want one or the other to have to take the full blame. I think you can feel with both of them. That is my hopes anyway. I think Even has been just as unsure about their reunion as Isak and that they ultimately need to be brave together. 
> 
> I also tried to sneak in some paralells in this chapter. The paralell to the new years eve chapter was planned when I wrote that chapter and was going to be the ending. Maybe it was a bit too cheesy but it felt right at the time so I stuck with it. 
> 
> One chapter to go and then Even's p.o.w. 
> 
> I hope to be able to update soonish. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	16. Even if

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to go with Even's chapter because I had about half of it written and I wanted to update. (also see what I did with the title of this chaper. I'm a genius ;) )
> 
> After this there is only one chapter left which feels so surreal :) I hope you have liked reading this story. I have so many ideas for my next fic that I don't even know what to start with. I hope you'll want to read more from me. 
> 
> This chapter turned into a monster. It is ove 7500 words I think and while I loved writing it it was also challanging switching pow. BUt it was important for me to have Even tell his part of the story too and therefore I felt like I needed it to be long. I hope you don't mind and I hope it will give you some insight to Even's mind :) 
> 
> Thank you so much to all of you who have read, commented and left kudos. Your support means a lot.
> 
> Enjoy!

Breaking up with Isak was one of the hardest things Even had ever done and it took all his willpower to walk away from Isak that fateful night. He was so tired of the fights and of Isak’s controlling and jealous behaviour. Of Isak’s refusal to listen when Even told him over and over and over again that nothing was going on, that Isak was the one he loved. He was tired and exhausted of fights and tears, of feeling guilty for enjoying his life. So when Isak once again blew up over nothing Even made up his mind. Somewhere on their way home he made up his mind, after their initial fight at the club but before the blow up at home. Before Isak’s tears and begs for forgiveness. Before Isak asked to give him just one more chance. Even was just too tired of it all.

“I think I want to break up,” He said, trying to sound stoic because even if he was doing the right thing it was so, so hard.

Isak was crying, snotty sobs on his beautiful face and Even held him tightly and pressed kisses to Isak’s hair.

“This is for the best,” he concluded and walked away.

He left Isak sitting alone of their bed, still messy from the night before. He closed the door behind him and could hear Isak’s heart break on the other side.

He didn’t go to his parent’s house straight away. It was in the middle of the night and he didn’t want to wake them so he sent out a text to his friends asking them if anyone was awake. He ended up at Adam’s house. Adam listen as Even explained what had happened and nodded silently.

“It was awful,” Even commented and took a sip of his tea. “He was distraught.”

“You did what you had to do,” Adam said comfortingly.

 

He managed to fall asleep surprisingly easy after that.

The day after when he turned up to his parent’s house his mother hugged him and his father patted him on his back. He was honest with them from the beginning and it felt good. Neither of them said anything when he spent the rest of the day on the couch watching all his favourite movies. Isak kept texting him asking for forgiveness but Even didn’t answer. He needed space and he knew Isak needed it too. They both needed space. He knew Eskild was with Isak. Isak’s former roommate had sent him a text last night telling him that he was with Isak and would look after him. Even hadn’t answer that text either. He felt guilty for leaving the way he did. Without making sure Isak was alright. Without making sure that someone would be there to clean up the mess he made.

“Don’t worry about that, man” Elias said later that evening, “Isak has friends looking out for him. You need to focus on yourself.”

Even could tell that people were worried about him. His friends and his parents watched him carefully over the next few days and weeks. He was sad of course but overall he was doing okay. There was no signs of depression or mania or his parents would have alerted him. He went back to work as usual after his weekend off and went on with his life as usual. He didn’t tell anyone of colleagues about his break up and continued to work with the same smile on his face. If anyone of them noticed a difference in his behaviour they didn’t say anything. But maybe they had never known each other that well to begin with.

Madhi and Magnus texted him after a week or so to let him know that they knew about the break up but that they didn’t blame him and that they would still be there for him if he needed them. It felt a bit unfair to have Isak’s closest friend reach out to him when he had just broken Isak’s heart but it also felt nice to know that he still had them. That they didn’t hate him and that he was doing the right thing.

A month or so after the break up Even almost felt like he was back to normal. He still missed Isak a lot from times to time but he wasn’t as sad about it anymore. He knew it was for the best.

He hadn’t been by himself since he was 15 and met Sonja but now after a month of being single it didn’t feel scary.

He continued to go out with his colleagues and spent times with his friends after work and on weekends. It felt good to be by himself. No one told him what to do or who to spend time with and as long as he took his medication and kept a somewhat regular sleeping schedule his parents trusted him wholeheartedly. It felt nice to feel like he wasn’t doing anything wrong. It almost felt like something inside of him had been set free.

“How is Isak?” he asked carefully on day when he stood in Elias kitchen and Sana walked in.

He had tried not to think about Isak too much over the last couple of weeks and had focused on other things in life but when he saw Sana he couldn’t help but think about how Isak was doing.

He hoped he was doing better and that he as sleeping and eating and that his friends made sure that he was okay just like Even’s friends constantly offered him to talk or did things to keep Even’s mind occupied.

“He’s…okay” Sana said eventually.

She refused to tell him anything more.

Even started taking an online course in English literature at the university to keep his mind occupied and continued to work at the bar during nights and weekends.

“I haven’t seen Isak around in a while,” Isabell commented one night when they were working together.

He and Isabell had sort of drifted apart over the months after the break up, funnily enough. Isabell had taken less and less shifts and now only worked a few times a month and she’d be busy on the nights where Even and the rest of the gang met up for a beer. As they saw each other less the text between them also became less frequent and Even couldn’t say he missed it. They had had so much fun together over summer when they shared almost all their shifts but now that they didn’t see each other as often they had less and less to talk about.

“We broke up,” Even said feeling his heart clench painfully.

“Oh,” Isabell said… “I had no idea, what happened?  Why did you not tell me?”

She smiled kindly but Even felt a bit a annoyed for some reason. He thought about all the times he had texted Isabell over the summer. He thought about the sound of Isak holding his breath and biting his lip close to him when he kept his nose in his phone. He thought about the defeated sound of Isak’s voice when he asked why he had to text her right now.

Back then he had just been annoyed with Isak for being jealous and controlling but now the feeling was mixed with something else: guilt. Guilt at the memories of how he had kept bringing her up in conversations and kept talking to her despite how knew it made Isak feel. He felt guilty for going out with his colleagues more often despite how disappointed and sad it made Isak look.  Even didn’t like the feeling.

“It’s between Isak and me,” he said shortly. “I’m okay.”

Two weeks later Isabell announced that she was quitting and the whole crew arranged a little goodbye dinner for her. Even only stayed for a few hours.

There was definitely moments where Even thought about Isak or missed him but most of all he enjoyed the feeling of being able to do things on his own. He had always been scared of being alone. Scared that he’d never be able to be alone with his thoughts and mind. But now he had proved to himself and everyone else that he was in fact able to be on his own and keep himself stable.

He had his friends and family of course and they would always be there for him but it was different from being in a relationship with someone. Sonja had been with him since before he was diagnosed with bipolar and in the end she had been so adamant about keeping him stable that it had felt suffocating. She monitored his sleeping and eating habits and kept commenting every time he wanted to drink. He knew she meant well and that he sometimes overreacted to her attempts at doing what she thought was best for him but in the end the passion was gone and the love fading and left was only the bad stuff left. Ugly fights and disagreements coupled with childish silent treatments and nasty glares. He was tired at being monitored and Sonja was tired of baby-sitting.

Isak was so different from Sonja and he was so refreshing in comparison. He didn’t try to control Even or act like he was a care taker rather than a boyfriend. He asked questions and had his own naïve theories and reasons to not let Even push him away during his depression. Isak never felt like a caretaker the way Sonja did. Instead Isak trusted Even and Even’s mind something Even himself had trouble doing for a lot of the time.

But then things changed and Isak started to change. It started with the incident at Syng when Isak punched Mikael and Elias almost broke Isak’s nose and ended in their break up.

 

This time Even left before they could turn into a reprise of Sonja and Even, before the love was gone. He ran and told himself that this was what he needed to not suffocate again. It was both scary and liberating.

Even proved to himself that he could to it by himself and he loved that. He didn’t really need anyone to take care of him or monitor him because he could to it on his own.

He made lose plans about travelling in the summer. Just a few weeks to travel through Europe on his own but when he told his friends about it they all seemed to think it was a good idea for him. For the first time in ages he felt proud of himself.

Then a day in late November he ran into Isak.

Isak was walking around the aisles when Even spotted him. He was dressed in trainers and sweatpants and his hear looked slightly damp and curly. For a few seconds they looked at each other before Even made his way over to were Isak was standing.

Up close Isak was just as beautiful as Even remembered, despite the rosiness of his cheeks and the evidence of sweet on his shirt underneath the open jacket. Even smiled.

“Isak, hi” he said, feeling his heartbeat speed up slightly.

Isak clutched is basked as he greeted Even with a small stutter.

Even smiled fondly, remembering the year before when Isak had been slightly shy and refused to meet his eyes on the tram and when he had looked at him in confusion when Even ripped out all the paper towels in an attempt to steal Isak’s attention.

Their conversation was forced and awkward and Isak looked like he wanted to run away.

“I miss you,” Isak blurted out and Even’s heart jolted violently in his chest. “Sorry,” Isak continued weakly, sounding miserable.

For a few seconds Even didn’t say anything and Isak’s face faltered in front of him and he looked away. 

“I’m gonna go,” Isak said shakily and turned around, ready to leave.

Even finally found the words.

“No don’t go.”

The air was more breathable after that and Isak listened as Even told him about his life and about his plans for the future. He even joked about Even’s love for his regulars at the bar and when they both laughed Even remembered how much he loved hearing Isak’s laugh. The air was light until Even asked about how Isak was doing and Isak looked away and shrugged again. He looked sad and it is the worst look ever.

“You are a genius, Isak,” Even said, trying to lighten the mood again. “I know you will do amazing.”

Only a minute later Even watched Isak leave.

He went home after that, thinking about Isak the whole time.

He had tried not to think about Isak in so long and focused on himself just like he had told Isak to do. He had focused on being happy, on staying grounded and enjoying his life.

Those few minutes in that grocery store with Isak had made him feel everything. He had been so happy to see Isak again after all this time but there was also something else; sadness. Isak hadn’t seemed happy at all. He had seemed closed off as he shrugged at Even’s questions. But for a few moments when they had both laughed and joked, everything had felt just like before and it reminded Even about all the good stuff he and Isak had shared before and between the bad.

The truth was that the months before their break up had been filled of these moments like this between the fights but in the end Even had focused so much on the bad moments to even see them at all.

During the weeks after he had met Isak he thought a lot more about the break up than he had in the four months they had been apart. Before he had focused so much on creating a life for himself and proving himself and everyone around him that he could do that and that he didn’t need anyone.  He hadn’t given himself time to think about Isak but now when he had realised that, yes, he could do it himself, the thoughts came back again. Should he have given Isak more chances? Should he have made Isak talk? Was everything really Isak’s fault? What was his part of the break-up? Was he even happier without Isak?

He told his friends about his thoughts a few days later when they were all hanging out together. Elias was the one who spoke first.

“Look, man. I think you did what you had to do back then but I’m going to be honest and say that we we’re all a bit surprised. We thought things were good between you. But we support you, no matter what.”

The other nodded in silence and Even bit his lip.

“I just keep thinking I could have handled things differently. I mean Isak was really jealous but maybe I should have done things differently too.”

“Yeah, but most break-ups is due to both persons,” Yousef said quietly.

Even didn’t see Isak again until New Year’s Eve when the guys managed to convince him to go to a party at Kollektivet. It was stupid and he should have said no but he couldn’t. Part of him wanted to see Isak and that part of him won.

He kept looking at Isak from across the room when Isak wasn’t looking back. He tried to engage in conversations with the others but he could hardly concentrate on anything else than his ex. Isak was so painfully beautiful and it hurt to see him so close but without reach. So Even got stupidly drunk early on and with the little bit of extra courage he stumbled into the kitchen after Isak.

“Well cheers,” Isak said rising his glass sloppily towards Even.

“Cheers, Isak,” Even mumbled.

The drink was too strong but he drank it anyway. He had fucked up already anyway. He was bound to crash sooner or later anyway.  They sat on Isak’s floor for a while before Isak stood up and offered Even his hand.

Then they stumbled outside, Isak an adorable mess in Mutta’s shoes. Even’s heart was beating the whole time during their short walk.  

 “I’ve been looking at you the whole night,” Even he whispered, wishing their moment could last forever. “You are so beautiful tonight.“

They stood close together and Isak smelled like alcohol. Even braved himself and brought up cold hand to Isak’s face, running his hand against Isak’s dry skin. When Isak closed his eyes his dark lashes rested on his cheeks and that was all Even could focus on.

“We should probably go inside,” Isak said.

Even nodded.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Yeah,” Isak repeated. “We should.”

Even pushed Isak against the front door and kissed him eagerly. Isak kissed him back, hungrily and sloppily. When Even’s cold hand found the bare skin of Isak’s back the other gasped causing Even to look up again.

“I…” Even stuttered.

“We should go upstairs,” Isak said before kissing Even’s neck again.

They ran upstairs, the two of them. Passing Eva in the hallway before locking themselves into Isak’s room.  

“Are you sure?” Even asked from his position on top of Isak.

 “I’m sure,” Isak mumbled.  

Isak was crying. It was midnight and Isak was crying silently, lying curled up on his side on his bed.. Even ran his hand through Isak’s soft hair, wishing he could wipe Isak’s tears away.

He smiled slightly.

“Don’t cry,” He whispered. “It’s the saddest thing I know.”

Isak bit his lip and blinked. The tears ran down his face.

“I never want to let you go,” he whispered sadly.  

“Then don’t,” Even whispered kissed Isak again.

Isak lay wrapped up in Even’s arms until the early morning when the apartment was quiet and Even carefully crawled out of bed. He was a coward for leaving and he deserved it when he threw up twice on the way home and then a third time before stumbling into bed. He certainly deserved it when Elias called him a few hours later to tell him to get his shit together. He felt awful for leaving like that, sneaking out like them having sex meant nothing to him. He had done it before, walking away but he wasn’t going to this time.

“Are you home alone?” Isak asked looking around the quiet apartment.

Even nodded.

 “Did you come here for my parents?” he joked and Isak laughed.

“Yeah, so I’m going to go now,” he said and pretended to put on his shoes again.

The small banter made Even smile.

He wondered if he should invite Isak to his room or if it would be too weird.

“Do you want to go to the living room or?” He asked instead.

Isak sat down on the couch, looking slightly nervous. Even felt nervous too.

“So about yesterday,” he started. “It was…”

He struggled to find the right words because the last thing he wanted to do was fuck up more.

 “I know we were both drunk, and that it wouldn’t have happened otherwise…” Even started.

“Do you regret it?” Isak asked and Even could see the well-hidden panic behind Isak’s eyes.

It hurt to think that Isak would think he regretted it but with the way he had left this morning what was Isak supposed to believe?

Even hurried to shake his head.

“No,” he said instantly. “I never regret being with you. I don’t want you to believe that,” he said slowly.

 “It felt like you did when you just left though,” Isak commented and looked at Even.

Even’s face faltered slightly.

“Yeah I’m sorry, I panicked and I left which I shouldn’t have. Elias and Mutta called me to get my shit together but I swear I was going to call you anyway. I just needed some time to think.”

Isak nodded slightly and bit his lip.

“I don’t regret it either,” he said. “But I don’t think it should happen again.”

Even nodded, smiling slightly but breaking a bit on the inside. Isak was probably right but it still hurt.

“So what now?” he asked, trying to sound normal. “Friends?”

Isak shook his head and once again Even would himself breaking.

“I don’t think I can be just your friend, Even” Isak said sadly

Then Isak told him everything. How much he had struggled since the break-up. How Even had shattered him and made his worst fear come to life. Even knew that Isak didn’t mean to hurt him but it still hurt to hear all those things and it made him feel horrible.

“Why didn’t you ask me what was wrong or even consider my feelings or the reasons why I acted the way I did?” Isak asked

 “I don’t know, Isak” Even replied.

Even had thought his reasons were valid, that he was doing the right thing and that he was somehow guilt free. Hearing Isak say all these things made him feel defensive.

“You kept saying you would change but it felt like I could do nothing right without you being jealous. I never flirted with Isabell and there was never anything going on between us. We were just friends but no matter how many times I told you that and tried to reassure you that I loved you, it only got worse with time. Suddenly it wasn’t just Isabell, it was everyone I ever interacted with. It’s like you tried to find things to be jealous about.” he said.

“That’s not true.” Isak said defensively.

It felt sad when Isak left a little while later. Even if they had cleared the air somehow Even was still left with sadness. He had hurt Isak so much, fucked up even more than he had thought and now that it was starting to sink in he had to take responsibility for it. It was funny of it seemed like they had done complete opposite of each other. At first Isak had accepted the break-up has his fault and his fault alone but with time he had realised that maybe Even was at fault too. Even on the other hand had refused to see his own part until now, when it was possibly too late. Isak was hurt and scarred and Even had just realised that he wanted Isak in his life.

“I’m really sorry I hurt you,” Even said. “Maybe we could…I could have done things differently but…”

“…Here we are.” Isak finished with an unhappy smile.

“I hope we can be friends someday. I miss having you in my life.” Even said truthfully.

He didn’t hear from Isak for weeks after that and he didn’t try to contact the other boy either. That didn’t mean that he didn’t think about Isak though. In fact, Isak occupied a lot of his mind during the day. He knew he should be the one to contact Isak but Isak needed time and Even was going to give it to him.

It was in the middle of the night when his phone rang and he answered without checking the caller-id.

“Hello?” he said confused and tired.

There was only silence on the other end so Even took the phone from his ear and squinted at the screen.

“Isak? Are you there? Is everything okay?”

He already knew that Isak wasn’t okay. The silence on the other end was all he needed to know that Isak needed him. Whatever had happened it was really bad or Isak would not have called him.

“I can’t sleep,” Isak whispered frailly.

Even exhaled in relief. That he could try to fix.

“Okay,” he said trying to sound calm. “Okay, tell me what’s on your mind.”

There was a pause before Isak spoke again. A few seconds of deafening silence.

 “I’m sorry I called you,” Isak said “I’m sorry I woke you up. We can hung up now. I know I said I needed space so I’m sorry for calling-“

“Isak,” Even interrupted calmly. “It’s okay. Just tell me what’s on your mind and we will sort it out. Together.”

He could hear Isak breathe on the other end, obviously trying to calm himself down.

 “My mom,” he said quietly. “She’s really bad again and it feels like it’s my fault.”

Even’s heart broke for the other boy. Isak would always blame himself. Especially when it came to his mom.

“It’s not, Isak, but tell me what happened.” Even said softly.

He listened as Isak told him what had happened with guilt ridden voice.

“It was horrible, she didn’t even notice me being there,” he whispered weakly.

“I’m sorry, Isak,” said.

“I can’t sleep. There’s just so many things going on right now. Mum is bad and I fucked up my exam and I’m exhausted all the time so I’m going to fuck up everything else to which makes me even more stressed out. I’ve tried everything, even that tea you bought me once but I just can’t fall asleep.”.” Isak whimpered. “I know we are not together anymore and that I said I needed space but you always managed to help me through it when it got bad…”

Even was quiet on the other end and for a second Isak thought that maybe Even had hung up on him or fallen asleep himself but then Even cleared his throat.

 

“We can fix that, Isak. Just like we used to do. Just tell me what can I do for you” Even said and Isak felt his eyes tear up.

“Just talk to me,” He whispered. “Tell me about your day or something.”

Even bit back his tears has he told Isak about his unspectacular day. He talked and talked and talked about until Isak’s responses were more and more sleepy and his breaths calm. Eventually Isak was asleep and Even smiled to himself.

“Good night, Isak,” he whispered into the phone. “I love you.”

Even if it was a bit hard to fall asleep afterwards it was worth it. Isak would always be worth it.  A small part of him was happy that Isak had reached out to him of all the people in Isak’s life. It meant that Isak trusted him with his most vulnerable part of himself and even if Even hated the thought of Isak being in pain I wanted to be able to help him.

Even didn’t expect Isak to contact him again so soon after but the morning after Isak had sent him a text and even if they texted back and forth during the day he certainly didn’t expect Isak to call him again that night. He was at Elias’ but was just about to leave when his phone ringed.

“Uh, it’s Isak again,” he said to boys in the room.

They had talked about his and Isak’s phone call and their text during the night and all the boys had offered their own advice on how Even should analyse the texts and progress.

“Well, pick up!” Mikael said eagerly and Elias laughed.

Even stood up from the couch and walked in to the hall to take the call.

“Hi, Isak!” he said happily.

 

“Hey,” Isak breathed. “Sorry.”

 

“Give me a moment to get my coat,” Even said. “I was about to leave.”

 

He mouthed his goodbyes to his friends from the doorway and got dressed. He waited until he was outside before he spoke again.

“I’m outside,” Even said softly. “What’s on your mind?”

 

“Everything,” Isak whispered brokenly. “I can’t sleep. I’m sorry for calling you again.”

 

“Don’t say that. I meant what I said in the text.” Even answered.

 

Isak sighed.

 

“Okay,” he mumbled.

 

“Okay,” Even confirmed. “What can I do?”

 

“Just talk to me, tell me about your night.”

 

It soon became their routine. Isak would call and they would talk before bed. Soon Even found himself longing for that moment during the day. They just lay on either end of the phone, talking until one of them fell asleep and after that they set into a routine of texting each other during the day. Even loved being in touch with Isak again but with every text they sent, as lightly hearted as they was, Even found himself wanting more. He wanted to be a part of Isak’s life that included more than late night phone calls and stupid but meaningful memes.

 

He wanted Isak back.

“Just reach out for him,” the Mikael said when he opened up about his feelings.

Even shook his head.

“He needs time,” he argued. “I don’t want to overwhelm him. He asked him for time so I’m going to give it to him.”

“Okay, I’m not going to say that I know Isak very well but what I think he needs his reassurance. I think he wants you to show him that you love him and that you care about him enough to fight for him,” Mikael said thoughtfully.

Even looked at Mikael who was smiling gently.

“What if he is not ready? I don’t want to pressure him and I’m scared that he’ll say no.”

Mikael sighed.

“I get that but think about it from his perspective. I might sound harsh now but I’m just trying to be honest. You broke his heart and from what you’ve told me that really, really messed him up and even if he is doing better now I think he might need that reassurance from you. That you want him. Maybe that is all he really need. Him knowing that you want him and is prepared to fight for him. Maybe he needs you to be brave and take the first step.”

Even looked at his best friend. He was right. Even should take the first step, he just couldn’t handle being rejected because that meant knowing just how much he had lost when he walked away from Isak in the first place. It took him some time and lots of encouragement from his friends before he dared to make his move.

Even finally mustered up all his courage and dialled Isak’s number with shaking hands. His heart beat like crazy in his chest while the phone kept ringing.

“Hello,” Isak answered.

Even stayed quiet on his end, trying to come up with something to say but his mouth was dry.

“Even?” Isak tried.

“Hey,” Even finally answered.

 “Is everything alright?” Isak asked, sounding a bit worried.

 “I’m…” Even started. “I really miss you,”  

 

Isak was already waiting for him when he stepped in to the small café on the following Sunday. He sat in the far corner giving Even a small smile as he spotted Even. Even hurriedly ordered a coffee for himself and a huge slice of carrot cake for them to share. Even though he was way too nervous to eat anything at the moment. There was just so much he wanted to say. So much he needed Isak to know and he thought about what Mikael said about fighting for Isak and show him just how much he wanted Isak.

“I want you back,” he said feeling like me might die. “I miss you every day and I want you back in my life.” he continued, looking straight into Isak’s eyes the whole time.  

 

“I know I’ve hurt you and I’m so, so sorry for that. When we broke up I kind of thought it was for the best. We were fighting and you were sad all the time and I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle how you reacted whenever I talked about my new friends and I was just so excited about all these knew things in my life that it hurt a lot when you responded in the way you did. To me it felt like you were trying to control me and it made me feel trapped. You made me feel guilty when in my mind I hadn’t done anything wrong. You kept saying how you were going to change but you never really did and in the end I was just tired of it all. We were going downhill so fast and it scared me so I did what I thought was for the best and I broke up with you.”

Isak stayed quiet so Even continued talking.

“I was convinced that it was the best for both of us but mostly for me. I was convinced that I was being rational by taking a step back before things got really bad. I was convinced that I was doing the right thing for me and for you as well. But Isak, walking away from you that night was the most difficult thing I’ve had to do and I’ll never forget the look on your face or the sound of your sobs. It broke my heart to see you like that but yet I was still convinced that I was doing the right thing.”

Isak looked down, looking slightly sad. Even couldn’t stand Isak looking like that so he put his hand on top of Isak’s hand rubbed it gently.

 “I should have fought for us,” he continued.  “I shouldn’t just have broken up with you. I should have made you talk instead of waiting for you to open up. I should have tried to see it from your perspective but I never did. I just saw the things that irritated me and never really the cause of it. I should have made you open up and I should have told you all the reasons why I loved you. I could see that you were hurting but I was so convinced that I hadn’t really done anything wrong so I ignored it. It took me a long time to realise that it was my fault too and I’m so fucking sorry. In my head I blamed everything on you because it was easy when I had as much to do with the break up.”

Isak cleared his throat.

“Okay,” he said.

“It’s not okay though,” Even said sadly. “Because I was a jerk to you when I kept bringing Isabell up even though I knew that you felt insecure about it and when I texted her when we were supposed to be just the two of us. I should have considered your feelings and I didn’t.”

It felt like he was carving out his heart for Isak and ripping his chest open in the process but he wanted to show Isak how much he loved him. Even squeezed Isak’s hand tightly.

“You know, at first when we broke up I felt like I was doing okay. I was sad of course and I missed you like crazy. But overall I was doing okay. I had my job and my friends and I kept going with my life. I could tell that everyone was waiting for me to crash but I didn’t. I was doing okay… as okay as anyone was expecting. I stayed so long with Sonja because I was scared to be alone. I was scared that I couldn’t handle things without anyone by my side. It was difficult with you from the beginning. You remember what you said right?” Even said and looked at Isak.

“Only you can feel what you feel,” Isak mumbled and Even nodded.  

“I love you, Isak,” he whispered. “I love you so much and I want you back in my life. You make me happy and safe and it’s all that matters. Breaking up with you didn’t make me happier in the end. It proved that I was capable of doing it by my own but I wasn’t really happier. And seeing you in that grocery store and then again on New Year’s made it impossible to deny it. Even these few weeks when we were just calling and then texted has been better than not having you in my life at all. I made me realise how much I want you. I know I gave up on you and on us before and I know how much I hurt you but I’ll fight for you now… if you let me.” 

Isak looked away again.

“I…” he started, finally looking up at Even again.  

 “I’ll show you how much I love you and how much I want you… I’ll be your friend if that is the only thing you want. I’ll be your meme buddy if that is all you want. And if you don’t want any of that I’ll…I’ll forever regret letting you go.”  Even said, desperately.

Isak slowly withdrew his hand from under Even’s and looked away.

“I don’t want to let you go but I’m scared. We broke up for a reason, Even. We can’t just forget about that. I’m in a better place but what if it happens again? I can’t promise I won’t mess up. What if you leave me again? I don’t want to go through that again.”

“You don’t have to make any promises, Isak. Just like I can’t make any promises I won’t mess up again but I love you and you said you loved me too. And when I was depressed and we didn’t now where things would go that was enough. Maybe it can be again?”

Even smiled slightly trying to make up for the sadness in his chest. He didn’t want Isak to see him sad right now.

Isak closed his eyes. .

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I’m not ready yet. I want to be. I want to be with you too, Even.  I’m just not there yet.”

Even’s smile grew as he reached out and touched Isak’s cheek with his thumb. Inside his chest was still falling apart.

“Don’t be sorry,” he whispered. “We can take it slowly. Just one day at a time. Whatever you want.”

Isak bit his lip and nodded silently.

Even took his hand gently again and intertwined their fingers. It somehow grounded him, feeling Isak’s fingers in his.

“You are amazing Isak, and I’ve never met anyone who makes me feel like you do. When I met you I felt so incredibly happy. Like I couldn’t believe you wanted me. I want you to know that. You deserve to be happy and I want to be the person that makes you happy. Someday.”

Isak looked down at their joint hands.

“Someday,” he repeated. “Okay.”

Even nodded.

“Okay,” he said. “Let’s take things slowly, like day by day or minute by minute.”

Isak half laughed half sobbed and it completely match the Even’s feelings inside.

“Minute by minute sounds really nice.” Isak said.

“So what will we do this minute?” Even asked softly.

Isak looked down at the lonely carrot cake that had stayed untouched since they started talking. He took his spoon and took a bite.

“This minute we will eat our carrot cake,” he smiled.

At that moment it actually felt like everything would be okay.

He didn’t try to contact Isak for a few days after that. He probably should because the ball was probably still in his court but he didn’t know what to say. Suddenly it felt like a meme or YouTube video wouldn’t do it.  He used the time to reflect. They had both made mistakes, both contributed for the break-up and while he knew it deep inside he still felt so incredibly guilty about the way he had ended things. Even though he had now reassured Isak how much he loved him he would still feel guilty just looking at Isak and seeing the pain behind his eyes. But he wanted Isak back and in order to do so he needed to let go of that guilt. He could tell that Isak still felt guilty too and that the other boy blamed himself after all this time.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Mikael said. “You’ve both made mistakes and you are both ready to move on. You just need to let it happen when it happens. Just start small. We could always do something all of us. You, me, the boys and Isak and the others.”

And so Even found himself standing outside of Nissen asking Isak on a friend date. He felt nervous as Isak approach and even more nervous as he explained the concept to Isak as if it was a rocket science all while rambling anxiously.  

“I think I get the concept,” Isak teased softly and Even felt all his nerves go away.

Together they walked towards the tram stop.

“You do know I’m the master of football right?” Isak asked as the two of them started walking towards the tram stop.

“Yeah so I’ve heard,” Even said teasingly. “Can’t wait to see you play.”

“Fuck you, I’ve played until I was 15,” Isak said. “On a real team, with matches every weekend.”

“A real team?”

Isak nodded.

“Yeah and Mahdi used to play too which means that we are going to beat your asses.” Isak laughed.

“So you mean that it is going to be like the kids versus the adults or something?” Even smirked. “Because then I know for a fact that we would win.”

“Fuck you,” Isak repeated. “We would definitely win.”

Even smiled until his cheeks hurt a bit.

Their friend date was all Even could ask for. All his friends together, playing football which Even sucked at, grilling burgers which Even was really good at and just having a good time. But most of all he got to see Isak and because he was with his friends and Isak’s friends he didn’t feel nervous about it. He laughed as he tackled Isak into the mud and laughed as Isak complained about him cheating.

 “Do you think you are making the rules here?” he smiled and held out his hand to let Isak up.

The match ended when Mahdi elbowed Isak in the face and Isak covered his nose with both his hands and grunted painfully. Even from across the field Even’s heart clenched worriedly and he had to keep himself from rushing over dramatically. He couldn’t help remembering the night after Syng when Elias had punched Isak so hard in the face that he needed to go to the ER. If felt like a life time ago.  A few seconds later Isak reassured everyone that he was alright and dismissed Mahdi’s attempts to apologize telling him that there was nothing to apologize for.   

“I had a lot of fun today. Thank you for inviting us,” Isak said as the two of them stood waiting for Isak’s tram to arrive.  

Even smiled.

“I had fun too. It was nice that we could do things as friends you know,”

Isak nodded.

“Yeah…” he breathed. “Friends are good, friend dates are good,”

A few minutes later Even noticed how Isak was shivering slightly.

“Are you cold?” he frowned.

Isak shrugged a bit.

“It’s okay…” he said. “The tram will be here any minute so…”

“Yeah but I don’t like to see you cold,” Even protested. “You’ll get sick.”

“You can’t get sick from the cold.” Isak pointed out and Even rolled his eyes.

“Forgot you are almost a doctor,” he said. “Can I at least give you a hug?”

Isak nodded.

Even wrapped his arms around Isak and the other boy pressed his his nose into Even’s neck, wrapping his own arms around Even’s back. Even held Isak even tighter and felt Isak sink deep into his embrace. Even didn’t want this moment to end. He wanted to have Isak in his arms forever.

“I really want to ask you on a real date,” he mumbled. “But I’m a bit scared you will say no. I’m sacred we’ll mess it up if we are not ready yet but at the same time I just want to be with you.”

Isak swallowed.

“We’ll be okay,” he whispered. “I know we will. We won’t mess it up this time.”

Even wanted to believe him so bad when he watched Isak enter the tram and then started his own walk home.

Being just friends was difficult though, especially when they both wanted something else. They continued to see each other and texted everyday but every time they saw each other Even found it harder and harder to be okay with their set up. All he wanted was to hold Isak and to kiss him but that was not what friends do.

“What are you both waiting for?” Magnus asked “Like, you are both so frustrating.”

Even though they were still smiling at each other something still hurt inside Even.

 “We are just waiting for the right moment,” Isak said, still smiling fondly at Even.

“Why? You are both obviously in love with each other;” Magnus continued. “What’s the problem?”

It really hurt a lot and it was all Even could think about sometimes. And it was all Even could think about as he lingered in the kitchen with Isak after everyone else had gone home.

“What are we waiting for, Isak?” he asked quietly. “What is the problem?”

“I don’t know,” Isak said and his hand on top of Even’s and leaned his forehead against Even’s.

“I don’t want us to be scared anymore, I’m tired of waiting for the right moment.” Even mumbled.

For a few seconds it was quiet.

“Then don’t,” Isak mumbled.

 

Even bought a single rose from the local florist on his way to pick Isak up. He had promised Isak the best date he had ever had which meant lots of pressure. He had planned it all in his head and he knew it would be perfect. He took Isak to all the places that meant something to him and to them. The bench where he had seen Isak the first day of school when he was a lot more scared that he let anybody see, and when he felt lonely and stupid and like a failure. He told Isak that Isak had saved him from the beginning. He took Isak to smoke a joint on his window sill and to have lunch at kaffebrenneriet and bought beers and lent a bike just to ride through Even’s childhood neighbourhood. It was a perfect day, the perfect date but yet this was his favourite moment. Lying next to Isak on Isak’s bed, holding Isak close until Isak fell asleep and pressing kisses to Isak’s warm skin.

“This is nice,” Isak whispered. “So much better than friend dates.”

“Friend dates are overrated,” Even agreed.

The best thing was lying next to Isak the whole night and feeling Isak’s hand on his back. The best thing was waking up before the other boy and spend half an hour tracing Isak’s skin and kissing his forehead before carefully crawling out of bed, to have coffee with Eskild in the kitchen. The best thing was Isak joining him and walking up to him and kissing him good morning like it was the most natural thing in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? Please let me know what you thought in the comments. It would mean a lot. What would you rather read? If you want to please let me know what you'd like and spare me having to make up my mind :)
> 
> Strangers to lovers either set in the skam universe aka high schoolers (lots of angst)  
> Strangers to lovers in a universe where Even is a bit older than Isak and Isak is struggling with Uni and work (lots of angst)  
> A fic set in this universe but with things happening that leaves them both (and others) struggling (lots of angst)  
> A series of one shots (I have many planned) (lots of angst and fluff planned)


	17. Happy Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now it feels like it has been 84 years for real but I am back with the final chapter. I can't believe it. I put off writing this for so long for a number of reasons. Life has been a bit hectic and I haven't found my inspiration to write at all. But I've sat myself down and forced byslef to write and today it actually felt joyful again. I feel so bad that I still haven't proof read the last few chapters that I have posted and that this one is not proof read either but I feel like I just want to post it for you. I'm a bit impatient haha. Anyway thank you to all of you who have read, left kudos and comments. It means the world to me. We have now reached the end. It is a pretty happy one!

“Happy birthday, baby,” Even mumbled and pressed another kiss to Isak’s lips.

Isak sighed contently and unconsciously sank closer to the other boy.

“Don’t want to leave,” he whined weakly, unwilling to leave their little nest of duvets and pillows on Isak’s bed.

He had to leave though because as much as he just wanted to spend his birthday in bed with Even, this day was also graduation day.

The last few weeks had been a bliss. Isak and Even had slowly and not so slowly made found their way back to each other. Falling back into old routines, where they’d spend weekend afternoons sprawled out on Isak’s bed or take long walks hand in hand if the weather was nice was easy enough, but they’d also taken their time to trust each other again. As of now it felt like it was working. Isak loved Even more than anything but he didn’t love Even like his life depended on it like he used to. The Russ-celebration had come and gone and even if Isak hadn’t been too keen from the beginning it had been amazing. Exhausting but amazing. He had got to spend almost all his time with his friends just having a good time which was honestly all he could wish for. Yesterday there had been a huge breakfast for all third years at Nissen which had been kind of amazing and Isak had realised just how much he would actually miss going there every day. He would probably even miss his teachers and the students he barely talked to anyway.

“I’m so proud of you,” Even continued.

“For what?” Isak mumbled, eyes closed.

“You are graduating with like amazing grades and you’ll go one doing amazing at uni and I know you will continue to be amazing for the rest of your life.”

Isak could almost feel the smile on Even’s face.

“ _You_ are amazing,” he said.

They lay close together for a few minutes longer and Isak kept his eyes closed the whole time just focusing on Even’s scent and the feeling of his boyfriend’s body so close to his.

“We have to get ready now,” Even groaned.

“Five more minutes,” Isak begged, finally opening his eyes and as Even tried to climb off bed he grabbed his arm and dragged him down again.

Even laughed as he landed on top of Isak. He put his hands on either side of Isak’s face and kissed is lips again.

“You know how impatient your dad is. Almost as impatient as you.”

Isak finally let Even pull him up. They still had little over an hour to get ready for breakfast with Isak’s parents but they both needed a shower and to get dressed and take the tram to the fancy hotel in which Isak’s dad had booked them a table. Since the graduation ceremony wasn’t until the evening Isak’s parents had wanted to eat breakfast with him since it was both graduation and his birthday. Isak hadn’t protested. He knew it was important to both of them and he was especially looking forward to see his mom again. She had been let out of the hospital and the long stay had done her good and she was no in a better place than in a long time.

“Let’s take a shower,” Isak mumbled as he dragged Even into the bathroom.

He and Even met his parents an hour later, Isak’s mother hugging him tightly, refusing to let go for several seconds.

“Happy birthday, honey,” she whispered.

“Thank you, mom,” he said back, letting her kiss his cheek.

He gave his dad a short hug.

“Happy birthday, Isak” his dad said.

The hotel breakfast was probably the fanciest thing Isak had been to and it had to be expensive but his parents seemed so happy and he knew they were making an effort to make this a special day for him and he suspected it was also special for them. Especially for his mom who had just recently gotten better.  Even had his dad got a long just as they always did, but to be honest Even got along with almost everyone because he was so easy going and charming. It hadn’t taken long before the little hesitation Isak’s dad had had with regards to the boy who had broken Isak’s heart went away.

“Are you excited for graduation?” his father asked. “Mom and I are so proud of you for doing so well.”

His parents looked at each other and smiled.

“And for turning out into such an amazing person. We know we’ve put you through a lot of things. Things that weren’t fair on you and that you shouldn’t have had to go through but we both love you so much and that will never change. And we will always be proud of who you are.” His mother continued with tears in her eyes.

“Thank you,” Isak said weakly, feeling his own tears well up in his eyes. “I love you, too.”

He felt Even’s hand on his leg and gave his boyfriend a thankful look.

 

Isak didn’t think he would be so sentimental but seeing all his friends dressed in their nicest clothes and walking through the corridors for the last time made him feel oddly emotional. Though a lot of it had been crappy, especially his first year it also held some of his greatest memories. He had met Mahdi and Magnus, and Sana. He gone from being an angry closed off boy to a happy one. And he had met Even. He sat next to Jonas in the auditorium, listening to the headmaster giving a speech and knowing that in just a few weeks Jonas would be leaving for the summer and autumn and if Isak knew Jonas it was likely that Jonas would be gone for even longer. Jonas had always wanted to travel and see the world. Jonas wanted to meet new people and surf and live life one day at the time and as much as Isak was happy for his friend it would be the first time they would go without seeing each other for more than a few weeks. After all Isak had spent most of his summer and other holiday since he was about twelve with Jonas’s family. They had been inseparable since they were five and Jonas had been there for Isak through all of Isak’s hardships. Now he would go without seeing Jonas for months. But it wouldn’t be forever so when Jonas turned to meet Isak’s eyes that was all that went through Isak’s mind to keep himself from bursting into tears.

“I can’t believe we are finally free,” Magnus exclaimed as they exited the auditorium an hour later or so.

They were finally done. All the exams had been taken, the headmaster had given her speech and the grades had been handed out in front of their families. Even Eskild and Linn had been there. Now it was all done, just like that.

“It feels so fucking great,” Mahdi said.

“Fucking amazing,” Chris agreed.

Jonas and Eva were walking hand in hand and Magnus had his arm around Vilde’s shoulders. Sana was a walking a few steps behind everyone else so Isak slowed down to allow her to catch up. She looked absolutely beautiful in a bright pink hijab and a wide smile on her face.

“Hey,” Isak said as she caught up with him.

“Hi!” she replied.

“So did you get your six in biology?” he asked even though he knew the answer.

Sana rolled her eyes.

“I think the question is did _you_ get a six in biology?” she smirked.

“You know I did, I’m the master of biology,” Isak joked.

Sana smiled but then she turned serious.

“I’m really glad we got to know each other,” she said. “Like you are one of my closest friends and you have been there for me. With all that happened last year with the bus and the girls. I really appreciate it.”

“That’s what best buds are there for right?” Isak joked. “But like you helped me first. First when I was struggling with coming out and then again when Even and I broke up…” he added more seriously.

Sana was quiet for a few seconds.

“I guess we really are best buds,” she said.

 

They all had a few weeks before they started their summer jobs. Well except for Magnus and Even. Even because he already had his job and would take a several weeks off in the middle of summer to travel and Magnus because his summer job started a few weeks early which he complained about at every given opportunity. Isak had gotten a job at a grocery store a few kilometres from the city and he had already had his introduction meaning that he would have another two weeks before he started officially. It felt good to have something real and even if his dad still supported him with his rent it felt good to be able to pay a bit of it by himself and still have money left to do things

Isak spent most of his time with the boys, or he hung out with Eskild and his friends. Even came over almost every single day after work or they’d have dinner with Even’s parents as Even still lived with them. So far they hadn’t even talked about moving in together again but it honestly felt like this was a better set up for them. They still saw each other all the time anyway. As the days went by the got closer and closer to the day Jonas would be going to Chile. He had relatives there and would spend the summer there before traveling to Ecuador were he would work as a volunteer and teach children English. From there Isak had no idea where Jonas would go but he imagined Jonas would be gone for a while.  There were so many things Jonas wanted to do before going to university.

The weeks flew by and before Isak was ready it was time for Jonas to leave and for Isak to say goodbye.

“Are you alright?”

 Isak looked to his left where Even was sitting behind the steering wheel. They had just waved Jonas off at the airport and Jonas parents had been kind enough to let Isak see their son off. Isak had a feeling they knew how hard it was going to be for the two best friends to say goodbye and Isak was thankful they viewed him as a second son.

 Isak had thought he was going to die saying goodbye to Jonas but it had gone without tears and him embarrassing himself in front of a bunch of strangers. Just barely though.

Jonas had said goodbye to Even first, giving him a short but friendly hug. They had always gotten along well but Isak knew that Even feared that Jonas didn’t trust him after the break up.

“You have to make sure he eats properly and don’t forget to sleep. And don’t let him get into fights with students at uni just because they don’t like the same movies he does,” Jonas had joked. “ He can be so hot tempered.”

Isak had pretended not to hear them talking about him.

Magnus and Mahdi had said their goodbyes to and suddenly it had been just the two of them. Isak had been unsure of what to even say.

“See you later, Is,” Jonas had said as they hugged each other tightly, Even, Magnus, and Mahdi standing a few metres away letting them have their moment.

Isak had had to bite his lip at that point.

“Don’t disappear forever,” Isak had tried to joke to lighten the mood.

“You won’t even notice I’m gone with that one over there,” Jonas had retorted nodding towards Even.

“Shut up,” Isak had said. “I’ll really miss you,”

Isak snapped back from the memory from just 20 minutes ago. They had left Jonas at the security check and were now on the way back to Oslo in Even’s dad’s care. Even was driving and Isak sat next to him in the passenger seat. He gave Even a tight-lipped smile.

“I’m okay,” he said. “It just feels weird. Not seeing him every day like I’m used to.”

Even looked at Isak briefly and held out his hand for Isak to take.

“It’s okay to be sad too, you know” he said as he focused on the road.

Isak nodded and gripped Even’s fingers tightly.

“I’m not sad though,” he said honestly.

He turned around to look at the back seat where both Mahdi and Magnus were fast asleep. He shook his head in amusement. Even glanced in the rear review mirror and chuckled.

“It’s been like ten minutes since we left the airport,” he commented. “How can they be a sleep?”

Isak let go of Even’s hand briefly to take a picture of his two sleeping friends. He snapped a few shots and opened his chat with Jonas to send him them before he turned around and grabbed hold of Even’s hand again. He loved being in the car with Even. Cars normally made him feel a bit anxious for some reason, especially the prospect of driving one but that was probably because his parents were horrible drivers who never stayed calm. Even on the other hand always seemed to be so relaxed while driving, and he put on music and he and Isak would have sing offs or they’d just stay silent like this and Even would grab Isak’s hand and hold on to it.

Isak’s phone buzzed with a message from Jonas.

**Hahahahaha, at least Magnus is**

**Not complaining about it being early**

 

“I can’t believe next time we are going to the air-port it will be to see you off,” Isak said.

Even nodded quietly.

“You know I’m proud of you right?” Isak said. “For doing this all on your own even though I know it scares you. It will be so cool and you are going to meet so many amazing people.”

“Thank you,” Even said honestly. “I can’t believe it’s finally happening. I mean it feels like I was just having those loose plans but they were so far away and I never dared to believe I’d be able to do it but know its only weeks away.”

“You are amazing, Even” Isak said. “I knew you’d be able to do it. And Mikael will join you in Amsterdam right?”

Even nodded.

“Yeah, only for a few days but it will be nice. And then you’ll come to London after you are done with work and we will have almost a week together before going home.”

Isak carefully brought Even’s hand to his lips and kissed the back of it.

“I can’t wait, baby,” he said.

Six weeks later Isak himself was at the airport. It was now only a matter of hours before he would see Even again. Even had arrived in London the day before and would meet Isak at the airport. Isak couldn’t wait. They had talked almost every day and Even had sent him pictures every day to update Isak on his journey. Isak was still so incredibly proud over Even going by himself. He doubted he would be able to do the same thing. Just back up a bag and leave to travel through Europe all by himself. Even had of course met lots of new people that he had travelled with for most of the time and he had sent Isak pictures of every single one of them. It had been a real test on their relationship and most of all a test of Isak’s self-esteem and jealousy because seeing Even spend almost all his time with people that were probably as awesome as Even was tugged at Isak’s heart. He trusted Even however, and trusted Even’s feelings for him when the other boy told him that he loved him and that Isak had nothing to worry about.

They were much better at talking now after a while the anxiety and jealousy had mostly gone away. Especially considering that Isak too had met new people that he spent time with. Still Isak couldn’t wait to see Even in person again and as the plane finally landed in London Isak spared no time in getting out of the plane and turning on his phone. He was thankful that he didn’t have any checked in luggage but instead had opted for a carry-on bag because that meant he would get to see Even sooner. He didn’t have to look around for Even for long at the arrivals hall but spotted his boyfriend almost immediately as he stood next to an old lady. Isak felt his heart beat like crazy at the sight of the other boy and happiness filled his body. He half-ran towards Even and dropped his bag next to Even’s feet unceremoniously and jumped straight into Even’s arms.

Even caught him just barely, stumbling a tiny bit but laughing happily as he spun Isak around and hugged him tightly before letting him down. Isak couldn’t care less you saw them, he just kissed Even frantically before burying his face in Even’s neck.

“I’ve missed you so much, baby,” Even mumbled. “I can’t believe you are here. I can’t believe I get to hold you again.”

Isak’s back arched slightly as Even pulled him up for another bone crushing hug.

“I love you,” Isak murmured. “I love you so much.”

When they were finally able to let go of each other they were left standing in front of each other looking stupidly at each other.

“You look absolutely amazing,” Even said, smiling so fondly that Isak found himself blushing slightly.

He picked up his bag from the floor and threw it over his shoulder before locking hands with Even. It felt incredible to walk hand in hand with Even towards tube station and then sitting with next to Even on the tube, head resting on Even’s shoulder and their joint hands on his lap.

It was heard to believe that only a year ago he struggled to just keep himself upright after he and Even had broken up. Only a year ago he had been absolutely shattered, fighting to get his life under control again after Even had left him. It had taken him so long to get back on his feet and the weeks after the break up was sort of a blur looking back to it now. But he had gotten back on his feet and he had repaired himself with the help of his friends. He had learned to find happiness in having amazing friends and a decent relationship with his parents. He had learned to love himself and value himself based on him and only him and it had honestly made him a much happier and content person over all. He also had Even back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow here we are. It would mean so much if you would like to take the time to comment :) I hope you liked it and I hope you I hope you have enjoyed reading the whole story. It was always going to be them in the end. I know alot of you have been so angry with Even and I loved hearing all your opinions. I know some of you didn't want them back together but I can only hope that I made them justice in the end. It was very important for me. 
> 
> All of you who answered seemed very keen on older Even fic which you will be served I suppose. I have written an outline for it and I'm really excited for it. I just need to find time and motivation to start it. I also have a very clear idea in my head for another fic which I have had i my head for a year. I'm just not sure if that is something people would even like to read so I'm very hesitent to start writing it. I will try to start writing on older Even fic soon and hopefully it will go well. 
> 
> Lastly I just want to give another huge huge thank you to everyone who have followed me on this journey. I have recieved such amazing feedback that have made me so incredibly happy. I can't thank you enough. Hopefully you will hear from me again <3

**Author's Note:**

> So there's the first chapter. I'm a little scared, haha. But hopefully it wasn't awful and I'll be able to continue. 
> 
> If you have time, and want to, let me know what you think or leave some kudos. It would mean a lot to me :) Otherwise thanks for reading! 
> 
> Take care!


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